


After London

by MyGirlThursday



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 18:58:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 56,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3179567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGirlThursday/pseuds/MyGirlThursday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Shepard and Kaidan survive after the Crucible is fired, and will they see each other again? The road to a happy ending is rarely without bumps, twists, and turns. A Mass Effect 3 epilogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End is the Beginning

The first time Shepard had died, it had been far from peaceful. She had been awake and aware, struggling to bring oxygen to her lungs and hold on to life. This time was a little calmer. The voice in her head that said " _you're dying_ " was whispering, not screaming. She didn't feel the urge to do anything. Rather, she just felt like going to sleep.

After activating the Crucible, there had been a flash of light. Shepard didn't remember anything after that. She woke up with a start and struggled to take in a deep breath. Shepard was buried underneath rubble. It was dark and dusty. She felt lightheaded and weak, and she was simultaneously numb and in pain.

Somehow she had lived. Shepard didn't get her hopes up though. She knew she had major internal injuries and wasn't going to make it much longer.

"Got them," she whispered to herself. Shepard managed to smile at that. Then she began to grimace as she thought about the Normandy and her crew.

Garrus, her right-hand man who had gone on that final approach with her. He had been by her side through everything. Liara, an amazing friend and great scientist. Tali, the tech expert who had started to step into her own. Joker, the best pilot and resident smart ass anyone could ask for. And all of the rest… she hoped that the Normandy was safe somewhere.

Shepard thought of Kaidan. She had left him with Garrus after he got hurt as they approached the beam. She had said her final goodbye to him. She knew that was likely to be the last time they saw each other. The way he looked at her when she backed away from the Normandy dock- it had broken her heart. Shepard hoped he wasn't seriously hurt. She loved him deeply and wished that he would be able to quickly recover physically and emotionally from this.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps. She considered not yelling because perhaps there was someone else they could save who had a better shot of living than her. Then she thought that Kaidan and the others would be fairly upset if she didn't at least try to save herself.

"Over here!" She screamed as loud as she could, but it was still faint.

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah, it was coming from over there."

Shepard heard the footsteps approach.

"We're going to get you outta here!"

"Hold on!"

The weight of the debris began to lessen, and soon enough she was able to breathe better and look up to see her rescuers: two Alliance Marines.

"Shit, it's Shepard!"

She smiled, but began to panic as she felt her breathing get raspy suddenly. Her eyes went wide as she gasped.

"Ma'am, ma'am, what's going on? Hold on!"

Shepard blacked out.

* * *

Kaidan woke up with a start. He had been dreaming of when he said goodbye to Shepard. Garrus was holding him up, and he wouldn't let Kaidan budge. He knew he couldn't go with her because he would slow her down, but he did not want to leave her. He left her on the first Normandy, and that had not ended well. Kaidan was determined to be there this time no matter what, and yet it did not happen.

Dr. Michel had him in the med bay. When he first got pulled onto the Normandy, he had wanted to go sit with Joker or stand with Traynor so he could know what was going on. He had managed to make it to Joker in the cockpit and overheard the orders to leave Earth. Kaidan was silent, completely in shock. The Normandy rattled and rocked as it escaped. The ship was plummeting, crashing, and hitting solid ground. Kaidan was thrown against the wall. He was dazed and confused _. Where were they? Did they just really leave?_ Garrus dragged him to the med bay where Dr. Michel and Liara were. They helped Garrus put Kaidan on a bed.

"I'm alright, I'm alright. I need to be up on deck." Kaidan tried to get up before Liara gently pressed him down.

"You need to lay down, Kaidan. Let Dr. Michel examine your injuries."

"I need to be with the crew right now!" Kaidan struggled against Dr. Michel's and Liara's hands that were trying to hold him down.

"Major, you are bleeding from multiple shrapnel wounds and who knows what else. I need to examine you before you do anything else. Do you want to put your life in jeopardy?"

Kaidan was bound and determined to be on deck. He needed to know what was going on with the Reapers and Shepard. He wanted to yell at Joker for leaving Earth, for leaving her. He was going to get up even if he had to use his biotics to push the two of them away. He started to glow lightly.

"Kaidan!" Liara shouted.

And then he felt the prick of a needle in his arm. He turned to see Dr. Michel injecting him with something.

"What are you doing?" Kaidan commanded, his voice slurring slightly. Everything started to get fuzzy, and he fell back onto the bed.

"Sorry, Major."

Then blackness. And now here he was. The med bay was empty except for Dr. Michel sitting at her desk. Things looked jostled: books on the floor, jars of medical tools knocked over. Kaidan tried to stand up, but he was dizzy. He was a little achy, and he saw that he had some new stitches put in.

"I wouldn't recommend getting up," Dr. Michel chastised.

Kaidan sighed, but continued putting himself together. "What happened?"

"Well, we left Earth, and from what I've heard, we landed on a possibly uncharted planet somewhere. The crew has begun to explore it. The air is breathable, there is light from a sun, and what appears to be water and vegetation. That's the good news."

"And the bad?"

"You might want to check with the others about that. They know more. But I do know that you suffered a mild concussion and some external and internal injuries, which I have tried to repair to the best of my abilities. I would like you to rest here, but I realize I may be asking too much of you. And I think it might be good for morale if you go up and speak with your crew."

Kaidan nodded. He didn't like the fact that they were somewhere off the map, but he was glad they had made it. Kaidan was anxious about that bad news, but he knew he was now the commanding officer and needed to take control.

He walked out of the med bay. The halls of the Normandy were mostly deserted. The emergency lights were on, but daylight was pouring in from the docking area doors. Kaidan held up a hand to block the blaring light from his eyes and stepped through the door frame.

It looked like the entire Normandy crew was out there. Most of them turned to look at Kaidan when they saw him step out onto the ground.

"Major?" Garrus asked hesitantly.

Kaidan motioned to Garrus and pulled him to the side so they could have a private conversation.

"What's going on, Garrus?"

"Well, as you've probably noticed, we've crashed on this planet. Kind of reminds me of Virmire, but our research has not concluded where we are. It has water, light, and vegetation, all good signs. And no crew members were seriously injured in the crash."

"That's good, but I know everything's not all sunshine and rainbows."

"Ha. Well, the ship appears to be non-functional at this point in time. We can't start the engines. Communications are offline. There's also been some loss of power. EDI is not... alive. Not functioning. We can't figure it out."

"Great," Kaidan muttered sarcastically. His heart sunk when he heard that the engines were dead and communications were offline. He desperately needed to hear of Shepard's fate. It felt cruel to be left in the dark. His gut told him Shepard was not alive, but he could not dwell on that thought or he would crumble. The Normandy needed him.

He turned away and went to address the crew that was gathered. Garrus reached out and put his talon on Kaidan's arm.

"Kaidan, about the Commander-"

Kaidan brushed Garrus off of him. "With all respect, Garrus, I can't talk about this right now."

Kaidan tried to maintain his composure. _Breathe in, breathe out_. He gulped as he looked out on all of the eager faces. _What would Shepard do_?


	2. Waking Up

Shepard woke up in a hospital bed. There was a tube down her throat which was very uncomfortable. She could tell that she was also hooked up to a respirator because she wasn't controlling her own breathing. An IV was in her arm. She looked down and saw that a metal body brace was holding her in place. _That's not good_. _But hey, I'm alive!_ Looking at her hands again, she saw a red "nurse" button on a remote control at her bedside. She pressed it.

A woman in a nurse uniform walked in. "Oh my, you're awake! Let me get the doctor!"

The nurse returned with Dr. Chakwas and Miranda. Both looked relieved to see her awake.

"Commander, it is good to see you among the living," Dr. Chakwas put her hand gently on Shepard's arm.

"It's pretty much a damned miracle," Miranda said, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

Chakwas turned off the respirator and gently removed the tube from Shepard's throat. She coughed and coughed, and her throat was sore.

"You might have lost your voice temporarily because of the intubation, but I'm sure it will come back shortly," Dr. Chakwas smiled.

The doctor loosened the metal brace. She then proceeded to walk to the foot of the bed, and she used a small metal tool to touch Commander Shepard's foot.

"Feel that?"

Shepard shook her head.

Dr. Chakwas moved the tool slowly up both of her legs, asking each time if Shepard could feel it. Shepard just kept shaking her head. Shepard started to panic a little bit. She knew this was bad news _. Perhaps it's just temporary_ , she hoped.

"Can you wiggle your toes?"

Shepard focused hard on the task at hand. Dr. Chakwas was looking underneath the blanket so Shepard couldn't see what was happening, but based on the doctor's facial expression, she knew the diagnosis wasn't good.

"Damn it," Miranda muttered.

The doctor then proceeded to examine her upper body and asked her to do a few exercises with her arms. Shepard was able to move her arms and fingers, and she could feel sensations all the way down to the bottom of her hips.

"Well, it's as good as we could've hoped for," Miranda remarked.

Dr. Chakwas pulled up a chair next to Shepard. "Commander, I want to discuss your injuries with you. Would you like to go over this right now?"

Shepard nodded.

"When you were brought into the hospital, you had suffered major internal injuries and barely had a pulse. It took a series of many surgeries to get you to where you are now. You've been in a medically induced coma for the past month. All of the cybernetic implants failed, so we had to remove them. You had a concussion, broken ribs, a punctured lung, and the list goes on and on. What you've probably noticed, however, is that you had some spinal cord trauma."

Shepard nodded, and Dr. Chakwas squeezed her hand.

"Cerberus did a good job of bringing you back when you died, and without the work they did to you, you wouldn't have survived this in the first place. It, however, couldn't save you from this injury. It appears from our tests and scans that you are paralyzed from below the waist. We did all we could to repair the damage, and luckily it appears you are not quadriplegic."

Miranda now moved toward Shepard's bed and took a seat at the end of it.

"Shepard, this is something we might have been able to repair with Cerberus resources, technology, and scientists. Like how we were able to assist Joker. Unfortunately, we cannot do that right now. I helped the medical staff here, but I'm sorry I could not fix this. I do have hope that one day we will able to repair the injury."

Shepard tried to speak, but nothing came out. She motioned for a pen. Chakwas pulled out a datapad, handing it to Shepard. Shepard paused and tried to think for a moment before typing. The oxygen monitor on her finger makes it clumsy to write.

IT'S OK. THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

"Shepard, I'm so sorry-"

"Commander, we did our very best."

Shepard puts up her hand to quiet them. She is genuinely grateful for the time and effort they put into trying to keep her alive and in one piece. However, the news still does pack a punch. Shepard had been a soldier her whole life. _What was she going to do now?_ Her mind then travelled to Kaidan and the rest of the crew.

NORMANDY?

Miranda and Dr. Chakwas looked at each other carefully. The doctor sighed.

"Shepard, there has been no sign of the Normandy yet. The Crucible not only knocked out the Reapers and the relays, but also the range of our communication systems. Engineers are working to rebuild everything, but it's only been a month. We have some ships that have returned. The Normandy probably escaped the blast and is in some far away system, but I'm sure they'll make their way back with time."

Shepard doubted that statement. Even if the Normandy had survived the blast, they could be stranded somewhere with limited supplies and an inhospitable environment. And then it could years to get back from some of the far corners of the universe without the relays…

I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE, PLEASE.

Miranda and Chakwas looked concerned, but Miranda spoke up. "I understand, Shepard. I'll see you soon."

"Commander, are you sure?" Dr. Chakwas was still holding her hand tightly.

Shepard nodded.

"I hope you know that this doesn't mean we won't ever be able to repair your spinal cord. You could walk again with time."

Shepard nodded again.

"And don't worry about the Normandy. I'm sure they're in safe hands with Major Alenko."

Dr. Chakwas finally let go of her hand and walked out with Miranda. Once she heard the door close, Shepard let her eyes fill up with tears. She didn't let a single one go, instead wiping them away with her hand. _Commander Shepard doesn't cry_ , she thought. The universe was safe. She had done it. Sure, there were many unknowns now, but she'd deal with it. She got the Reapers after all, right?

* * *

A few days after the crash landing, Garrus and Tali had been able to repair the ship's generators so that the power was fully working now. Joker had waited patiently next to Kaidan as they tried to boot EDI. The artificial intelligence would not turn on despite all of their efforts. Joker looked heartbroken. He was barely eating and would not talk. Kaidan could relate. He wished he could just curl up in a bunk and not wake up. However, that's not what Shepard would have wanted. What she would want. Kaidan had a responsibility to the crew as her XO, and he was going to see it through. They were going to go home.

With the power back on, it was a disappointment to learn that the communications and engines were still down. Most of the crew spent all day working on the engines. The rest of the crew scavenged for food or tried to figure out where they were. Kaidan went back and forth, overseeing everything. He barely slept. Dark circles formed under his eyes, and he let his face go unshaven.

About a month after their crash landing, food was becoming scarce. Kaidan began seriously rationing their supplies. Group morale was down. Garrus suggested having a memorial ceremony for the people they'd lost. Kaidan reluctantly agreed. Maybe it'd take their minds off the predicament for a second, and they would be able to heal and move on.

Everyone gathered around the memorial wall. Kaidan could pick out Ashley's name. _ASHLEY WILLIAMS_. His gut clenched. He remembered that day at Virmire. The survivor's guilt he had felt was so intense. Kaidan also recalled trying to comfort Shepard about Ashley's death. Shepard justified her decision by saying that Kaidan was the higher ranking officer, and that the mission priority was to make sure the bomb was set. It was perfectly logical, but both of them had struggled with the aftermath. Both knew part of the decision had to do with Shepard's feelings for him.

A few names were placed on the wall by the group. Garrus was handing out the nameplates, and he passed one to Joker. _EDI_. Joker's eyes immediately started to well up.

"EDI… EDI was more than just a machine. Sure, she was our artificial intelligence. She was smart and perceptive, and saved our asses plenty of times. But I think she grew to be something more. She grew to be a friend. I don't know, she grew to be something more for me at least."

Joker began to sob as he moved toward the wall and pinned EDI's name up. Kaidan guessed that Joker had given up on the possibility of EDI's return. Kaidan and Tali had tried their best along with Joker, but it appeared that EDI was permanently damaged somehow. Kaidan certainly missed EDI. She was funny, and she'd have been extremely helpful while stuck here on this planet.

Kaidan was lost in thought when Garrus, pressed a nameplate to his hand. Kaidan looked down. _COMMANDER SHEPARD_. He frowned. Garrus just nodded his head. Everyone looked at Kaidan expectantly. With hesitation, he approached the wall. He glanced back down at the name.

Kaidan had lost her before. He had gone to the funeral. He managed to keep on going, even though it felt like a piece of him was missing. This time was a little different. Shepard came back to the living last time. He wasn't sure at all of her fate this time around. Kaidan was not going to give up on her. _I know you're out there somewhere. You said you'd be waiting_.

He turned to address the crew.

"I have here a plate for Commander Shepard. Now I've heard the whispering in the halls. I know many of you think she did not survive. However, that's not how I feel. It's too soon to call, it's too soon to give up on her."

Kaidan handed the nameplate to Garrus and went to walk away, but Joker reached out and caught his arm.

"Kaidan, I put up EDI's name. It's not one hundred percent sure, but we both know the chances. And we know the chances about Shepard."

"So what are you saying, Joker?"

"I'm saying maybe you should put that up on the wall."

"And I'm saying maybe you should back off."

Everyone stared at Kaidan as he said that. He rarely lost his cool, even now. Rather than apologize, he just walked off. Instead of going to the observation deck, he went into Shepard's cabin. He hadn't slept there even though it was technically his space now as the commanding officer. It was just too weird to see her things, to smell her, to touch the bed they had slept in the night before London.

Kaidan ran his fingers over the shapes of her model ship collection. He felt a migraine coming on. Today, he decided to rest on her bed. He would even let himself fall asleep here. The thought made him feel better. He needed something tangible to hold onto so he could feel like she was still there with him. Kaidan wrapped himself in her sheets. A few tears started to fall down his cheeks as he pressed his face into a pillow. He didn't know if they were tears of pain from the migraine, or if he was finally letting himself go and releasing the anxiety and sorrow.


	3. One Word

A few days after she had woken up at the hospital in London, Shepard was cleared for travel and was flown to a rehabilitative facility at the Alliance headquarters in Vancouver. Dr. Chakwas stayed behind to take care of the many patients who still needed medical attention. Miranda came with her though, as did Jack. Miranda was to help the Alliance with scientific research, and Jack would resume teaching biotic students. Shepard was glad to have two familiar faces with her.

Upon arrival at the facility, Admiral Hackett visited her for the first time since she woke up. Chakwas had insisted Shepard have some time to herself after waking up, so he had waited until she arrived in Vancouver to approach her. Shepard was sitting in a wheelchair near the window when he walked in. The admiral appeared startled when he first saw her.

"Commander." Admiral Hackett removed his hat as he stepped in the room.

"Admiral," Shepard replied wearily.

"I'm so sorry to hear about your injuries." He gestured toward the chair.

Shepard glanced down at herself.

"Thank you, sir."

The admiral sighed and sat stiffly at the edge of her bed.

"I know you're probably curious right now about the events following the Battle of London. However, I first must talk to you about what happened. What _did_ happen?"

Shepard remembered. She recalled the horrible choice she had to make as she stared the ghostly child down. Shepard had chosen to sacrifice the geth, EDI, and all synthetics for the opportunity to kill the Reapers for good. It was all so strange. She couldn't truthfully say if it was reality, but she was fairly sure the Reapers and relays were down. Whatever the case, Shepard could not tell Hackett the truth. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to speak about it. They might think she was crazy or indoctrinated. The Alliance could also put her up to the tribunal again for destroying the geth and the relays. It went against her core values to lie so blatantly, but she felt like was owed some sense of privacy after everything.

"I don't remember. It's all a blur."

"Really? That's unfortunate. I guess it's expected with the trauma you endured. We were just hoping to have some answers."

"Sorry, sir. Sorry that I can't be of more help. I remember Captain Anderson though. How is he doing?

"No one told you?"

Shepard shook her head. "They tried to avoid giving me any answers."

"Well, we found the captain not too far from where you were. He was barely alive when the rescuers arrived, and he passed away before they arrived at the hospital."

She was shocked. He had been alive, right beside her during those final moments. She thought if she had lived that he must have, too. Captain Anderson had been like a father figure to her. He was her military role model. It was difficult to wrap her head around the idea that he had died right after everything was over. That he was never going to see the peaceful world that resulted.

"Thank you for telling me."

"I know you two were close. It's damn shame to lose him."

"That it is."

"You'll probably be happy though to learn that the Reapers no longer appear to be a problem. Whatever you did Shepard, it did the trick. All of humanity- actually, the entire galaxy- has you to thank for that."

"I'm glad we were able to put a stop to it."

The conversation with Hackett was starting to wear her down. Since waking from her medically induced coma, she mostly read from a datapad and took long naps. She tried not to think about her legs or Kaidan at all.

"The relays, however, are broken. No one can figure it out. A lot of aliens have been stuck on Earth, but many are leaving now to see what's out there. We've had some ships come in, but there are still more out there. I'm sure you've heard the Normandy isn't back yet."

Shepard nodded. She rested her head on her hand.

"Any idea where it is?"

"Sorry. With communications being extremely limited, we haven't heard any word. I see you're getting tired. Before I go, I wanted to speak with you about your accomplishments. The Alliance would like to honor you. We'd like to have a ceremony next month where we place a badge of honor on you. I think it'd be great for morale. Vancouver, as well as the military, is still recovering from this."

Shepard didn't like the idea of being paraded around as a war hero. She felt the slightest bit of survivor's guilt, just like she had when Ash had died. Only this time she had wiped out all of the geth, the relays, and EDI. Shepard wasn't proud. She was ashamed even though her decision was the only one to make.

"Sir, I'd be honored. I'm not sure how I'll be doing then…"

Admiral Hackett stood up and flattened out his uniform with his hands. "Don't worry about it. The world wants to see you, to know that you are alive after all of this. They won't care about the details. And Shepard, don't worry about your injury hindering your career. We will accommodate you."

Shepard didn't know how to feel. She knew the admiral probably wanted to stick her on a desk, but she had always been in the field while employed by the Alliance. It would be new territory for her, and definitely not welcomed territory.

"Thank you so much, sir."

"Good day, Commander. Get well."

When the admiral left, Shepard immediately pressed the nurse button on the remote to her chair. She was so weak and tired that she did not have the energy to hate herself when the nurse had to come in and lift her onto the bed so she could finally sleep.

* * *

Almost two months had gone by before the day the crew was able to get the engines running. Kaidan had just come back from exploring the land with a group of the others. He exhaustedly threw his bags down and walked toward the docking bay when Tali burst out. She was practically jumping up and down.

"Tali, what's going on?"

"Only the best possible thing! Come inside!"

Kaidan tried to keep up with Tali as she rushed to the cockpit. Garrus and Liara were sitting next to Joker. They all turned toward him, their faces lighting up with excitement. He had a sneaking suspicion about what was going on, but he didn't want to get his hopes up.

"Check this out," Joker's voice was proud and had a tinge of joy. This was the first time Joker had spoken to Kaidan since the memorial several weeks ago. It was good to hear his voice, especially since it appeared that he was happy.

Joker began flipping switches on the dashboard. The others giddily waited. All of a sudden, he could hear the quiet roar of the engines coming online. The dashboard lit up with navigation information

"The engines…" Kaidan could barely speak.

"Yeah, man. The engines," Joker replied.

Kaidan gave Joker a pat on the shoulder. They had done it. The engines were fixed. They could return home. He could finally go back to Shepard.

"Any luck with the comm system?"

Garrus shook his head.

"Do we have enough fuel and supplies for the trek back home? Do we even know how to get to Earth?"

Liara spoke up. "From my research and pouring over the maps we have available, I believe we are on an unnamed planet in the Terminus Systems."

 _The Terminus Systems?_ Great, they were plenty far from Earth. "Are you certain? I thought all of the planets were plotted."

"I am fairly certain. There are not many unnamed planets in the populated systems, but I believe this planet has the attributes of a small unnamed one that the Alliance wished to place a colony on at one point."

Garrus pulled Tali into his lap and held her. "We don't have enough fuel to make it to Earth if that's what you want to know. However, I do think we have a chance to make it to Rannoch. The quarians and geth could help us refuel, get more supplies, and fix the ship further before we continue on."

If Kaidan could see Tali's face right now, he'd bet she would be beaming. He couldn't say that he was surprised by their newly displayed affections for one another. Shepard had confided in him that she had caught the two trying to kiss in the main battery. Kaidan was happy for Garrus and Tali It looked like Tali was also going to get to see her homeworld again. It was everything he wanted for himself.

"Okay. Let's get ready to move out." Kaidan broke out in a rare smile.

"Aye-aye, Major!" Joker resumed his work at the dashboard.

It was a risk, but they had to take it.


	4. What Friends Are For

The looming military award ceremony was an unbearable weight on Shepard's shoulders. She was never one for big self-congratulatory publicity events. She knew that the admiral and the Alliance wanted to give the people a sense of victory and comfort at the moment, but it just wasn't her cup of tea. She would have to give a speech and answer questions from the press. It was her nightmare.

In anticipation of her big night, Shepard was pushing herself to the limit during physical therapy. She hoped that she could regain some sensitivity or muscle movement in her legs. If not, she at least wanted to keep working them out so that they did not lose muscle mass and wither away. Shepard wanted to have her strong soldier legs when and if there was a time when she could walk again. She also didn't want others to look at her legs and pity her. No, she couldn't have that.

It was during a particularly challenging session with her physical therapist when Jack walked in. She had been fairly busy with her students, but she had made time to come see Shepard now and then.

"Shepard, you any less of a gimp yet?"

Shepard glared at Jack.

"Jack, what do you want?

"What, can't stop by to see an old friend now and then?"

"Now's not a good time."

"Haven't you already pushed yourself to the brink for today? I've never seen you push yourself this hard physically."

"So?"

"So just stop moving for a damn second and talk with me."

Jack was insistent, so Shepard stopped her exercise and sighed. "Okay."

The therapist got up and left, leaving just the two of them in the room. Jack was quiet for a while before she finally spoke up.

"So… Miranda and I are worried about you."

"Wait? What? Miranda and you are on the same page about something? That's fairly remarkable. However, your concern is unwarranted."

"Umm, I don't think so. You're working yourself into the ground. You did it before the Reapers, and you're still doing it to yourself. You know the rooms have video feeds. The doctors know you're not sleeping. You keep working out even after the trainers have told you not to."

"I'm doing what's necessary, which is what I've always done. You're right. I beat the Reapers. And I'm going to beat this."

"Goddamn it, Shepard, this isn't a fucking war against some space monsters. Your spine is all fucked up and you almost died. But Miranda thinks she can fix it. So just calm down and wait like a good girl or you'll be dead before she can do anything about it."

Shepard gave Jack another stern glare. She was getting pretty good at them. In fact, she was glaring more than Jack was these days.

"I'm touched that Miranda and you feel this way." Shepard's facial expression grew softer.

"Aww, hugs and kisses," Jack retorted sarcastically.

"You know what I don't get? Why were you were nominated to come and give me the loving lecture?"

Jack snorted. "Say what you want about me, but Miranda is like an AI. She'd probably just piss you off more by being a cold sociopath. As opposed to me, the fuzzy, angry sociopath."

Shepard had to laugh at that one. A moment passed, and Jack could see Shepard become distant.

"What's up, Shepard? You going indoctrinated on me?

"No, no. It's just… I need to keep doing this. I really don't want to go to that ceremony, especially like this. And… it helps me to not think."

"What's there to think about? The Reapers are gone, yippee-fucking-ki-yay. And Earth will be rebuilt. Yeah, a lot of people died. It sucks. But we're not extinct. And those relays might be down, so some of those aliens are going to have to get real comfy on our planet, but whatever. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah… I guess."

"And the Normandy is going to come back fine. I'm getting sick of saying it, so stop moping and making me repeat it." Jack pulled out a cigarette from her loose-fitting Alliance uniform and lit it, taking a long drag.

"Sorry for annoying you, Jack," Shepard joked.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. You're just worried that Prince Charming isn't going to ride in on his white horse."

Shepard was startled. Did everyone think she was just worried about Kaidan, and not the rest of the crew? That certainly wasn't true. She cared deeply about Kaidan, but the Normandy was her home, her life. The crew felt like a part of her. They were her family over the past three years. Secondly, did everyone know about Kaidan and her breaking the regs?

"Jack, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh shut it, Shepard. Everyone who has been on the Normandy knows you and pretty boy are a thing. You're worried about him. Whatever. Makes you weak, but I'm not going to hate you for it."

"Wow, thanks," Shepard replied sarcastically.

"I see you're trying out sarcasm for a change. Be careful. Don't go over to the dark side. The world would hate to see their almighty savior turn into a jaded psychopath."

"Uh huh." Shepard sensed it was time to say goodbye. She tried to plan an exit strategy. She was on a floormat and needed to get up into her chair. When Jack had been over before, Shepard had either been in her chair or the bed. Jack had never seen her in this state, and Shepard didn't feel like showing her.

"Need help getting up there?" Jack was looking straight at her.

"I… I… no." Shepard hesitated before dragging herself to her wheelchair. She tried to pull herself up on it, but it started to tilt a little. Shepard winced with pain as she felt her still healing injuries begin to make themselves known.

"Quit trying to be a damn hero." Before Shepard could react, Jack scooped her up in her scrawny arms and sat her upright in the chair. "Alright, princess?"

"Yes, sir." Shepard gave a small smile.

"And you're going to be great at that shitty ceremony. Just don't let all of that stuff get to your head. You might be humble now, but who knows how inflated that big head of yours can get."

"Thanks. I think."

"Anytime." And with that Jack gave her a half-assed salute and backed into the hallway, leaving Shepard there with her thoughts.

* * *

Rannoch was luckily not too long of a trip, and the Normandy had managed to make it there safely. It was a bit of a ghost town because the quarian fleets and many of the geth had come to their aid on Earth. All that was left on Rannoch were a few recently established settlements.

The Normandy landed next to one of these colonies near where Legion had died and they had fought the Reaper. The place where Shepard had managed to add another Reaper down to her list of accomplishments. Kaidan had been scared about her facing the Reaper alone, but Shepard managed to target and kill it. He should've learned to stop worrying and doubting her. Shepard's abilities in the field were remarkable.

The area looked like it had been cleaned up. Tents billowed in the wind next to some newly built housing structures. Kaidan felt like he was in unfamiliar territory. Shepard had always been the ambassador, the figurehead of diplomacy and outreach. Kaidan let Tali take the lead this time, and she went to go speak to her people. He decided to go rest in one of the tents the quarians had given the crew. A migraine was coming on, and he wanted to take refuge in a quiet, dark place.

Kaidan was startled to find Tali standing over him a couple of hours later. Had he fallen asleep? He thought he should be thankful for that. Sleep was hard to come by these days, but he was feeling more at ease lately. Knowing that the Normandy was running and at least some alien civilizations were around kept him sane.

"Tali. What's up?" Kaidan asked, rubbing his eyes.

"A migraine?" Tali deflected, concerned about Kaidan.

"Don't worry about it. Just the usual. Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"There was no need. And you required some rest."

"Huh… well, maybe you're right about that. So, what's the word?"

"First, the good news. It appears the Reapers are unofficially gone," Tali said excitedly.

"Unofficially?"

"Yes, for now. We can't say for certain, but there have been no active sightings on Rannoch. In fact, the Reapers that were here just stopped functioning about the time we were in London."

"I guess Shepard did it. Wow," Kaidan said, breaking into a smile.

"Yes, she did."

Tali gave Kaidan a quick hug.

"Anything more?" Kaidan asked.

"Unfortunately, there are some problems. For example, all of the geth shutdown around the time the Reapers did. No AIs are working, and the relays also stopped functioning. It's almost as if some type of EMP just knocked out everything synthetic. Most computers and other technology are running, with some exceptions. No extranet."

This was too much information for Kaidan to process. He felt his migraine start to come back, so he began rubbing his temples. No more geth? That was sad. They had just begun to work with the quarians, and they were helping improve their lives. After years of hating the geth and fighting them, Kaidan had begun to appreciate them after seeing Shepard work with Legion. Now they were gone.

No more mass relays? That was a huge problem. They were the foundation of modern travel. Without them, it could weeks, months, even years to make it to other parts of the universe. Mass relays were also how the systems were able to communicate. Without them, there was no extranet. They'd have to communicate the old fashioned way: word-of-mouth. Or send drones back and forth. They were officially living in the dark ages of space. How the hell were they going to get home now?

"Do the quarians think they can fix it? Do they know how it happened?"

"They speculate that whatever destroyed the Reapers targeted anything synthetic in the universe. As for fixing it, they have started examining the relay, but they don't really know how to repair it."

"Great."

"Don't be too disappointed, Kaidan. They have agreed to give us any supplies and fuel we might need. And I spoke to a navigator here who speculated that you could make it back to Earth in six months or less."

Kaidan was at least glad to hear that they could make the journey back home. Six months would be agonizing, but it would be worth it.

"That's good. So as soon as we are fueled up and the supplies are loaded, we'll head out," Kaidan said eagerly. The sooner they left, the sooner he could see Shepard again.

"I will let them know that you wish to leave quickly. However, I will not be going with you," Tali said, looking down at her feet.

"What do you mean? You're staying here?"

"I have always wanted to see my homeworld. I was lucky enough to see it before, and I made it my goal to return and set up roots here. Peace has been established. Now it's my time to enjoy that. I'd like to build a home here. There's so much work to be done."

"So you're just going to leave the crew? What about Shepard?"

"I'm not abandoning the crew. The rest of you want to go to Earth because it is your home. It is not mine. This is where I want to live my life. Everyone deserves the chance to go wherever and rebuild now. And I'm not abandoning Shepard! We don't even know if she lived or died. I will forever be grateful to her, and it hurts to stay and not see her, but I know I am making the right choice."

The initial anger that Kaidan felt began to subside. Shepard would want Tali to stay on Rannoch. They had talked about her building a home there. Tali had done more than enough for the galaxy. She deserved this.

"I'm sorry to see you going, Tali. But I do know Shepard would approve of your decision."

"Thank you, Kaidan. It means a lot. There is one more thing…"

"Yes?"

"I believe Garrus wants to stay here as well."

This was not an unexpected turn of events. Garrus and Tali had grown quite close.

"Well, you guys have my blessing," Kaidan smiled. He bet Shepard would be happy about the turn of events.

"I know he desperately wants to see Shepard and know… everything. But I don't think he…,"

"It's okay, Tali. Really."

"Thank you!" Tali gave Kaidan a long hug. Garrus walked into the tent.

"I heard a quarian cheering. What's going on?," Garrus playfully asked.

"It's official. I just told Kaidan that we're staying here." Tali replied.

"That's great. I hope you're fine with this. I really want to go back to Earth, but I know the journey will be long, and there's so much work to still be done around the galaxy." Garrus said.

"Don't worry about it. I get it." Kaidan patted Garrus on the shoulder.

"We'll be thinking of Shepard every day. Maybe after we establish a little home for ourselves here, I can go check out home on Palaven, and then we can make our way to Earth."

"You do that, Garrus. Everyone would be glad to see ya."

Garrus and Tali embrace, and Kaidan has to look away. He wished he could hold Shepard like that right now. He also desired that chance to build a home together. With Garrus and Tali being left behind, he began to feel like everyone was moving on and drifting away except for him.


	5. Pity Party

The day had come.

Laid out on the bed were several outfits picked out by a stylist who was hired by the Alliance. The stylist and an Alliance spokesperson were arguing about what look would be more appropriate. Would the audience like to see Shepard as the tough solider dressed in her everyday uniform? Or would they like a softer, more vulnerable hero swathed in a silky dress? Shepard personally didn't care. Either option felt strange to her. She didn't want to see herself back in her uniform, but she certainly did not want to be in a dress.

"Can I wear some nice black pants and a top or something?," Shepard mumbled. Neither of them turned to look at her.

Admiral Hackett strolled in, and they instantly quieted. Shepard saluted him.

"Hello, admiral."

"Shepard. Ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. That is, if they figure out what outfit will make me look like a relatable superhero."

"Hmm. You're going to wear the uniform, of course."

"The uniform! You're so right, admiral," the stylist chirped in.

Well, Shepard guessed she'd be putting the old fatigues on. That settled that.

"Can I speak to Shepard alone?" the admiral asked.

"Yes, yes," the stylist and spokesperson muttered as they picked the dress and accessories off the bed and walked out.

Admiral Hackett looked at Shepard intently.

"Shepard, though you've practically become the queen of the universe in most everyone's eyes, you've got some enemies out there. Batarians still angry that you blew up the Bahak system. Cereberus operatives upset that you ruined their plans. Aliens that are hopeless because they believe you destroyed the relays and many might never go home. Synthetic sympathizers furious that you might have possibly destroyed everything synthetic and some of our technology. That's a lot of people who might potentially harm you."

"Yeah, yeah. What's new," Shepard sighed. She didn't know what was worse: the sycophantic fans and bloodthirsty paparazzi trying to capture her every move, or the terrorists that wanted her dead for actions that she truthfully did make.

"So, we are assigning some bodyguards to you. They'll be lead by Lieutenant Colby. Lieutenant?" Hackett called outside.

Bodyguards? Shepard had never needed bodyguards before. She could take care of herself. Admittedly, she was more vulnerable than ever before, so a bodyguard wasn't that bad of an idea.

"Commander Shepard."

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted. Standing before her was a man dressed in an Alliance uniform. He was remarkably tall. His eyes were a piercing blue, and his blonde hair was shaved as close to his skull as possible. Shepard prided herself on her good judge of character. This looked like quite the intense and dedicated soldier. His face was stoic. A sniper rifle was strapped across his back. A sniper rifle man? Shepard couldn't help but think of Garrus. God, she missed him. She suddenly smirked remembering their illegal shooting game at the Citadel.

"Commander?"

The lieutenant's face had softened, and she saw his beautiful smile. He appeared somewhat confounded by her smirking and silence.

"Sorry, lost in a thought. Lieutenant Colby?"

"Yes. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

"Ha. That's what they all say before they get to actually know me."

"Lieutenant Colby was the leader of an elite sniper unit until recently. Lately he has been acting as a bodyguard to some VIPs, like the council members. I hope you'll find him to your liking," Admiral Hackett butted in.

"Is that so? Sounds like some big accomplishments."

"Oh, it's nothing- I mean, what you did…"

Shepard rolled her eyes. Admiral Hackett gave her a knowing look.

"Place nice with the lieutenant, Shepard. Got your speech ready?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright. I'll see you onstage then."

Admiral Hackett exchanged salutes with Shepard and Colby before exiting the room. Shepard was all alone now with the lieutenant. His rigidity and warm smile reminded her of her own former lieutenant, Kaidan. The man who appeared in her dreams every single night. She felt a pang of sadness while looking at Colby.

"Will you leave me for a sec, Colby? Gotta put these damn dress blues on."

"Yes, ma'am."

As soon as Shepard heard the click of the door, she rolled into the bathroom. She had become quite adept at taking care of herself by now. Shepard worked on changing into her uniform. She was nervous and anxious. Her palms started to sweat profusely. As she began to button her uniform, her fingers slipped and fumbled. Overcome by frustration, Shepard slammed her fist on the counter. Looking up at the mirror, she saw her new visage. Wounds that had traced her entire face had healed, leaving behind jagged scars. The makeup artists would have a hard time with those. Her hair was finally growing out into something resembling a pixie cut. Shepard's head had been shaved for a brain surgery she underwent during her coma. Staring into the mirror, Shepard felt like she was a different person. And now she would have to go out into the public eye and demonstrate who she used to be.

* * *

Leaving Rannoch had been bittersweet. Kaidan and the crew were excited to be back on their way to Earth, but no one had been thrilled to see Garrus and Tali go. They had been a part of the original Normandy crew. They were also two of the best tech people on the ship. Without them, it'd be Kaidan and the engineers solving everything. As Joker pulled the Normandy up from the ground and toward the heights of the atmosphere, Kaidan could see Tali and Garrus waving goodbye as the red dust picked up and swirled in the wind. They became smaller and smaller until they were only a bluish-black speck against the landscape. Kaidan felt a pang of uneasiness. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was optimistic and naïve, but he had pictured the whole Normandy being together after the war.

James had the idea of having a poker night as a way of bringing the crew together after saying goodbye to Garrus and Tali. Kaidan had lost his shirt many times while playing with James, so he wasn't too enthralled by the idea. However, he'd do whatever was good for morale- within reason, of course.

Kaidan, James, Steve Cortez, Joker, and some other members of the crew had gathered around the poker table in the starboard observatory. Kaidan let James be the ringleader for the night's event.

"Ladies and gents, ante up!" James bellowed.

Kaidan was about to throw in his chips when Diana Allers sauntered into the room in her skintight dress. Since the Normandy had crashed, she had been filming their ordeal and interviewing everyone. Kaidan had continually pushed her aside. Others might have the time and energy to answer her questions, but he didn't. Who knew how Shepard had tolerated it. Kaidan was a more private person in some ways. He could certainly swallow his feelings and spout out carefully chosen words, but he did not like having to do it. Publicity was not his thing. It wasn't Shepard's either, but she had been great at giving speeches and brining people to her cause. Her words might not have been as eloquent or thoughtful, but they grabbed an audience. She could reel you in.

"We playing poker, boys?" Diana observed.

"Yeah," James said dismissively. Vega wasn't a huge fan of Miss Allers.

"Oh. I didn't get the memo."

Kaidan gave her a sympathetic smile. He didn't have anything against her. It must be hard for her to be stranded with them. She was away from her home, just like everybody else on the ship. Allers was a little bit of an outcast because the rest of the crew was Alliance or they had known each other for a while. Poor Diana was probably itching to get back and broadcast all of the footage she had captured in London.

"Well, then." Diana leaned across the table. She picked up the chips that rested in Kaidan's fingers and blew at them before giving them back to him. "Good luck."

"Allers, you don't do that with poker chips. You do that with dice," James sighed. He looked annoyed.

"Hmm. Thanks for the lesson, Vega," Diana muttered jokingly as she took a position on the side of the room. She pulled herself up on the ledge and sat there, smiling.

Vega had won two games and Cortez had won another when Kaidan felt a hand on his shoulder. He snapped around. Diana was standing there next to him.

"Don't want to interrupt your fun and games, major, but I wanted to speak to you about something."

"Can it wait?"

"It could, but I'd say that I'd be doing you a favor by pulling you out of this game." Diana gestured toward the low stacks of chips that remained in front of Kaidan.

Kaidan wanted to still be in the game. It was rare these days for him to get a chance to just relax for a moment. Yet Diana was being fairly insistent, and he hated to draw others' attention away from the current proceedings.

Kaidan stood up. "I'll be back, James."

James gave him a queer look, but he continued dealing out cards to the table.

As Kaidan's typical haunt was occupied by the poker game, Diana led him to her space in the starboard cargo bay. She took a spot on her bed, so Kaidan decided to just stand in front of her.

"What's up, Allers?"

"I had a proposition for you."

Kaidan did not like the sound of that. He wearily raised his eyebrow. "Uh huh?"

"I've been taking footage of everything that has happened since the crash. Thought I could make a nice documentary out of it, or at least make some videos for loved ones back home to see. Some people have been really into it, but you haven't spoken to me yet. And some of the crew hasn't either. It'd be great if everyone could get onboard. Think of it as my personal contribution to the group's morale."

Kaidan gave this some thought. It couldn't possibly do any harm. With the ship slowing gliding through space, there wasn't much to keep everyone busy or entertained. However, Allers could continue to badger the crew and him with questions, or spin this story in a bad direction. Suddenly, his thoughts began to pull in a different direction. He felt bad for her. There must not be much for her to do.

"Okay."

"Excellent." Diana smirked as she jumped up and extended her hand to Kaidan. They shook hands, and Kaidan noticed she stayed in his grasp for an uncomfortably long time. "So can I film you tomorrow night?"

"Okay," Kaidan sighed.

 _Damn it_. He just knew he was going to regret this.


	6. The Admiral

The auditorium was full of Alliance higher-ups, reporters, and photographers. It was relatively small, but to Shepard it might as well have been a room full of thousands of husks. Instead of wanting to rip her to shreds, this group wanted to get into her head, read her emotions, and get answers.

She waited on the sideline of the stage as Admiral Hackett announced her. Colby stood directly behind her, eyeing the crowd.

"Commander Shepard has accomplished many great feats in her time. She got the job done on Torfan in harsh circumstances. She defeated Sovereign on the Citadel. She warned us of the Reapers before she perished and was reborn. She took down the Collectors. She killed several Reapers before finally putting them away for good. She has united us. Shepard has saved the galaxy so many times that we will never be able to thank her enough. The Systems Alliance and the rest of civilization will always be indebted to her," Admiral Hackett proclaimed.

Shepard began fidgeting. It was almost her time to go up.

"You okay?" Colby whispered.

Shepard gave a quick nod of her head. She straightened up and smoothed out her uniform.

"Commander Shepard is truly the most remarkable hero of our times. So it's fitting that we have established a new award today. Shepard has already won all of the others anyway, including those reserved for our fallen comrades."

The audience laughed a little.

"Today, we bestow the Key to the Galaxy on Commander Shepard. It's a fitting honor. The Alliance has also promoted Shepard. She will now be a captain in the Alliance."

The audience cheered. Shepard's mouth was agape. No one had told her about this. She felt proud to receive the promotion, but she was also a little worried. She didn't know if she was Alliance at heart anymore.

"I will be introducing someone else to present the award to Shepard. Someone close to her."

 _What?_ Who could it possibly be? Shepard's first thought was Kaidan, as impossible as it might have been. Anderson was dead. She couldn't think of anyone else, other than Jack, Miranda, and a few other lower-ranking Alliance types.

"May I present Rear Admiral Shepard… Hannah Shepard."

Shepard froze in shock. She saw her mother walk out onstage from the other side. Her mother was all done up in her dress blues, waving to the crowd like an eager politician. It was the first time Sheppard had seen her mother in years.

Shepard and her mother only exchanged a few brief messages with one another from time to time. Hannah Shepard hadn't been a particularly warm and nurturing mother. She was a busy military career woman. Shepard's father had been a civilian. He basically was the only one raising her until he got sick and died when she was little. Then Shepard spent most of her time roaming on ships alone and occasionally seeing her mother.

It didn't surprise her that her mother would show up for this event. Hannah Shepard was all about making moves and crawling her way to the top. Shepard had joined the Alliance to make a difference. She wanted to get the bad guys. Her mother was surprised and thrilled to see her daughter follow in her footsteps. Tears were in her eyes when she saw Shepard sworn in. The advice that Hannah gave her was to complete the mission at all costs, look good, and keep safe. Eventually, Torfan happened. The guilt had almost eaten her alive. From that moment on, Shepard had decided to be less cold in her decision-making. She would be like her role model, Captain Anderson.

Shepard loved her mother despite her faults. She had turned down the admiral position after her daughter's death. That was saying a lot because Hannah's goal had always been to move up in the ranks. She knew her mother was proud of her. However, Shepard and her mother disagreed on many topics. Sometimes it appeared like all her mother cared about was her career, whereas Shepard's priority had always been to save as many lives as possible and keep everyone else safe.

Now Shepard was looking straight at her mother as she gave a little speech to the crowd. All she heard was silence. Panic had made her numb to her surroundings. Then everybody looked toward the side of the stage. Shepard's mother was staring right at her. Shepard didn't make any attempt to move, but she noticed that her chair was going forward. She turned around and saw Colby pushing her ahead. _Sorry_ , he mouthed. _You're going to be great._

Hannah Shepard held a translucent glass key on a platinum chain. The glass was flecked with all sorts of colors. She held up the chain when Shepard had finally made it in front of her, and she placed it around her daughter's neck.

"You did it, sweetie," Shepard's mother whispered so the audience couldn't hear. Shepard noted that her mother's eyes had a little sparkle to them. Could it be that her mother was so proud of her that she was overcome with tears?

The audience was now standing on their feet, and the flash from the media's cameras was blinding. Shepard posed and grinned good-naturedly until the noise finally died down. Shepard gulped and hesitatingly cleared her throat before she moved up to the microphone.

"I am so honored to be receiving the first Key to the Galaxy, though I have to say that it doesn't feel like I deserve it. Safety and peace came at a high price. So much damage has been done, and so many friends have been lost."

The crowd grew quiet and still. Shepard glanced down at the award around her neck and held it in her hand over her heart.

"But I hope that now we will be able to rebuild, while still maintaining a sense of community throughout the galaxy amongst those of different species and varying beliefs."

Shepard paused briefly to look at everyone in the room.

"This is what we fought for. This is what I fought for. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to fight. I'd like to thank Admiral Hackett for believing in me and my crew. I'd like to thank Captain Anderson for being the military hero I always wanted to be. May he rest in peace. I'd also like to thank my mother, who inspired me to follow her footsteps into the Alliance."

Shepard gave her mother a sheepish grin. Hannah appeared surprised, but she returned her daughter's smile.

"I'd like to thank those who fought beside me throughout this war. Ashley Williams died on Virmire. She was a brilliant soldier and a good friend. It was so early on, but without her sacrifice, we wouldn't have made it here. Mordin Solus passed away on Tuchanka, where he was making sure that a cure to the genophage was finally available to the krogan. Thane Krios was a skilled assassin, but he was also a great man who helped to take down the Collectors and protect the Citadel even as he was dying. Zaeed Massani was the toughest mercenary around, but he gave his life to save someone else's. There are countless others I could name."

Shepard let her eyes glaze with tears at the memories, but they dried as she prepared her next few lines.

"I'm most in debt to the wonderful crew of the Normandy. I pray that they are safe out there somewhere and will be back shortly."

Shepard now peeled the chain off of her neck and held up the key to the audience.

"This one is for you guys."

Everyone began cheering and the rapid fire of camera flashes returned. Reporters started shouting questions left and right, but Admiral Hackett walked up and took the mic.

"There will be no questions from the media today. Shepard's story will be told, but I think for now we should celebrate her accomplishments."

There were disappointed murmurs, but Hackett's stern face made it clear that there was going to be no interrogations today.

"Thank you, sir," Shepard whispered. Admiral Hackett gave her a curt nod before they resumed posing onstage for the millions of pictures and videos to be taken.

* * *

Shepard was backstage saying goodbye to Hackett when her mother casually walked up and stood awkwardly to the side.

"I should let you two talk," Admiral Hackett declared, giving Shepard a pat on the back before stepping away.

"Hi, Mom," Shepard sighed, loosening the buttons around her neck so she could relax.

"I'm so proud of you!" Hannah wrapped her arms around her daughter before quickly pulling back.

"Thanks."

"I mean, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"What?"

"After Torfan, after the whole Cereberus scandal and blowing up the Bahak system, not to mention dying."

"Thanks… I guess."

"Don't be like that, honey. I'm just trying to say that I'm glad that you're alive. You're the hero I always wanted to be. I was afraid that when you're dad died that you would pull away. I guess you did pull away from me emotionally, but when you joined the Alliance it felt like there was a still a piece of me in you."

"Mom, I'm sorry for not contacting you more…"

"No, it's okay. I was a little harsh on you. Maybe I gave you some bad advice, too. I hope to make it up, and hopefully we can be closer now, captain." Hannah gave a little wink.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Well," Shepard's mother smiled, but she looked like she didn't know what to say.

"Well."

"Anyway, I best be leaving. I'm shipping out this week. Going out with a whole fleet to inspect the mass relays. Don't know how long I'll be gone."

"You're already leaving?" Shepard asked, confused and a bit hurt.

"Already leaving? It's been two months."

"Yeah, two months since the biggest war in history. Two months I've spent in a hospital alone after almost dying…"

Colby suddenly appeared behind Shepard, grabbing the handle to her chair.

"So sorry, ma'am. The captain needs to get back to the facility. Been a long day for her. Hasn't it been, Shepard?"

Shepard was so thankful to be pulled out of the conversation that she just wanted to jump up and hug him.

"Okay, I suppose you're right," Shepard huffed.

"It was so good to see you, sweetie."

"Yes. It was good to see you, too. Have a good deployment."

The two hugged each other briefly, but when Hannah backed away she glanced over Shepard.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Am I feeling better? Do you mean if I'm still paralyzed? Then yeah, I still am."

"Do you know how it's going to affect your career and…"

"We really have to be taking her back now. Not safe here," Colby butted in. He started to push her toward the exit. Shepard gave a little wave to her mom as they left the building.

"I definitely owe you a drink, lieutenant. You saved my ass back there," Shepard exclaimed.

"Ha. Just protecting my commanding officer, ma'am."


	7. Interview

In preparation for his interview, Kaidan had shaved for the first time in what felt like forever. It would be good to portray the Alliance in the best light by appearing as a clean-shaven leader who had his shit together. Plus, having no whiskers is what Shepard had always preferred. She would jerk her head back when he kissed her neck and playfully accuse him of hurting her. When they had the opportunity to shower together, she would gently run a razor across his face and check her handiwork by giving him kisses all over. Back on the first Normandy, shaving was part of his daily routine that he never neglected. However, with everything leading up to London and the months after, shaving just did not fit on his list of priorities. Maybe if Shepard saw the vid one day she would appreciate that he put the effort into looking nice on camera for her. Then again, maybe she would laugh at how undignified he looked these days. His hair was growing out weird and was turning grayer by the second. His face appeared as if it had aged by years.

Diana Allers came knocking at the starboard observation deck door at exactly the time they had settled on. She came dressed in her typical attire, with her primary accessory being a vid recording drone. Kaidan greeted her, and the two of them sat down on the couch. She was sitting straight up, so he decided to follow her lead.

"Good, major. No slouching. Looks bad on camera," Diana remarked as she fiddled with the drone.

"No problem. We ready, Allers? Because I have…," Kaidan said before being interrupted.

"Don't worry! I'm ready," she assured. Diana stopped messing with the drone and gave Kaidan a warm smile. "Let's do this. Turning it on now."

The drone lit up and made mechanical noises as the lens became focused on the two of them. The machine turned on a light that nearly blinded him.

"Sorry, Major Alenko," Diana apologized. "Need proper lighting. Can I call you Kaidan?"

Kaidan shrugged. "I'm more comfortable being called Major Alenko during interviews, just for professionalism's sake. But you can call me Kaidan otherwise."

"Sounds good. Anyway, here we go. Deep breath. We're rolling! Can you describe to me what is going on with the Normandy right now?"

"We left Rannoch a few weeks ago. Since then, we've been pressing forward. Hoping to get back to Earth as soon as possible. We are landing on any planets which we're familiar with to stock up on resources."

"Uh huh. So you do you believe the Normandy will make it back to Earth?"

"That's the plan." Kaidan gave his best reassuring smile to the camera.

"On Rannoch, the Normandy left behind Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, two crew members from the original Normandy that fought Saren. Was it hard saying goodbye to them?"

"Of course it was difficult. They are close friends of mine, and they were a vital part of our crew. But in these times, I can understand if they wanted to stay behind on Rannoch. I think they deserve to be a little selfish for once. Commander Shepard would have insisted on it."

"Interesting. Do you think you will see them again? Considering what we currently know about the mass relays."

"Will I see them again? I hope so. Can't say for sure. I already miss them. Now I have to do all of the calibrating," Kaidan chuckled.

"What are you doing to maintain crew morale in these difficult times?"

"I'm emphasizing that everyone needs to keep working hard. We'll make it home if we just stay strong. I think it's a little disheartening for everyone to be stranded out here, not knowing what happened on Earth or who survived. Lieutenant Vega has been helping create some activities to keep everybody's minds off of our predicament. Karaoke is coming up tomorrow, and we played poker recently. Continued my losing streak," Kaidan smirked.

"What motivates you to stay focused on your journey back to Earth?"

"It's my home. It's home for a lot of us. Earth is where we belong. Many of us have family, friends, and loved ones back there. We're praying that we'll get to see them safe and healthy again. My dad… my dad was missing in action the last time I heard. Presumed dead. I'm hoping that my mom is doing okay."

"Yes, we have lost so many people on Earth. I understand that the Normandy evacuated Earth during the battle at London, leaving behind Commander Shepard. Was that a challenging decision? And do you believe that Commander Shepard is alive?"

"It wasn't a decision I had control over. We received orders, and we followed through with them. Joker did what he was told and what was best for the safety of the Normandy. We wouldn't be sitting here talking if he had hesitated or made one wrong move."

"I see. And what about Commander Shepard?"

"Whatever she did, it obviously worked. From what we've heard, the Reapers are dead. So she must have been alive in order to end the war. So I think there's a good chance she's alive now if she was able to make it to that point."

"That is a logical conclusion, yet the crew seems to feel otherwise."

"We took a lot of hard hits on the ground. They might doubt her survival, but I've worked with her for a while now, and I know she's the toughest solider around. Or maybe I'm being naive, and they're right. Who knows? That's the point. Nobody can say anything definite just yet, so I'm keeping the faith alive."

"It's clear to everyone that the commander is a close personal friend of yours. What would you say to her if she could hear you right now?"

Kaidan paused before answering. He needed to respond to this question tactfully. Allers was going to a place he didn't want to go. She was digging up a little too much for his comfort.

"I would just tell her that we're coming home as fast as we can. That we're all proud of her. If she's hurt, I'd want her to be strong. And the whole crew misses her."

"Is that all?" Diana questioned.

"Allers, let's not go there," Kaidan warned.

"Go where, Major Alenko?" Allers prodded. She batted her eyelashes in an attempt to play innocent.

"All that I can say is that is hard to fill her footsteps. She's the best leader I've ever met."

"Okay," Diana said distractedly. She turned off the drone, and the light on Kaidan's face went out. "Thanks so much, Kaidan. I'm sorry if I said anything to offend you, just trying to get good material."

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"It must be difficult to be here without her."

"I'm not sure what…"

"Respectfully, you can cut the crap. The camera's off, and I don't have a wire taped to me. I mean, it's obvious what was going on. I don't really know why you want to hide it so much because I doubt anyone would care at this point. I merely wanted to express sympathy."

Kaidan was unsure what to say. He wanted to continue denying it, but it was somewhat of a relief to have someone straight out confess that they knew about their relationship. Some pressure had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"Off the record… yeah, it hasn't been easy, but I keep going because I have to know what happened to her," Kaidan confessed. He rubbed his neck. "Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel sympathetic to you, too"

"Oh?" Diana raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. You're stuck on this ship with the rest of us. I know your career is probably a big part of your life, but I'm sure you're missing someone or something right now. And you've got great footage of the battle and what's happening here, and you can't exactly show it to galaxy. The news world is moving on without you."

"News is moving on without me? We'll see about that. I'm dropping off footage and interviews with every populated sentient planet we pass, and I think my boss will like what I bring back with me. That is if the crew and you give me something to work with," Diana smiled.

"Ha. We'll try. I also wanted to let you know that I'm here. If you want to talk or anything, you know."

"Good to know, major. Same goes for you." Allers stood up to leave, but she started pressing something on the drone. "I just sent you a message with some vids of London. Got a few of the commander in action. Thought you might want an exclusive first look."

"Thank you… Diana."

"No problem."

Allers sauntered out, her drone following right behind. When the doors shut, Kaidan pulled up his messages on his omni-tool. He opened a vid that Diana had just sent. It was a recording of Shepard standing at the docking ramp. Kaidan was in the corner of the frame, being held up by Garrus. Kaidan's heart dropped. He knew what this was. It was difficult to hear anything except for the roar of the battlefield. He watched as Shepard reached toward him, giving him one last kiss. She stepped away, and Garrus held him back. The camera focused on her face. She was beautiful, even with the blood and soot smeared across her face. Shepard looked sad, but he saw the determination in her eyes. Kaidan watched as she ran toward Harbinger, dodging left and right, taking out an enemy here and there. Kaidan was tugged back into the ship, and the ramp door closed. The vid ended. He hoped these weren't the last images he would see of her.


	8. Getting to Know You

Kaidan was leaning against the rails of the platform that overlooked the galaxy map. He was watching the Normandy slowly move across the display. Shepard used to do the same thing when she had something on her mind. The crew didn't bother her and waited patiently for the next command or question. At the moment, he was here instead of her. Kaidan had recently spoken to Traynor about their current course, and now he was lost in his thoughts. The Normandy looked so small on the map. The distance that was still between them and Earth was enormous. It was overwhelming to think about it, but Kaidan kept focusing on the positive. They were over halfway home.

James strolled by the deck. Kaidan caught him passing in the corner of his eye and moved to go speak with him.

"Vega!" Kaidan called.

"Major?" Vega stopped and turned around as Kaidan rushed up to him.

"Hey. I remembered that Allers wanted to talk to you about doing a vid segment."

"Oh yeah?" Vega answered, feigning surprise.

Kaidan ignored the lieutenant's attitude and merely nodded. "Just wanted to remind you. She's intent on getting everybody to contribute."

"I don't know. Not my thing. Don't like the chick."

"What?" Kaidan didn't know what else to say. He became uncomfortable sometimes when insubordinates spoke their mind.

"I don't trust her. I don't like the way she struts around and gets in everyone's business," Vega mumbled, looking away. It was almost as if he knew he was toeing the line.

"Lieutenant…" Kaidan warned.

"And I'd watch out for her if I were you."

"And why is that?" Kaidan asked, his questioning tone lingering in the air.

"Nothing, major. I just don't want to talk to her."

"Huh. I think you should reconsider. Allers doesn't have a lot of support on this ship, but she is one of us, and we should treat her with the respect and empathy she deserves. Got it?"

"Yeah. Is that a command?"

"Lieutenant," Kaidan sighed heavily. This conversation was starting to give him stress, and he felt a migraine coming on.

"Got it," Vega acquiesced.

Kaidan turned around to leave, but Vega grasped his arm.

"I'm sorry, major. Didn't mean to give you a hard time," he apologized.

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan muttered. He wanted to go back to the quiet of his room and not have to deal with the crew for a while. It was truly draining being in Shepard's shoes.

* * *

Shepard let Colby pick the place. It was time to finally buy him a drink for saving her from another passive aggressive conversation with her mother. She wasn't too familiar with Vancouver because she had only spent limited time there in training or on lockdown. Shepard was a spacer, and while she knew a few great places on Jump Zero and in other corners of the galaxy, she had to trust Colby on this one. The place he chose was in an old brick building. Shepard couldn't believe that it had managed to still be standing after the Reapers. Colby led her to the basement of the place. There was no signage. She hesitantly followed him in, but she smiled when she finally got a look of what was inside.

There was an old-fashioned wood bar and a few sparsely populated tables. The clientele appeared to be rough-around-the-edges, retired Alliance types. A small screen behind the bar was displaying the news on mute. Smoke swirled in the air from cigars, despite the fact that smoking in a public establishment had been banned for years. The only sounds were those of quiet voices and the clinking of glasses. This was her type of place: a dive bar where you could go incognito and not care about the rules.

Shepard headed for an empty table, but Colby grabbed her arm gently.

"Where do you think you're going? You have to go sit at the bar with me."

"Umm, have you lost your memory, Colby?" Shepard said as she gestured toward her lower extremities.

"Nope," he replied nonchalantly

He pushed her to the bar and pulled out one of the barstools for her. Shepard gave Colby a weary look, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"So the brave and heroic Commander… actually, make that Captain Shepard- can't conquer a measly barstool?" he playfully taunted.

"Fuck you," she growled. She had been feeling better physically and emotionally, but she still wasn't in the mood to play games.

Colby put his hands up quickly. "Whoa, there! No harm intended. I'm going to sit here and order a drink. Let me know when you care to join me."

He took a seat next to hers and waved down the bartender.

"Wait, wait," she yelped. In the beginning, she had wanted to push herself to the limit and recuperate as much physical ability as possible. As time went on, she had grown reluctant. Why embarrass herself? She was never going to be whole again. However, she wasn't going to let herself sink deeper into her shell today. Shepard had told Colby that she'd buy him a damn drink, and she was going to do it.

Colby smiled in relief as he witnessed Shepard preparing to get onto the stool. He held it down so it wouldn't tip over from the imbalance. Using her arms, she managed to pull herself all of the way up and take a seat. Though it was an easy and inconsequential task for the average person, it was nothing short of amazing for anyone with Shepard's injuries.

Shepard was out of breath, but she gave Colby a wicked grin. "Don't mess with your superiors, Colby."

"Wouldn't think about it," he smiled.

Shepard went ahead and called the bartender over. "Shots, please." She turned toward Colby. "Choose your weapon."

"Shots?"

"What? You got a problem, Colby? Can't hold your liquor?"

"Oh, we'll see about that," he challenged. Colby turned to address the bartender. "Tequila."

"Eww," Shepard exclaimed, wrinkling her nose.

"Hey, you told me I could get what I wanted!"

"That was before I knew you were a girl," she retorted.

* * *

A while later, Kaidan was peering out of the observation deck window with his forehead pressed against the cool pane. He was thinking about the whiskey that Shepard had given him back when he was in Huerta Memorial. Kaidan had brought the bottle to her room on the night before the battle. He had wanted her to relax and spend one last night with him. They never did get around to drinking much of it. Kaidan had held off from drinking the rest of the whiskey despite his desire to sip it all down and become numb. He put it aside, thinking that Shepard and he would finally get to resume their drinks after defeating the Reapers. Kaidan continued believing that for several months, and even though they were getting closer to home, something within him snapped on this day. Kaidan went over to the cabinet and retrieved the bottle. He poured himself a stiff drink and stared at it. By drinking it, was he admitting defeat? He wasn't sure. Holding the drink loosely in his hand, he swirled it around and went to the window to look out at the stars. He hoped Shepard was out there, along with his mom and dad, even though the odds were incredibly against him.

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan jumped a little, shocked at the voice. He hadn't heard anyone come in. The voice was human and female, and had a tone that held that touch of authority. He thought for a second that he would turn around and find Shepard. The voice wasn't a complete match though. It was a higher pitch, a little more feminine. It wasn't wracked with sadness. When he turned around, and all he saw was Diana Allers.

"Sorry to interrupt," Diana said quietly.

"Oh. You're not interrupting anything," Kaidan assured.

"I wanted to thank you for getting Vega to participate."

"So he finally did it? That's good."

"What did you do?" Diana accused. A smile formed on her face.

"What do you mean?" Kaidan blurted. He was a little confused. Didn't Vega do what she had wanted? Or maybe Vega did something he shouldn't have?

"What sort of punishment did you threaten with him to get him be in the vid and behave himself?" she questioned, pretending to be serious by folding her arms in front of her.

"Hah. I didn't bribe him. Maybe you just wore him down." Kaidan chuckled before becoming stoic again. He glanced down at the glass in his hand and resumed swishing its liquid content.

"Have a drinking problem? That would make for a great special."

"What?"

"You've been nursing that drink like it's the most interesting thing in the world," she observed.

"Sorry," he apologized.

"No need to apologize. I was simply curious. I suppose you believe that the meaning of life can be found at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey?"

"I wish. I was thinking about my mom and dad. And Shepard, I guess. I miss her. I also feel... I know I should let it go after all of this time, but I'm ashamed of breaking the regs."

"I can understand," Diana replied. "Though you're probably more worked up about it than anyone else is."

"I know. Sorry, didn't mean to be whining about it again," Kaidan joked.

"It's hard to keep ourselves in check when our hearts are screaming at us. They overrule whatever our brains may be telling us to do. I know a little about that. You guys have regs, we have journalistic integrity. Don't get involved with your stories," Diana said before taking a deep breath. "I can't say I've been very good at about that recently."

Diana's confession forced Kaidan to raise an eyebrow. _Was she implying something?_ _She couldn't possibly, could she? Is this what Vega was trying to tell him?_

Allers appeared alarmed by Kaidan's expression. "Wait, what? You think you? Oh, no. No, major," she chuckled. "Not that you're an unattractive guy, but I'm not touching the commander's man. That's just asking for it."

"Then… who?"

"You're not getting that out of me. Like you, I do have some integrity, despite my leather wardrobe that the male viewership appreciates."

"Hey, but you know about Shepard and me!"

"And didn't I tell you that I'd keep my lips sealed?" she teased as she mimed zipping her lips shut.

"I know, but…"

"Well, I do owe you one. It's..." she paused.

"Are you leaving me with a cliffhanger?" he groaned.

"Nope. I won't be that cruel. It's Traynor," she whispered before breaking into a grin.

"Really? I didn't think you…"

"Swung that way? If you didn't have your hands all over the commander, I might have been in your place," she winked.

Kaidan was left speechless as Allers stalked out. He felt relieved to hear that she wasn't after him and that someone on the Normandy was being a friend to her. If only he could tell Vega… but he wasn't going to break Diana's trust.

* * *

Less than an hour later, a collection of empty shot glasses had formed on the bar in front of Shepard and Colby. Shepard was slumped over the bar, her head propped up by her hands. Her face was a fiery red. Colby, on the other hand, appeared to be unaffected.

"You're a cheat! I'm on my meds," she slurred.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have tried to keep up with me. Or maybe you should not have been drinking at all, actually."

She glared at him. "Screw you."

"Ouch," he mumbled, looking not the least bit hurt by her words. She swatted him. "I surrender! You won."

"Good," she gave a smug smile before polishing off the last shot of the night. "I have to thank you, you know."

"For the mom thing? Don't worry about it. I'd hate for a cat fight between your mother and you during the awards ceremony to become the latest celeb gossip story."

Shepard snorted. "Ha. Actually, I might have enjoyed it. My mom would've certainly shit her pants to see that come out in the press." She quickly put her hand up to cover her agape mouth. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking like this. Too many drinks. The war might be over, but still shouldn't be unprofessional."

"No, no…"

"I do want to thank you, not only for the mom thing, but for being a good friend. Everyone else is off doing something. Fixing the galaxy, yada, yada. I've felt kind of all by myself," she frowned. "Not that I need people."

"It's okay to be human."

"I guess so. Been feeling extra human lately." She played with the empty shot glass on the table before glancing up at Colby through her eyelashes. The two looked at each other, not saying anything. An unwelcome warmth spread throughout her. In her mind, she yelled at her body to knock it off. _Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan_. She broke her gaze and casually turned away from him. Her eyes caught a glimpse of the news on the screen. _Kaidan_. Kaidan's face was on the screen. She had trouble reading the text running across the bottom of the news channel in her current drunken state.

"Hey, Mr. Bartender. Turn it up!" she hollered. The bartender turned on the sound.

"What is it?" Colby asked confusedly. Shepard didn't bother responding to him.

A voice on the screen could now be heard, and Shepard's picture popped up. _Huh?_ The picture quickly faded into a picture of Shepard and Kaidan in their dress blues, standing next to each other. _When was that picture from? The ceremony on the Citadel after Sovereign? Why did they crop everyone else out?_ "Our source says that Captain Shepard and Major Alenko were involved in a sexual relationship even before the defeat of Sovereign several years ago. There has been no sight of the Normandy since V-day. The Alliance has declined to comment. And now, moving on…"

Shepard stopped listening. _Did it just say what she thought it did?_ She gave a quick glance at Colby. He was staring at the screen, but his mouth was hanging open. He saw Shepard's movement and reflexively clenched his jaws shut. Shepard didn't really know what she was feeling. She wanted to get out of there. Her omni-tool began to light up and ping from messages coming in.

Shepard began lowering herself down into her chair, and Colby got up to help her.

"Don't," she commanded. Once she was settled, she moved toward the bartender and made sure to pay off the tab. Then she attempted to head for the exit, but Colby pulled the chair to a halting stop. He went to put his hand on her arm to calm her, but she swiped it away.

"Don't touch me," she ordered angrily. The reality of the situation was sinking in. Immediately after hearing the news report, she had been in denial. Then, she was suddenly relieved. Now they didn't need to fool anyone. But… what about her career? His? Oh, the public was going to go insane for this story. The Alliance, too.

Colby was looking at her, but wasn't saying a word.

"What? Speechless, lieutenant? Well, sorry. Guess I'm too human, eh?" Shepard quipped, but there was nothing cute or funny about her tone.

She wished she could stomp and storm out, but there was only so much a disabled woman could do. Shepard moved as fast as possible out of the bar without giving Colby another look.

"Shepard!"

She heard him yell after her, but she wasn't up to facing him. Shepard was ashamed, and she couldn't pinpoint what exactly was causing her to feel that way.


	9. The Truth

Shepard's hand hovered over the doorknob. It remained suspended in air and trembling slightly. Shepard bit her lower lip unconsciously. On the other side of the heavy door was one of the things she feared the most in life: a confrontation with the admiral. She hoped that the only punishment would be her honorable discharge from the Alliance. She also prayed that her conversation with Hackett wouldn't lead to her being court-martialed.

With a deep breath, Shepard opened the door. Admiral Hackett was sitting behind the large desk in his newly rebuilt office. Floor-to-ceiling windows revealed a healing Vancouver. Large swaths of the city were still dark or in ruins, but some buildings were new or in the process of being restored. Shepard found the view encouraging. Maybe everything could be healed in time. She took a spot between the two plush chairs juxtaposed in front of Hackett's desk.

To Shepard's surprise, Admiral Hackett was not glaring at her. He appeared tense, but perhaps she wasn't in trouble. Hackett folded his arms and sighed.

"Shepard," he calmly greeted her.

"Admiral Hackett," she replied quietly. "I know why you called me in here. It's because of the media reports about Major Alenko and me. I won't deny that it happened, but I want to apologize. I hope this won't affect Kaidan's career or mine, but I understand completely if you have to do something about it."

Hackett merely stared at her blankly before clearing his throat.

"What the two of you did was reckless and completely against every single one of our fraternization regulations. We have them in place for a reason. These things… can affect your command," the admiral chastised.

Shepard felt her face grow hot. She lowered her eyes to the ground to avoid the admiral.

"That being said, you're a good soldier and a damn fine leader. I don't think there was negative effect on your ability to get the job done," he continued. "And I honestly can't say that we didn't see it coming."

Shepard's mouth hung agape, but she snapped it shut. "But how?"

"You're surprised? After you emerged from the rubble at the Citadel, after your funeral, after Alenko's injury… I could go on, but I think you get the point. I mean, it wasn't public knowledge, but I'm sure your crew and some other Alliance knew."

Shepard's face flushed even further. She remembered the Citadel.

_Everything was falling down around her. "Ashes to ashes, we all fall down," the old childhood song ran through her head in those split seconds. Shepard closed her eyes as the wall and ceiling came down on her. All she could do was put her arms up over her in a defensive stance to protect her head and neck. She was certain that it was the end of the line for her._

_Shepard was shocked to learn that she was alive after waking from the darkness. She was happy about it, but damn, her arm hurt like hell. She had managed to land in a crevice that allowed most of her body to remain unharmed. Shepard crawled out of the wreckage slowly, afraid to upset the balance of the rubble and have everything come crashing down. Were Garrus and Kaidan safe? She started to panic a little, but her fears were calmed once she emerged and limped toward where they had been standing earlier. Kaidan, Garrus, and Anderson were there._

_Kaidan looked upset, but when he finally glanced up to see Shepard coming his way, his face froze. He must've thought she was dead. He paced toward her, ignoring whatever Anderson and Garrus were saying. They also turned their attention to her. Both appeared relieved, but Shepard was still unsure about Alenko. Her thoughts were interrupted when he made it to her. His lips locked onto hers, and he held her in a tight embrace. She yelped in pain from his jostling her arm, but he still didn't let go._

" _Kaidan…," she murmured. Her head was caught in a riptide of emotions: relieved to see him alive, joyful to have him holding her, fear because others were looking on, and pain._

" _Sorry," he mumbled, finally pulling himself apart from her. His face instantly darkened as he touched her wounded arm._

" _Don't… it's okay. It's over," she said quietly. Garrus and Anderson looked like they were now in a deep conversation, and the two were turned away from Kaidan and Shepard. She took the opportunity to gently lean into Kaidan as the strength that had pushed her through the battle finally gave out._

The memories faded, and Shepard found Hackett staring at her curiously.

"Sorry, sir. Lost in thought for a second. So what now?"

"What now? You're still a captain. Just waiting for your ship to return. There is one thing…"

"Yes?"

"It'd be great if you could clear everything up with the press. Give an interview. Tell the world. You're something of a celebrity now. Some are not happy with the Alliance's handling of things post-war. It might soften them up to hear your tales."

"You want me out from behind my desk and doing publicity?"

"It's only temporary. We're in a tough spot right now. I'm not that happy about the idea myself, but I've been told it will help… calm some tensions."

"I don't know, sir. I'll have to give it some thought. Thank you for everything."

The two smiled at each other and shook hands. Shepard wheeled out of the room. She was grateful for the way Hackett had reacted, but she was uncertain as to whether she could go through with spilling her guts in front of the universe.

* * *

Feros. Kaidan had actually not accompanied Shepard during most of her time on the planet. She had taken Wrex and Tali with her to explore ExoGeni and Zhu's Hope, and it was only when they returned to the _Normandy_ that he had heard about the Thorian. He hadn't seen it up close and personal, but it still appeared in his nightmares.

Feros was still a pile of rubble that was mostly uninhabited. Shepard had helped pull funding from Zhu's Hope in fear that ExoGeni would try something again. ExoGeni had withdrawn from the planet, and only a few former colonists and employees decided to say. However, when the Normandy made a stop there to refuel, Kaidan was surprised to see many people moving about the remains of the old colony. He took Liara and James with him to go check the situation out. By the time he stepped out of the ship, a woman was already out there to greet them.

"Hello there! Wow, the _Normandy_!," she exhaled, before hugging each of them in turn. Kaidan exchanged uneasy looks with his squadmates.

"Ma'am," Kaidan addressed her.

"Sorry. Just wanted to do that. I am so thankful for everything you guys have done. I'm Angela. I guess you could say I'm the mayor of Zhu's Hope."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Major Alenko."

"Oh, I know who you are." Angela smiled shyly.

"I'm Liara …" Liara got out before being interrupted.

"Any news?" Vega questioned, ignoring the introductions.

"News? Well, what do you already know?"Angela said, turning to him.

"Nothing at all."

"Well, then. The Reapers are dead, but you might know that. You're my heroes!"

"We actually knew about the situation with the Reapers," Kaidan sighed. "Anything more?"

"Sure. Refugees, merchants, and military have been stopping by and staying here as they head back to wherever. We get a pretty good steam of information. If you know about the Reapers, you probably now the relays and comm buoys are out. People say they might be back up within a year or two."

"That's good news," Kaidan replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. "And what about… did Commander Shepard live?"

"Commander Shepard? Oh, yeah. She's alive. I know she was in a coma for a while. The gossip I'm getting now is that she woke up, but I'm not sure yet. They say she took a hell of a beating in London."

Kaidan could see Liara's eyes swell with unshed tears as she heard the news. Kaidan's vision got blurry, and he realized that he was having the same problem.

"Lola's alive!" Vega exclaimed.

Kaidan put a hand on his forehead, calming the migraine that was coming. The good news was too much to take in at the moment. He regained his composure.

"Is there by any chance we could stay here for a week or so? The _Normandy_ could use some supplies and fuel for the last haul home."

"Certainly, major. We'd be absolutely honored," Angela smiled warmly, leading them toward the now bustling colony.

* * *

Shepard sat in front of a mirror lined with retro light bulbs. The vintage vanity rested in a television news dressing room where Shepard had been escorted several days after her meeting with the admiral. She observed herself in the mirror. They had dressed her in a fuzzy pink sweater, and her lips were shiny with gloss.

"This is bullshit," Shepard announced.

The other occupant of the room, Colby, audibly sighed as he examined his omni-tool. "What's bullshit?"

"Everything," she replied, gesturing at the room and herself. "I don't know why I convinced myself that this was a good idea. I guess at least I know that I don't want to do this anymore."

Shepard's miniature rant was met with silence from Colby.

"Look, I'm sorry about leaving the bar. It was just a bit… jarring to hear that news report. And I didn't want you to think less of me as a soldier," she confessed.

Colby met her eyes. "It's no problem, ma'am. I still think you're the best the Alliance has ever seen."

"Why thank you, Mr. Colby," she teased, batting her eyelashes. "But seriously, it's Shepard, not 'ma'am.' And secondly, get me the hell out of here."

"Fine, Shepard. Wait, what?" Colby stopped fidgeting with his omni-tool.

"Unfortunately, I've suddenly come down with an illness. I won't be able to do my tell-all. Aww. Such a shame."

"But Hackett basically ordered you to do it! Alliance isn't going to be happy."

"Well, they're not going to have much say in the matter."

"Actually, I think they will."

"Wrong. How can they get mad at a civilian?"

Colby gave her a blank stare.

"I've had a draft of my resignation letter sitting around for a week or two. I'm no paper-pusher, and I'm not about to be some quasi-celebrity going on about lost love."

"You could get back into the field…"

"I don't think so. If so, not anytime soon. I gave it a try. I'm done now."

"Okay. If you're sure about this, Shepard… I'll go talk to the producer. But what are you going to do if you're not in the Alliance?"

"That's the funny thing," she smiled coyly. "I just got this message from the asari counselor. Apparently, the council is as ineffective as ever. Destroying the universe's number one enemy is apparently not enough to achieve world peace. So the council sent me an invite to be their latest counselor."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so," she said, her tone becoming grim. "I never wanted to be in politics, but I can't let things fall apart again. Just when I'm getting a break, it seems like there's always another crisis."

"You don't have to do this. You've done so much already. Why don't you just pack up your things and retire?"

Shepard shook her head. "It's not me. And if I know you at all, you should understand. You going to pack up your rifle when your contract is up with the Alliance? I didn't think so."

Shepard stared at Colby until he finally gave a little nod. "I understand. I'll go talk to the people. You should probably make a run for the exit in case someone tries to convince you to stay."

"Lieutenant Colby, you're my hero. Is there an awkward social situation that you can't save me from? This time I'll take you out for coffee."

* * *

A week had passed by in Zhu's Hope. Kaidan had suffered from a painful migraine for days. Dr. Michel had given him the maximum dosage of painkillers, but it had still taken a while for him to regain the ability to think clearly. He had spent most of his time on the planet curled in a ball in a small guestroom at Angela's house.

Shepard was alive… she was in a coma, but people had said that she had woken up. Everything was going to be fine. No longer did he have a heavy heart and a gnawing desire to rush to Earth. Sure, he still wanted to be by her side as soon as possible, but he felt some contentment at hearing her fate. He was glad the crew had been wrong about her. You could never underestimate Shepard.

He knew he should focus on thinking about the journey back, but he couldn't help letting his thoughts drift. He thought about his future with Shepard. Now that everything was finally over, they could think about being together. Kaidan was certain that she didn't want to retire, so maybe they could both could quit the Alliance and just be Spectres. Or he could quit, and she could remain in the Alliance. She deserved to be an admiral for everything she'd done.

It was their last night on the planet. Angela was hosting a dinner for the Normandy crew and the leaders of the colony. The crew's mood had lifted dramatically since their arrival on Feros. Everyone passed around food, and it was loud with boisterous jokes and stories. Liara sat next to Kaidan, and she had a small smile on her face as she ate.

"Thank the goddess that Shepard is alive. I can't wait to see her," she said between bites of food.

"Me, too. We can't think about that though. Still have to keep our attention on getting the _Normandy_ back safe and sound," Kaidan replied.

"Yes, I know. I just wanted to..."

Liara's words slowly came to a halt as a man walked into the hall of Angela's house. He glanced around before approaching Angela and whispering something in her ear. No one took note of it except for Liara and Kaidan. Angela's face grew troubled as she listened to whatever he was saying.

"What do you think that's about?" Liara asked.

"I don't know, but I'm about to find out," he said as he sat up from his chair.

Kaidan made his way to Angela just as the man backed away from her and quickly exited the house. Angela turned away and moved toward the table, but Kaidan reached out for her shoulder.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. We just got some new messages from a drone."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine," Angela said with obviously false cheer.

"Really?"

"It was… there's no point in hiding it from everyone, I suppose. You'll find out when you get there. We received confirmation that Shepard is alive and awake. There was a big ceremony for her. She got an award and is a captain now. But they're saying that's she paralyzed," Angela murmured, shaking her head sadly.


	10. Coming Home

Everyone kept checking in on him and asking if he was okay after Shepard's condition was revealed. Truthfully, he was a little startled. Kaidan, however, never said that, preferring to keep up a strong front. He kept it to himself. When he had told everyone about the news, most of them appeared crestfallen. Kaidan knew that Shepard's world would be turned upside down by her new situation, but she was alive. He'd take her in whatever shape as long as she wanted to be with him. Kaidan wished that he could reach out to her now. They had been able to pass a few messages along to other ships heading for Earth, but he was uncertain as to whether any would arrive before the _Normandy_ could make contact.

They were now only a month away from Earth.

* * *

Shepard had plans to meet Colby at the coffee shop they had been hanging out in over the last couple of weeks. She was not a fan of the quickie, gourmet coffee joints that were scattered throughout the city and operating at full-force despite the fact that Reapers marched on the same ground a year ago. Nope. Not her style. They had found an old-school diner that served slightly burnt coffee at a bargain price. The only option was regular or decaf, and the creamer was powdered and had no flavor.

Colby was no longer her bodyguard. He had been removed from duty shortly after Shepard's retirement was announced. When the news that she was becoming the latest council member broke, the council had assigned a Spectre to protect her. He was a turian named Norven, a real serious guy who reminded her too much of Saren and Nihlus. Norven was no replacement for Colby, who had grown to be the best friend that Shepard had around these days. Miranda had finished traveling all across the globe to help out hospitals. She was now living in London with Orianna while working at the medical research hospital there. Jack had left her position with the Alliance, believing that since the war was over, biotic kids didn't need to be recruited and turned into killing machines. Instead, she had gone off to the countryside to oversee a kind of academy/foster home for troubled biotic kids. When Jack told her about it, Shepard had jokingly called her Professor X, like the psychic guy in the X-Men comic books and old vids. Jack had threatened Shepard and then proceeded to tell her she was more like Professor X… because of the chair and all. Jack instantly apologized, but Shepard just let it roll off of her shoulders. Shepard was incredibly proud of her friends, and even though she missed them, she understood. Plus, there was always video chat. The council had temporarily taken up Vancouver as its home because of its proximity to Alliance headquarters, so there was no opportunity for Shepard to move elsewhere.

"Hey, counselor," Colby greeted her as he slid into the spot opposite of her. He looked different without his Alliance uniform; replacing his military attire was a weathered leather jacket paired with jeans, though he still wore his combat boots. Shepard found the outfit appealing, and it reminded her of her own everyday style. Had she ever seen Kaidan in anything other than his Alliance uniform or Spectre gear? She panicked- maybe she was starting to forget him. On shore leave, he had worn… had worn… soft old T-shirts that she loved touching when they embraced. Shepard had teased him about his love of nylon cargo pants. Kaidan had jokingly explained that he'd be prepared for anything in them. And oh, how could she forget the sweater that his mother had made for him? She smiled at the memory of it and felt a pang of sadness when she pictured Kaidan in the chunky turtleneck.

"What's up?" Colby asked, once again waking her up from her daydreams.

"Nothing, just thinking."

"Uh huh. So what's going on with you?"

"Same old thing. Trying to get the council to listen to reason. Stop people from fighting. Only this time, they're actually listening to me. A little too late for that, but hey. I guess it helps to be in power."

"Ha. Well, stand your ground. God knows that you're probably the only one there who knows what they're doing."

"I don't know about that, they did replace some of the original members with people I've worked with before," Shepard replied with a gracious smile before taking a sip of her coffee.

"I still think you're the most competent person there. I mean, you're the savior of the galaxy."

"Colby," Shepard playfully warned, rolling her eyes.

"Okay ma'am, change of subject, enough flattery for you. How's the new bodyguard? Miss me?"

Shepard bristled a little at Colby's flirtatious tone before quirking her head at him. "I don't what I'd do without you, Colby! I need a big, tall man to save me from all of the baddies and those pesky fans who want an autograph. I might even chip a nail opening a door or something!"

"You joke now, but I'm sure you miss me getting you out of things," he retorted with a smirk.

Shepard froze in place, her face warm from a blush that was spreading across her face. _Get your head out of the gutter_ , she reprimanded herself. _Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan_. And Colby probably didn't even think of her that way. He was just being friendly. Shepard was simply starved of romance over the past year. "Honestly, I wish you were still my bodyguard. Norven's a complete professional, but sometimes it's good to just have someone to talk to. Plus, I don't really need him. So what if I can't run? I can shoot better than anyone."

"That might be true, but it is necessary."

"Is it really, though?

"Yes."

"Oh well."

"Shepard," Colby sighed.

"It's just that I didn't call him to follow me here today."

"And why is that?" Colby stared at her now.

Shepard couldn't tell by his tone whether he was genuinely concerned about not having a guard or if he was joking. "I don't know," she responded honestly.

And then their eyes met. There was a spark there, one she hadn't come across since Kaidan. Both of them shyly glanced away, but the damage was already done.

"Anyway, there's a reason I wanted to meet up, other than to just catch up," Shepard said, breaking the awkward silence between them.

"And why is that?"

"I spoke to Miranda earlier this week. She's flying in tomorrow. They have the resources now to do a procedure that will hopefully get me walking again. It'll take surgery, stem cells, new cybernetic implants, and who knows what else, but she's confident. There will be a lot of downtime and physical therapy, and there's some risk, but I would be able to do some work for the council while I'm recovering."

"Wow. That's incredible. Are you going to do it?"

"I think I will. I could even rejoin the Alliance once this is all over, if they'll have me again."

"Is that what you want? I thought you were moving on."

"I'm not sure, but it'd be nice to have legitimate options about my future for a change."

Colby was quiet and looked at her with an odd look that Shepard couldn't identify. "Surgery or not, you're amazing just the way your are, Shepard."

"I don't know about that. Thanks for being a friend through all of this. It's meant a lot to me."

"No problem. I'm glad I could be… a friend." He smiled at her, but Shepard could tell he was a bit hesitant.

She wasn't sure when it had happened, but their heads had moved closer to each other somehow over the past few minutes. She didn't know who made the first move, but their lips met. Her eyes shut automatically. The kiss was gentle and reserved, until Shepard took the lead and opened her mouth. Her lips curled into a smile as she deepened the kiss. A second or two passed, and Colby brought up his hand over her cheek. At that, Shepard pulled away. It was extremely strange, almost an out-of-body experience kissing Colby, but she couldn't deny that it had also been exhilarating.

"Shit, I'm sorry," was the first thing out of Colby's mouth.

"Don't be, it's not like it was all…"

"You have a boyfriend, right? Major Alenko? And I didn't even ask… even ask if you wanted something like this," he said, interrupting her.

His words shut her up. She did have a boyfriend. Or maybe she had one at some point. A year with no word about the _Normandy_ has made her wonder if she'd ever see one of her crewmates again. It was easy to keep up the hope at first, but somewhere down the line, Shepard had started to doubt it. Sure, ships were still arriving on Earth from distant corners of the galaxy, but not her ship. She had promised to wait for Kaidan, and she was still waiting. Shepard hadn't blamed him when he saw someone else after her death, but it was a different situation. The lines were blurry, and she was still in love with Kaidan and had no closure. When would be the right time to think about moving on?

One thing she was certain about was that it wasn't the time or place for her to be deciding this.

"Can we put a bookmark on this whole thing and come back to it later?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I can definitely do that," Colby appeared less guilty now, though he was rubbing his face pensively.

"Okay, good. Well, my first surgery is scheduled for next week, so it might be a while."

"That's not a problem. Do you have anybody who's going to be there?"

"Miranda, of course, will be in the operating room. I'm sure Jack will show up at some point. If you're asking… I wouldn't mind you being there."

"No, I was simply asking."

"Okay."

Silence. Shepard wanted to slip out of there. She wasn't sure what to say anymore.

Colby sighed, breaking the tension in the room. "Shepard, I want to…"

But he didn't finish his sentence.

Her coffee cup broke in her hands, and the glass windows shattered into thousands of pieces. There was a massive wave of force that sent Colby propelling forward, sending Shepard back as well. The table turned to splinters when it slammed against a wall. There was a loud, concussive boom and a searing heat. Shepard only had enough time to register confusion. It didn't make any sense. She was having coffee with Colby in Vancouver. This wasn't a battlefield. And then it was just black.

* * *

Here they were. Staring down at Earth. Was there ever a more beautiful sight? Kaidan had never felt such relief, such heart-swelling pride to see his home planet. It was over. The yearlong odyssey had finally come to its conclusion. He would finally get to see Shepard, his mom, and his dad- hopefully. First, of course, they'd have to land successfully and probably go through quarantine and debriefing, but it was a small price to pay to be home.

"You ready for this, hombre?" Vega said as he slapped his hand on Kaidan's shoulder as they looked down at their final destination.

"I'm ready for this."


	11. Aftermath

Shepard woke up with a start. She had difficulty remembering what had happened before she lost consciousness, but she was quickly reminded when she scoped out her environment. The air was thick with smoke from several fires that were scattered throughout what remained of the coffee shop. The building's sprinkler system had activated, and combined with the smoky haze, visibility was limited. Shepard could hear the screams though. Instantly, she was transported back to what she had dreamed about in the darkness. The boy running through the forest, the transport ship being shot out of the sky, leaving Ashley on Virmire, Mordin staying behind on Tuchanka, Legion's sacrifice on Rannoch, Thane's death, Kaidan nearly dying on Mars, suffocating while drifting though space, Thessia falling, meeting the Leviathan, making the choice. Shepard hadn't been plagued by the nightmares ever since she chose to destroy the Reapers. Now it all came rushing back to the surface, overwhelming her completely. Her chest felt tight and weighed down, and she started to hyperventilate. The smoky air was limiting the oxygen, and her thoughts became fuzzy. She wasn't sure if the water on her face was from the sprinklers or if she was actually crying.

"Calm down. It's going to be okay. We just need to focus on getting out of here," a raspy voice called to her.

Shepard searched for the voice, but found that even when she sat up, she wasn't able to turn around completely. Looking down at her legs, she learned why. A large chuck of concrete was resting on her left leg, pinning her down.

"Dammit," she muttered, trying to push it off. Unfortunately, the concrete didn't budge. It felt like multiple people would be required to get the stupid thing off of her. Grunting with frustration, Shepard laid back down on the ground, knowing it might give her a chance to not die of smoke inhalation. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to erase the memories from the forefront of her mind, but she kept picturing the stars around her. Her heart was beating out of control.

Something brushed her arm, and her eyes snapped open. The face above her was covered in soot and badly burned on the side and part of the forehead.

"Colby?"

"Yeah, come on," he replied, his voice weak. Colby tested the concrete block on her leg before making a pained noise. That's when Shepard noticed the metal shard sticking out of his back.

"Fuck. Stop that," she demanded. "You know you have a piece of metal stuck in your back?"

"Really, is that what that tingling feeling was?" he joked half-heartedly.

"Come on, I can put some medi-gel on it." Shepard began digging through the debris around her, looking for the bag that had been slung across the back of her wheelchair.

"You carry medi-gel? Why am I not surprised."

"You don't carry it?"

"Not off duty."

"I tend to always find myself on duty somehow."

After finding the bag and rummaging through it, she came up with one pack of medi-gel.

"That's not going to do it," Colby said as he tried to check out his wound.

"Nope," Shepard confirmed. Once they pulled out the piece, there'd be a lot of bleeding, and one medi-gel just wasn't going to cut it. She began coughing, and Colby followed suit, bloody spittle spraying his hand.

"That's not good."

"No, it's not. We need to get out of here," Shepard got out between coughing fits.

"…sure… first responders… soon," Colby wheezed in response.

"Not fast enough." Shepard returned to her bag and whipped out her omnitool. It looked like it had been damaged in the blast. She struggled to get it to turn on. "Oh, come on."

"Dialing 911?"

"As if they aren't already on the way. This place just exploded. There we go!" With that, the omniblade extended from her tool. It was flickering, but it was there. "Take it."

"But… why?

"You know. Do it." She pointed to her leg.

"No," he coughed out, trying to retract the blade.

"Just do it!"

Colby undid his belt and pulled it tight just above where Shepard's leg disappeared under the chunk of concrete.

"Don't worry, I won't feel a…"

The blade came down, and there was a sickening sound. Though it was a clean cut, Shepard noticed that Colby had to saw a little. She wasn't looking, but she could see the tension in Colby's jaw. His face became increasingly pale and his hands shook, but the deed was done. Shepard was still conscious, and though the wound was obviously bleeding, she didn't feel like she was going to die right at that second.

"Do you want me to cauterize the wound? I could get some fire…"

"No, no, no. Don't want to kill tissue that Miranda could work with. And no time. Can you lift me? I don't really feel like asphyxiating… again."

"Okay, I'm going to try picking you up."

With that, Colby lifted her up and almost stumbled, but he carried her out to safety. Emergency personnel were arriving, and gawkers began taking photos and video of an injured Shepard once again emerging from disaster.

* * *

"Welcome home," Admiral Hackett greeted Kaidan as soon as the crew exited the jet bridge. Though they had been hesitant about landing on Earth, the Alliance had sent a scout to check them out and lead them back to the newly rebuilt base in the Vancouver area. "Haven't heard from you in over a year. We feared the worst, but a few days ago we got a message that you were slowly making your way home."

"It's good to see you, sir," Kaidan replied with a salute.

"No need for that, son." Hackett extended a hand to him and gave a warm, vigorous handshake. "Good to have you back. Now, we'll let you have a hot meal, get cleaned up, and rest, and then we'll start discussing the trek the _Normandy_ has been on."

"That sounds good to me. Can we hear what's been going on while we were gone? How is Shepard doing?"

"We can talk about everything once you've all settled in."

"I understand, sir, but we've come a really long way, and we'd all like to know how our friends and family are doing."

"Major," Hackett sighed. "I don't know what to tell you. Miranda can probably give you a better breakdown of Shepard's condition. And I know your father was on the list of the missing, and I haven't heard any updates about that recently."

"No word from my dad… well, I'd like to call my mother when you let us have a moment. As for Shepard, I already know she's paralyzed."

"Yes, she was."

"Is she taking it well? Wait, was?"

"Was. Not anymore, from what I hear. You'll need to discuss it with Miranda, so as soon as we're done with everything here, you should stop by the hospital. Might be a little crazy, it's only been a week since the bombing and a lot of people are still there."

"What bombing?"

"Alenko, all answers in due time. I've bent the rules for the two of you plenty of times, but please let us get through this proper procedure first, and everyone can be on their way."

"Yes, sir."


	12. Hello Again

Waking up in a stupor with Miranda's face staring down at her and monitors beeping was starting to become a habit for Shepard.

Shepard touched her mouth lightly and didn't find a tube or anything there, so she carefully pried apart her parched lips. "Miranda."

"Shepard. Nice to see you awake." Miranda smiled, an unusual sight for Shepard to see when waking up from a medically induced coma. When Miranda and Jacob had led Shepard off of the space station after bringing her back from the dead, Miranda seemed panicked and disoriented. The Miranda she saw after gaining consciousness in the hospital after London was concerned, calm, and a bit guilty. This one was smiling.

"What's up? You're… smiling," Shepard croaked.

"Is it a crime to be satisfied when your friend is recovering and not deceased? Especially after they've been in your care?" Miranda replied as she wandered toward the foot of the bed.

"My leg?"

"Thought that would d be one of your first questions."

Miranda pulled up the bottom of the blanket covering Shepard's legs. Shepard didn't want to look. If there was a jagged stump, it would surely mean that even with Miranda's procedure on her spine, she wouldn't be able to walk the same way she had before. Who the hell had done this? She was going to find out. Apparently, there was just never a break in life for Commander Shepard.

A deep breath, and she glanced down. Sure enough, the leg below her knee wasn't there. The site of the impromptu amputation was bandaged, but showed no signs of infection. Protruding from what remained of her leg was a mechanical limb made of shining metal. It didn't look like a real lower leg. It was all metal wires, tubes, and other pieces forming a thin shaft for what used to be her two leg bones and a complicated joint for her former ankle. Her new foot was blocky, but seemed to have some type of moveable toes. She was pleased to see that she had been outfitted with a bionic prosthesis. Shepard went to wiggle her new toes, but stopped when she remembered her paralysis. It was then that she noticed that her other foot was starting to feel cold, and she felt a lightness from the blanket's absent weight.

"What did you do, Miranda Lawson?" Shepard asked in awe.

"You might not know this, but you've been out for two weeks. When you first came to the hospital, we focused on cleaning up the wound. Luckily, you had no other major injuries, just a few fractures, lacerations, and contusions. Nothing I haven't seen you with before. After that, I was able to outfit you with a cybernetic leg by connecting it your existing implants and doing some other work. Then came three spinal cord surgeries, and one to place receptors in your brain. You're still in the middle of stem cell therapy, and you have more surgeries and a lot of physical therapy on the horizon, but as you've already noticed, everything's starting to fall into place. Within a year, you should be able to recover most of the feeling and mobility of your lower body."

Miranda was beaming at her, probably awaiting Shepard's jovial reaction. Shepard simply stared at her.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Miranda asked, confused and quickly deflating.

"You've crammed all of this in two weeks. Wasn't I in an explosion? What about all of those people? Did you help them? I was fine."

"You weren't entirely fine. I don't call anyone missing an extremity and bleeding out 'fine.' For once, I wanted you to wake up and be happy. You're my friend, you're Commander Shepard. It was already scheduled, no reason to delay it. You deserve this."

"That's where you're wrong. I don't deserve this. Don't get me wrong, what you've done is incredible. But is everyone else okay? I'm sure this place must be overflowing with casualties."

"Unfortunately, that's not the case. The blast was contained within the building, with only several bystanders on the street suffering minor injuries. There weren't that many people inside… and most of them didn't have a heartbeat when they arrived here."

Shepard turned away. She knew somehow she was the reason for all of this. More lives lost because of her. "You could have saved them."

"No, I couldn't have. It doesn't work like that."

Shepard bit her lip hard to keep herself steady and contain her emotion. "What was it? Who was behind it?"

"It was an explosive device laced with eezo for an extra punch. Made a massive reaction. There should be no lasting effects from the exposure to the eezo, there wasn't much left after the blast. As for who did it, they're still investigating."

"But it was someone trying to kill me, right?"

Now it was Miranda's turn to look away. "That's the current theory."

Both women remained quiet until Miranda pulled the blanket away completely and brought a wheelchair over to her.

"You can brood about this if you want. However, I know a couple of people who would be thrilled to see you after we've run through some tests- if you're up to it, of course. There' s one gentleman in particular who has been asking about you."

"Who?"

"Lieutenant Colby."

* * *

Shepard was wheeled onto a different floor- the burn unit, to be exact. Colby was sitting by the window, his body hunched over in the flimsy chair.

"Hi there, Lieutenant Colby, brought you a visitor," Miranda announced.

Colby glanced over at them. That's when Shepard saw that more than half of his head was covered in bandages. Apparently, his wounds had not fully healed. Colby smiled at them before wincing, and then he tried to rub the area around his mouth.

"Do not touch, please. Colby is awaiting a skin graft, and later I'll be doing some regeneration therapy similar to what you underwent after the SR-1. Helps smooth out any imperfections the graft leaves behind," Miranda informed Shepard. "And then we can go ahead and start something like that on your leg, Shepard."

"I'm fine without it. I mean, it doesn't look like Colby's face," Shepard joke, grimacing at how stupid she sounded. Colby gave a light guffaw.

"Alright. I'll leave you two to catch up. As soon as either of you become tired, please call a nurse so that Shepard may be escorted back to her room. Thank you."

The two of them were left all alone. Shepard pushed herself over to Colby.

"Want to check out my shiny new leg?"

Colby gave her a look.

"No? What, you feel bad about it or something?" Shepard continued.

"No. You're alive, and you told me to."

Shepard stuck out her bionic prosthesis to show it off to Colby. "I think it might just be sexier than before," she deadpanned.

"You moved your leg."

"Yup. A cool trick of Miranda's. They went through with my surgeries and everything."

"Congrats."

"Thanks."

Both stared out the window at the Vancouver skyline. Shepard didn't know what to say, so she jumped to a topic she always could lean back on: taking down the enemy.

"Do you know who did it?"

"I probably don't know much more than you. Been here the whole time, a few visitors, but none willing to tell me anything. I'm sure the list of suspects is long, though."

"Should have brought Norven. If I had…"

"You can't think like that," Colby interrupted. "We've been to that place before. All someone had to do was plant it and wait until they saw us and detonate it. Someone's been tracking you, and none of us caught on."

Shepard rubbed her face, trying to wipe away the guilt that kept piling on her. "I should've seen this coming. I wish I could be out there trying to find the people behind this, but it sounds like we're both going to be here a while, me especially," she sighed.

"Yeah, seems like it," Colby smiled sadly.

"Thank you for getting me out of there. And for everything."

"Don't worry about it. It was my job as your guard, and it's now my job as your friend."

Another moment of silence fell upon them, and Shepard struggled to get out what she wanted to say.

"It's just I've been through so much shit, you know? And it doesn't stop. Not now, not ever. And I lost pretty much anyone who made things okay. With this attack and everything, half of me feels like the universe wants me dead, and I want it, too. The other half of me still sees a future, a time when things might be okay, but I'm always getting pulled into the past."

"So move on. Leave it all behind."

Shepard laughed dryly. "You don't know what I've done."

"I don't need to. I see who you are as a person. I don't think you would do anything wrong if it didn't lead back to the right reason."

"Maybe." Shepard reached out her hand and took one of Colby's in her own. "Thanks for the pep talk. And don't worry, I'm sure Miranda will make your face pretty again."

"Pretty? What, not handsome? Manly and good-looking?

"Fine! She'll make your face handsome, and rugged, and tough, and manly, just as it always was."

Before Colby could react, Shepard had stealthily leant forward and gently pressed her chapped lips against his before pulling back just a little. With a slightly concerned look on his face, Colby tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"What was that for?" he asked quietly.

"That's for being someone who keeps me looking forward to the future."

* * *

It was two weeks later – a day she'd never forget. Shepard was fussing with her hair while standing in front of a mirror in her hospital room. She wasn't supposed to be exerting herself, but standing up for a minute or two while in close proximity to something she could hold onto was doable. Her hair had grown down to her shoulders since London, but the blast had burnt some of it, so now she was back to rocking a crop cut. Colby was going to stop by later. He'd left the hospital already after a skin graft and regeneration therapy. Colby looked the same as before, expect now there were a few new scars that he didn't want to bother erasing.

She was still playing with a cowlick on her head when she heard a knock on the doorframe. "You're here early," she answered, giving the mirror one last glance as she finally tamed the unruly stand.

"Huh. I'm pretty sure I'm late."

Shepard stilled and slowly turned around. "Kaidan."

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan greeted her, his voice raspy and filled with emotion.

As he approached her, Shepard's heart was pounding in her chest, and without even realizing it, her legs started to give out. She tried to grab the edge of the hospital bed, but there was no doubt about it: she was going down. Before she made contact with the floor, Kaidan was there, catching her in his arms and helping her to rise back up.

"Sorry. Maybe I should have called before I came over," Kaidan apologized quietly as he led her back onto the bed.

"No, no, no," was all Shepard could say. She was genuinely speechless. Shepard had dreamt about this moment in the past. She would see him as he disembarked from the Normandy _,_ and their eyes would meet. Both would rush toward the other, and they'd passionately embrace, whispering about how much they missed each other and nothing was going to ever come between them again. In actuality, their reunion was starting to become a more awkward affair.

Shepard hadn't seen Kaidan in over a year. There were more wisps of silver throughout his hair, and there were definitely more wrinkles. Kaidan had lost that muscular bulk that he'd built up in training while Shepard was on the SR-2 and awaiting trial. She couldn't imagine how she looked in his eyes. Shepard was certainly thinner and less muscular, but there was also the matter of her cybernetic leg and scars covering her face and body. Her hair was an uneven mess, and she was starting to sport a few wiry white hairs of her own. Physically, they were obviously different from the way they were when they had parted. Time had also caused Shepard to change as a person. She felt oddly distant in this moment. Seeing Kaidan again was like greeting an acquaintance.

"I missed you," Kaidan sighed, bowing to place his forehead against hers.

"I missed you," she replied automatically. "I thought you were dead," she blurted out before she could stop herself.

Kaidan merely chuckled and smiled. "I thought you were, too, but I was able to eventually get some news about everything that happened. God, I couldn't wait to get here. How are you doing? Miranda was able to give me some info about what you've been going through."

"I'm fine. I mean, I wasn't, but then I was okay with it, and now I'm getting back to normal, I guess. Well, not really."

"I thought the procedures were successful and…"

"Yeah, yeah, they worked, I'm just stuck here."

"It takes time, Shepard. The good news is that I can be stuck here with you. I heard that you left the Alliance and have a medical leave of absence from the council? I can't believe you're even on the council. Anyway, I put in my retirement, too. I'm still a Spectre, but going to take a break."

"You definitely deserve it."

"Yeah." Kaidan held her face in his hands, his eyes still glued to her in amazement and reverence. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."

"Too long for what?"

"It's one of the last things you said to me."

"That's right."

"And now I can hold you again." Kaidan kissed her delicately, like he was afraid she would break right before him. Shepard's eyes started to water. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Kaidan asked, his voice instantly taking on a note of concern.

"I'm fine. It's just everything," she answered succinctly. Kaidan's thumb wiped away a tear that formed and started to find its way down her cheek.

"It's okay, it's finally over," Kaidan tried to calm her. "Now we can start our future."


	13. Distance

Colby never did show up at the hospital. At first, it was a relief. No awkward interactions or explanations required. However, soon Shepard felt a gnawing in her gut. Why didn't he come to see her? He must've heard about the Normandy's return. Had he backed off so her former crew could fill in the space that he had temporally filled in her life? They had been friends, and now they were nothing. No calls, no messages. It bothered her how quickly it had changed.

Meanwhile, Shepard had adjusted to Kaidan's presence. His kisses now brought a familiar sense of comfort.

"I kissed someone," Shepard confessed, pausing to wait for a reply from Kaidan, but one didn't come. She peered at him as he continued to grill the steaks. Finally, he glanced up at her.

"Okay."

"Okay?" She was flabbergasted and somehow annoyed by his nonchalant response. She shouldn't have been, of course. Kaidan was definitely an even-tempered man. Some immature part of her wanted him to be jealous and to act like a possessive high school boyfriend.

"Are you in a relationship?" he asked quietly.

"No!" she sputtered, an honest gut reaction.

"Do you love him? Or her?"

"No. No, I don't think so," Shepard whispered, starting to regret ever bringing up the subject. Instead of relieving her guilt, she felt even worse.

"Well then, I wish you would've had faith in me coming back, but I understand. You thought I was dead. You had the right to move on. Although I might not personally like the thought of it, I can't have a problem with that. The most important question is do you still want this? Us?"

Shepard stalled, pulling at a thread on her hoodie sleeve. "Do you want us?"

At that, Kaidan put down his hands on the counter in frustration. "Of course I do. Why else would I have tried to make things right between us after the Reapers hit? I love you. You were all I thought about while I was out there."

"You don't have a future with me."

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan snapped. His cool, collected demeanor was slowly breaking down at Shepard's revelations and cynicism.

"You want the white picket fence, the cute little house. Everything. Kids," she whispered.

"We've talked about this before. I don't care about the house or the kids. I just want to be with you."

It was exactly had Kaidan had told Shepard in bed on the SR-2 shortly after reconciling. Miranda had told her that childbirth was most likely not in her future after being resurrected. The genetic material had probably degraded during her death, or something to that effect. The cybernetics would greatly lower the chance of successfully conceiving a baby and carrying to term, and who knows how the kid would turn out. Though it wasn't the best news she'd ever received, it wasn't the shocking blow that Miranda expected it to be. Kids were never on Shepard's radar. Sure, the biological clock had been ticking, but being a soldier was all she ever wanted. She figured motherhood and being out the on the battlefield were incompatible. However, Shepard realized that Kaidan might be disappointed. He too hadn't thought children were in his future. After what happened with Rahna, he wasn't sure that he would ever get married or settle down. He also didn't want any child of his to suffer as a biotic like he had.

Kaidan and Shepard had danced around the k-word during a few conversations on the SR-1, and despite the comments he had made, Shepard could see it in his eyes that he was hopeful for a family. She saw it every time they happened to save a family or run into a lost and scared kid. So when Shepard and Kaidan had gotten back together, she decided to break her status to him as gently and nonchalantly as possible. He took it well, saying he hadn't assumed anything, but that he was sorry for her if she was sorry. She wasn't really, but when he said that, the image of the boy she tried to save in Vancouver and haunted her dreams popped into her mind. However, the conversation ended, and she abruptly erased the boy's face from the forefront of her thoughts. When Shepard thought of the future with Kaidan, she pictured the two of them saving the galaxy as Spectres, taking down criminals as a badass law enforcement duo. They'd also maintain their status as leaders in the Alliance, and hopefully they would be stationed on the Normandy. Yet there was this nagging feeling that maybe it wasn't enough, and she attributed it to the fact that despite his statements to the contrary, Kaidan would be unhappy with her.

So as Kaidan once again told her that the only thing that mattered was her, she believed that he truly felt that way. However, she wasn't going to let him sacrifice any dream of his for her. Beating the Reapers meant that everyone could now live out their lives without fear. It should be a time of achieving everything you want, not making more sacrifices.

"You say that now, but are you going to have no regrets when we're out in the field 10 years from now, doing the same thing day to day?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Wait- what are you talking about? After all of this, you want to go back to the Alliance? I support you if you're capable, but I don't want to stand by while you run yourself further into the ground. And I'm not going back to the Alliance. Hell, I might not go back to being a Spectre. I laid out everything on the table in the war. We did what we set out to do, and I'm not some young guy anymore. I'm tired. I want to kick back on that patio with a beer and watch the sunset. I'm not going to make any rash decisions at the moment, but that's where I'm at. In the meanwhile, I'm going to my parents' orchard to see if they're okay. If you're okay with it."

Shepard bit her lip as she thought over what he said. "You're leaving?" Suddenly, she was overcome with anxiety.

"If you want me to. If you're fine with it," Kaidan sighed.

Her nerves became steel as she felt anger start to wash over her."What about the bombing? You're not going to be a part on the investigation?"

"I'm sure they can handle it without me. There are good people who can get the job done."

"You don't care about all of those people who got killed or hurt? You don't care that whoever did this is still out there." Shepard's tone went from questioning to indignant.

"Of course I care!" Kaidan snapped angrily. After a pause, his voice dropped lower."They hurt you. But I need to see if my family is alive."

"Shit, I'm sorry," Shepard apologized belatedly. Her chest tightened at Kaidan's show of vulnerability. She had been an idiot. Of course Kaidan should go see his parents. He'd been lost out there, and then he spent his only time back at her bedside, still not knowing whatever had happened to his family. "You should definitely go up there. I wish I could help you."

"I don't if that's a good idea," Kaidan replied softly, gesturing at her legs. "Plus, I'm not certain you want me around right now."

Shepard couldn't look him in the eyes, instead choosing to glance down. "I hope your mom and dad are okay." All of her fire was gone, replaced by a kind of mournful tranquility.

"Me, too." Now he was the one who couldn't take Shepard's sincere look, deciding to resume his work with dinner. The air was smoky from the still-grilling steaks. He cursed under his breath as he removed the overcooked meat. "I think I'm going to leave tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

Shepard moved towards him and began plating the salad. She carefully braced herself against the countertop as they worked in silence.

"I think when I'm gone, you should take the time to think about our relationship. If you want one, that is," Kaidan spoke after a while.

"So you want a break," Shepard stated bluntly.

"It looks like that's what we need. I don't want it, but I don't honestly know what to do at this point. I was ready to commit to our love, and you don't seem enthusiastic about committing to anything."

Shepard abruptly dropped her hands from what she was working on. "I can't commit to anything? I was committed to saving all of us, and I'm still committed to Earth, the galaxy, to helping people!"

"You know what I mean," he sighed. "While I'm away… just do what you need to do."

"What are you talking about?"

"Feel free to see other people."

"What?" Shepard was startled. She hadn't imagined any sort of other romantic relationships. Sure, she had kissed Colby, but things had changed. Mentally that door had closed as soon as Kaidan had appeared. What if Kaidan met someone else, someone who was better than her?

"Maybe that's you need to sort out your feelings on everything. When you died, I was living underwater, the grief constantly weighing on me. I wasn't able to function. Eventually, things got better, and I went on that date with the doctor. You know how that turned out, but I left feeling more in love with you and knowing what kind of woman I wanted in the future. I was more focused on living than mourning after."

"What does that have to do us right now?"

"The point is that I want you to have the freedom to get your affairs in order. When you came back, I shut you down. Hoizon, Mars, the Citadel. You forgave me for everything. I didn't trust you. You let me work things out for myself. You didn't push me away. I made big mistakes back then, and I'm not repeating them now. If it is meant to be, it will be. But for now, I'm going to give you the reins. It's only fair."

Shepard stuffed some of the salad in her mouth. Her eyes watered a bit. Whether it was because she started choking on her food or his words had gotten to her, she didn't know.

"Whoa, careful there," Kaidan put down his plate of food so he could place his hands on her shoulders, ready to step in if she required it.

"Uh huh," Shepard awkwardly gulped her food down. After a few rough coughs and some deep breaths, she was finally able to get out what she wanted to say. "You're being too nice to me. You didn't deserve to return to this."

Kaidan didn't have anything to say back. His arms lowered around her waist, and she instinctively molded herself to him.

"You have to message me all the time. Promise."

"Of course I will, Shepard- as long as you promise to do the same."

"I will." Shepard pressed her face into his sweater, a lame attempt at wiping away the residual tears and the slight wetness at the tip of her nose. It was comforting to be held in his arms. She reveled in the warmth. However, his imminent departure still had her blood running cold. Shepard knew there were problems, but how had it come to this?


	14. Another Drink

Therapy. More and more therapy, with a surgery thrown in now and then just for kicks. That was all Shepard had to look forward to these days. The monotony was starting to drive her crazy, but hey, at least she was making huge progress physically. Walking was nearly a piece of cake, although running and endurance were problematic. Miranda had remained at her side for the first few weeks, but she was gone again. Miranda hadn't mentioned Alenko's sudden disappearance or her other patient's- Colby's- progress, and Shepard didn't ask. She didn't want to talk about it, and her facial expressions tended to ward off anybody from approaching her. Deep purple circles ringed her eyes. She had stopped dying her hair, her trademark fiery hue receding to reveal silvery roots brought on by years of immense stress. Turns out you could bring someone back from the dead, but you couldn't stop aging.

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged messages almost daily. Most were text, not video. He told her about the progress in the search for his parents. He had flown to the orchard, but there was no sign of them on the property when he arrived. The house appeared to have been ransacked. Kaidan spent each day cleaning up and fanning out into the surrounding area, hoping to find information on his parents' whereabouts. It had been more than a year since anyone had last heard from them.

_Shep-_

_Went north again today. Stopped by the old mechanics shop that I used to work at during the summer. I guess they haven't seen my dad in years._

_It's hard to have faith when everything leads to a dead end._

_Hope you had a better day._

_Kaidan_

_Kaidan,_

_My day was just peachy. Miranda's taken off again. This will allow me to sink further into becoming a hermit. Haha. Can't sleep at night lately, but trying my best. It helps when I imagine hearing you ordering me around, all concerned, and then I pick myself up and decide to finally eat something._

_You're not allowed to lose faith. That's a command. Yeah, you outrank me, but let's ignore that._

_You'll find something. People don't just disappear without a trace._

_Thinking of you,_

_S_

Even though she couldn't be with him, Shepard tried to be Kaidan's rock as he started to lose hope that he would ever finds his family. She struggled to remember to not end her letters with " _Love, S_."

She really was becoming a bit of a hermit. Her muscles ached from her daily physical therapy and the latest surgery she'd undergone. Shepard kept to herself within the indoor facility because 1) she was still figuring out her legs and 2) Diana Allers' documentary _SR-2_. The footage Diana Allers had recorded during the war had been compiled into an extremely popular series. If saving the galaxy and the recent bombing hadn't already put Shepard in the spotlight, well, she definitely was now. Always uncomfortable with fame, the confines of her room were her favorite thing at the moment. The one thing she absolutely didn't want on the vidscreen was Allers' piece. Shepard lived through it. She definitely didn't need to relive it. However, she was pleased for Diana. They had met briefly weeks ago, and Shepard had given her the go-ahead to put everything together and make something of it. Her crew deserved to have their story be told and be honored.

The last episode in the series caught Shepard's eye one night. "The Return," it was titled. Against her better judgment, she settled in to watch it with a beer in hand. Curiosity got the best of her. It certainly did.

Seeing everything that happened in her absence was an overwhelming experience. Her heart swelled with pride as the crew overcame every obstacle. Shepard shed a tear when Joker discussed EDI. The reason for her sudden death, and the shutdown of the geth, was something that Shepard hadn't revealed to anyone. Joker and Shepard hadn't spoken much since the Normandy returned, mostly because she dreaded having any conversation about EDI with him. Shepard saw Tali and Garrus wave goodbye as the ship took off, and she felt a renewed since of lost. Garrus was her bro, and Tali had been the geeky sister she'd never had. Of course, the real killer of the episode was seeing Kaidan.

" _I understand that the Normandy evacuated Earth during the battle at London, leaving behind Commander Shepard. Was that a challenging decision? And do you believe that Commander Shepard is alive?"_

_"It wasn't a decision I had control over. We received orders, and we followed through with them. Joker did what he was told and what was best for the safety of the Normandy. We wouldn't be sitting here talking if he had hesitated or made one wrong move."_

_"I see. And what about Commander Shepard?"_

_"Whatever she did, it obviously worked. From what we've heard, the Reapers are dead. So she must have been alive in order to end the war. So I think there's a good chance she's alive now if she was able to make it to that point."_

_"That is a logical conclusion, yet the crew seems to feel otherwise."_

_"We took a lot of hard hits on the ground. They might doubt her survival, but I've worked with her for a while now, and I know she's the toughest solider around. Or maybe I'm being naive, and they're right. Who knows? That's the point. Nobody can say anything definite just yet, so I'm keeping the faith alive."_

_"It's clear to everyone that the commander is a close personal friend of yours. What would you say to her if she could hear you right now?"_

_"… I would just tell her that we're coming home as fast as we can. That we're all proud of her. If she's hurt, I'd want her to be strong. And the whole crew misses her."_

Shepard knew Kaidan was dodging any sort of question that could implicate them, but his eyes said it all. Later, he told the camera about the news he had received about her survival and serious injury, voice steady but with glassy eyes. Kaidan sat at her cabin desk, all of her belongings kept respectfully in place, but with an old photograph of her in the frame that once held his.

Deep breath. Deep breath.

"Shit," Shepard muttered, taking a swig of beer. The alcohol and everything onscreen were taking her to place she didn't want to go. Shepard was trying very, very hard to not pick up her omnitool and message Kaidan. She wasn't in the best mindset for putting together a composed message, and speaking to him late at night and out of the blue probably broke some sort of unspoken rule for relationships on a break. Yet that didn't stop her from bringing his contact info up. Before Shepard could do anything, she flung her omnitool into a chair with the last bit of self-control she had.

"Arggggghhhhh. No," she commanded herself. Another slosh of beer, some down her throat and some spilling down her front. She used the edge of her sleeve to clean up the mess. Turning off the vidscreen, Shepard closed her eyes and held the cool glass bottle to her forehead. "I need something stronger."

Avoiding toppling out of bed, Shepard managed to snatch her omnitool back up from the chair. Now was not the best time to be alone, so she mentally scrolled through her list of potential drinking buddies. _Liara?_ Would disapprove and try to get her to spill her heart out on the table. _Joker?_ Out of the fucking question. _Colby?_ Fuck no. Miranda, Jack, Tali, and Garrus were not viable options, obviously. That left one choice, and thankfully, it was actually the best one: Lieutenant James Vega.

Thirty minutes and one short cab ride later, she was parked at the bar at Vega's favorite Vancouver watering hole, a place called Cactus Joe's. It was the type of bar Shepard appreciated: dark, somewhat dingy, and not too crowded. The randomly placed cacti and sombreros pinned to the wall gave it a fake Mexican vibe, but Vega swore the tequilas were nearly as good as the selection he could get back at home in San Diego. Despite her dislike of tequila, she decided to partake to please him. He'd been quite willing to come and join her for a few drinks because he was leaving for N7 training in a week and wouldn't get to see her again. However, Vega's eyes were currently glued to a waitress's ass, which was barely covered by her denim cutoffs.

"Hey, hey, Vega," Shepard slurred slightly, pleasantly drunk but currently annoyed. She waved her hand in front of his face. "Eyes off the girl."

"What?" Vega replied distractedly before returning his attention to her. "Can't blame a guy for looking."

"Uh huh. But tonight's mission priority is supposed to be to keep me occupied, not yourself."

"Alright, Lola. So, back to you. I heard the major's out looking for his family. You missing him or something?"

Shepard narrowed her eyes at him. "We're on a break."

"No shit? Wow. Thought you guys were gonna get married or somethin' right away," Vega exclaimed, clearly shocked.

"Married?" Shepard rolled her eyes.

"Well, yeah. I'm sorry, commander," he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder before awkward pulling away, realizing he was trying to comfort the famous "fire-haired ice queen."

"Don't be. It's on me."

"What did you do?"

Shepard pondered about how to explain it. James stared intently at her. She finally just laughed bitterly. "Who cares?"

James appeared as if he was mulling over whether to press further, but he merely nodded his head. "Okay."

"Good, good. Another one of these, por favor," she addressed the bartender, shaking her empty shot glass at him.

"Coming right up."

"Grazie!" She slammed her glass back down, drawing the attention of a few patrons around her. She sent a death glare their way.

"I'm pretty sure that's Italian," Vega whispered.

Shepard wrinkled her nose. "I said gracias."

"You said grazie."

She shrugged, laughing. "Oopsies."

"Oopsies? You gone off your rocker." Vega got the bartender's attention and drew his hand across his neck, signaling to him that it was time to cut Shepard off.

"I saw that!" Shepard shoved Vega, and he bounced off of the guy sitting next to him.

"Calm down, loca!"

"Hmph." Disappointed that no more drinks were coming her way, she laid her head on the counter, not caring that it was sticky, and started playing with some beer caps. "You heard anything about the investigation?"

"The investigation of the bombing? No. Alliance and them are keeping the case sealed tight. Nothing's leaked."

"Yeah, I figured," she sighed. "You know what? I'm going to miss you, James."

"Gonna miss you, too."

"You're going to be great."

"Thanks. That means a lot."

"You're going to love Rio. Love it!" Shepard broke into a big grin. "Lots of chicks there. And dicks, too, if that's more your speed."

"Shut it, Lola. You know I've only got eyes for you," Vega flipped into their usual joking flirtation.

"You can't handle this," Shepard volleyed back.

"I think you might be right on that one."

Shepard smiled slyly, but it quickly faded. Vega finished his drink and led her outside. He hailed a cab for her and threatened a passerby that was looking at her funny, and then he helped her get situated in the backseat of the cab. He paused suddenly.

"Hey Shepard, did ya know I thought the major might've been hooking up with Allers on the way back?"

"What?" Shepard was confused and immediately concerned.

"Don't worry, he wasn't. He was working on interviews and stuff, making friends. What you saw on the show tonight? I'm pretty sure everything he said and did was real. That guy was suffering. He really loves you. If you feel the same way, I hope you guys can work it out." Vega rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously.

Shepard buckled herself in without looking at Vega. "Yeah, we'll see."

He nodded and shut the door. She rolled down the window as he started to back away from the cab.

"Hey, Vega!

"Yeah?"

"Don't do anything I would do!"

"Why's that?"

"You'll get yourself killed!"

"Real funny, Lola!"

With that, Shepard rolled up the window, and the cab drove away from her chuckling former crewmate. The car was silent, no music playing in the background. She closed her eyes and thought about dozing off for a second, but she reached for her omnitool instead.

_I saw the show tonight. Miss you._


	15. Late Coversations

Just a few blocks before the cab reached her place, a quick word with the taxi driver had her rerouted to the front door of Liara's office building in the wee hours of the morning. The brief drive over had given her a little time to sober up; any drunken sense of bittersweet bliss had evaporated, leaving her heart empty. At the same time, her mind was racing. The first person she had thought of talking to was Liara, and despite the unlikelihood of her being in her temporary office, Shepard decided to give it a go. After all, Liara had been there for her all of those nights after leaving Mars, when Shepard would wake up drenched in sweat, the nightmare of the boy replaying through her mind.

She made her way into the building, pleased to find the door unlocked and in no need of hacking, and rapped her fist against Liara's door. Not hearing a response, Shepard paused, but to her surprise, Liara opened the door and appeared before her, looking ready to attack.

"Goddess! Shepard, what are you doing here?" Liara gave her a quick glance over, letting the biotic flare in her palm die. "I thought-"

"Hi, Liara," Shepard interrupted her, going in for a hug. Liara stiffened and held Shepard loosely in her arms. Shepard wasn't one for friendly displays of affection, but the drink in her made her warmer. After an awkward silence, Liara pulled away.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Liara frowned, her hands still on Shepard's arms.

"Yeah, yeah." She shrugged. "I was out with James, getting in quick hangout session before he leaves for Rio. And then I didn't want to go home."

"Alright, well, I am pleased to see you." Liara gestured for Shepard to enter her minimalist office space, and the two walked in.

"Didn't know if you'd be here so late," Shepard remarked, playing with some of the archaeological tchotchkes on Liara's desk. Shepard definitely had a penchant for nervously fidgeting with things, and Liara swooped in to firmly press her hand on Shepard's, stopping her from potentially damaging priceless artifacts.

"No rest for the Shadow Broker."

"I thought you were going to give that up?"

"My work here is not done," Liara exhaled, replying as she took a seat at her desk. Shepard sighed and threw herself across the small, stiff couch. Even though the war was over, she was still extremely busy, either with her continuing Shadow Broker activities, her fascination with Earth archaeology, or trying to help Thessia from afar.

"So have you looked into it?" Shepard asked after a moment.

"Have I looked into what?" Liara appeared confused.

"Into the attack."

"Oh, of course, I apologize." Liara smiled, but her smile quickly turned into a frown. "I haven't found much."

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"There are some leads. The problem is, Shepard, that many people want to harm you. It's proven difficult to narrow down the suspects."

"Okay, then. Let's do this." Shepard stood up as fast as she could with her still adjusting bionic legs and picked up a white marker from Liara's desk. She made her way to the transparent glass wall in the office. Shepard wrote and underlined _BAD GUYS._

"Give them to me, Liara."

"First, there is Cerberus to contend with. Although the Illusive Man is no more, there remain pro-human, anti-alien extremists and ex-Cerberus members. Obviously, their reasoning would be that you united aliens and humans, and you fought against Cerberus. And the relays are still not operating properly, leaving many aliens on a planet formerly occupied solely by humans."

"Ugh, Cerberus. I don't miss running into them." Shepard wrote _EX-CEREBERUS_ underneath the title of the little list she was making. "Next."

"Second, there are the batarians. Many remain upset about your role in destruction of the Bahak system."

"Can't blame them completely, but I had to do it." _BATARIANS_ was scribbled on the wall.

"The defeat of the Reapers also corresponded with the relays ceasing to operate and the shutdown of the geth and advanced artificial intelligence. The firing of the Crucible is believed to have caused this as a sort of side effect from disabling the Reapers. Naturally, as you are the one who activated the device, some hold you responsible for these technological setbacks and elimination of the geth."

"I'm sure a few quarians are actually happy about that," Shepard muttered. "What am I supposed to write for that?"

"Conspiracy theorists… Crucible conspiracy theorists?" Liara proposed.

"Conspiracy theorists, eh?" Shepard sighed.

"Because it is an unlikely theory, correct? Correlation does not necessarily mean causation."

"Right." Shepard hadn't shared her final moments of the war with anyone yet, afraid of the repercussions. She could finally break down and spill it out to Liara, God knows it was a constant weight that she was ready to free herself from… but the words wouldn't come out. _CONSPIRACY THEORISTS_ went up.

Liara went on and on, listing the names of the many enemies who might hold a grudge against Shepard. Eventually, a hand cramp seized her, and she groaned audibly, slamming her fist against the glass in frustration.

"We're never going to figure this out, are we?" Shepard whispered to herself.

Liara moved closer to her and placed her hand gently on Shepard's arm. "Perhaps you need reminding… we have faced much greater obstacles before. I will help you in whatever way I can until we identify the culprit."

"You will? You'll stay?"

Liara frowned slightly. "Why would I not?"

Shepard gave a bitter laugh. "Everyone else is taking off these days. Figured you'd be heading out on one of the transports to Thessia one of these days."

"No. I do want to go to Thessia, but there is unfinished business remaining, like yours."

Shepard nodded. "Thank you. It means a lot." She took in a deep breath. "It's just… I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I really don't. Back then, I had one mission. Sure, it wasn't a straight path, but I knew the goal. Now, I guess finding these people after me is my objective."

"Do you always need a greater objective?" Liara asked softly.

Shepard's face twisted, remembering her discussions with Kaidan. "No. Yes. I don't know."

"Well, perhaps, when this latest objective is over, things will be different."

"I hope so," Shepard whispered to herself as she aggressively rubbed her eyes, subconsciously trying to wipe away her problems."I want to move on sometimes, but I can't."

"I'm sorry to see many of the Normandy members go, and I know the transition out of the military into civilian life has been difficult, let alone your injuries... obviously, time is needed."

Shepard nodded. "I know. Nights when I'm alone though, I think about what happened on the Citadel. In London."

"You remember?" Liara asked, with no tone of surprise in her voice.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I know you probably know something. You always piece together things. That's who you are."

Liara smiled shyly, seemingly pleased by Shepard's complimentary words about her sleuthing skills. "I have guesses. But only you know the truth, I suppose. Do you want to tell me?"

"No, I don't want to tell anybody. I haven't. But I suppose I better. Might not want to include this in my biography, though."

And Shepard had told her. Not every single detail, of course, but the main events that had transpired. Some of the weight lifted off her chest - not all of it - but enough to give her some peace of mind. As Shepard leaned against the desk, Liara came over and wrapped Shepard in her arms, her eyes wet with unshed tears. She was also a bit awkward when it came to social interactions, but Shepard's confession had apparently moved her.

"Thank you for telling me, Shepard." Liara whispered.

"You're welcome - you get to share the secret of a mass murderer!" Shepard joked, bitterness seeping into her voice.

Liara's face hardened like nothing she had ever seen before, her hands grasping Shepard's upper arms firmly. Her eyes were full of intensity. "You did the only thing you could do. You made the right choice. Do no doubt that."

Shepard was slightly taken aback by Liara's upfront demeanor, but still expressed her doubts. "But-"

"Sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good. No one wants to believe that. I didn't want to believe that. But age brings wisdom... what we've seen... you saved all of us. The losses were great, and we will never forget them. But I can't think of another person we'd rather have to make that call. I am proud. I am proud of you." Liara gave her a fast hug once again. "Okay?"

"Okay." Shepard gave a weak smile. Liara had strolled away and was now pacing the room, giving an occasional glance out the window.

"Have you spoken to him? Have you spoken to Joker?" she asked quietly.

Shepard could feel her face turn red with guilt. "No."

"Perhaps it would alleviate some of your tension if you talked to him. I know he has been bereft with grief since EDI's… shutdown."

"What am I supposed to say to him? Oh, I'm sorry for your loss! By the way, I'm the one who killed your robot girlfriend?"

Liara's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you could tell him part of the truth. Obviously, you haven't spoken to him for a reason. In order to move on, as you say, you might need to confront your fear of reaching out to Jeff."

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. "He's going to hate me."

"I'm not certain about that. Maybe he will blame you, maybe not. Kaidan seemed to get along with him fine on the Normandy after everyone was back. Though I do believe he was upset with him at the funeral… but we were all not our usual selves then." Liara's eyes cast down on the floor.

"I suppose I'll give him a visit tomorrow. Get it done with."

"That is brave of you."

Several moments passed, and Liara didn't speak again.

"Can I stay here?" Shepard asked suddenly.

"In my office?" It seemed Liara thought she was kidding.

Shepard nodded shyly. She hobbled over to the couch and spread out.

"I suppose so," Liara sighed. "I'll see if I can find a blanket somewhere around here, the air conditioning system tends to be overzealous…"

"Thank you," Shepard whispered. Her eyelids were already becoming heavy. The thought of visiting Joker in the morning made her gut twist in knots, but with the sky already lightening outside and a busy night behind her, sleep fell upon her.


	16. Not Okay

Blinding light seared through Shepard's eyelids, refusing to let her catch one more minute of shut-eye. With a groan, she reluctantly rolled up into a sitting position and cracked her stiff bones. It was morning, and Shepard had a headache. And a need for bacon. And a need to barf. She wasn't sure in what order. Swallowing down her nausea and hunger, she noted that Liara was gone. On the small side table was a note from her; Liara had left earlier to go out on "business," whatever that meant.

A quick glance at her omni-tool gave her a sinking feeling. It was already noon, which was cutting into the time she'd have to ring up Joker and meet with him. Another disappointment was that Kaidan had not replied to her message from the previous night. Had he chalked it up to just late-night drunken rambling? Had he not wanted to respond because he didn't feel the same way? Maybe he had already put her behind him. Maybe he was with someone else last night. Maybe something happened, and he wasn't able to access his messages. Not enjoying her increasingly panic-ridden train of thought, Shepard starting to rub her temples in a weak effort to relieve pain. No. She wasn't going to regret sending the message. It was true, after all. Kaidan could think whatever he wanted to think.

Now came the moment of truth. Her hands began to sweat, and her fingers became shaky. Several deep breaths later, Shepard was calling Joker.

He picked up the call, but didn't answer with video, which Shepard was grateful for. She knew she probably looked like hell, and she didn't really want to see him in a state of disheveled despair. Nevertheless, Shepard could picture him when she heard his raspy, groggy voice.

"Shepard?"

All of her nerves felt like they were on fire. Her mouth dried up, and her mind drew a blank.

"Helloooo?" Joker repeated. "Anyone out there?"

"Yes, Joker, I'm here," Shepard managed to get out, her own voice varying in pitch from a rough night.

"Shepard. Wow. The hero of our universe. Require my services? Another galactic calamity to fix? Or is this a personal call?"

Yup. Jeff was up to his old joking hijinks, but his words were barbed. Shepard winced. "Sorry for not calling for you earlier."

He snorted. "It's been a while, that's for sure."

"Uh huh. I'm sorry about that." She hoped it sounded as sincere as she meant it. "I've been meaning to ask... can we get together and talk?"

"About what?" Joker asked bluntly.

"There's... there's just stuff that I want to say. And I figured we could catch up. Ooh, we could go for sushi!" Shepard tried to sound as upbeat and positive as she could.

"Not really in the mood for sushi, Commander." Commander? The formal title felt like a punch to the gut. "But I guess we could meet."

"Great, great. Your place or somewhere else?"

"How about yours?"

A private place would be preferable for a conversation dealing with such confidential matters.

"Fine."

"Okay. You're at the rehab center over in the West Side, right? Liara told me. I'll be there in 15."

"What-" Shepard blurted, but he had already ended the call. Fifteen minutes? She was probably not going to make it there in time. Shepard called him up again, but no answer. After weighing the options, she hustled out of the building and called up a taxi as fast as possible.

In the taxi, she brushed her hair with her fingers and attempted to smooth out her rumpled clothes. Shepard had the cab pull to the back of the facility. While she wasn't hospitalized or kept in a prison, she had been on the receiving end of too many disapproving looks from the medical staff for not coming home at night or other unhealthy behaviors which would supposedly hinder her recovery.

There was a securely locked door at the back, but there was also a friendly custodian taking out the trash who let her in without a second glance. Being Commander Shepard had its benefits sometimes. Her omni-tool told her that she had spoken with Joker nearly half an hour ago. Shit. Well, at least in her rush to get over, she didn't have time to start second-guessing the plan.

She stealthy moved through the hallways, hiding behind the corner whenever she overheard the voices of her least favorite staff members. Shepard made it to the lobby and gave a big smile to the receptionist.

"Someone here for me?"

"Yes, a Mr. Moreau. He checked in here, but said he was going to step out after a while."

"Thanks so much." Shepard prayed that he hadn't gotten tired of waiting and had just taken off.

Hurrying through the glass doors, she walked out onto the front entrance walkway. There were grass lawns flanking the path, and to the side were a bench and a rose garden where patients frequently sat down for a rest during their physical therapy walks. She spotted a man with brown hair over there. Joker. He wasn't sporting his old Normandy baseball cap, and Shepard was surprised to see a little bald spot at the back of his head. She approached him cautiously.

"Joker?"

He looked up at her. Sure enough, it was him, but he looked tired and significantly older than the last time she had seen him. Shepard was pleased to see his eyes warm a bit when she greeted him.

"Hey, Shepard."

Shepard knew it was a risk, but she went in for a quick, light hug. Despite her initial hesitance, he actually hugged her in return. "Long time, no see," she whispered breathlessly.

"Feels like a century ago."

They pulled apart and scoped each other out. Joker's clothes hung loosely on him, but they were clean and in good condition. Casual wear, not a pilot's attire.

"Nice legs."

Huh? She was wearing jeans. Apparently, her cuff had rolled up to expose her mechanical leg during the rush to meet up with him. Shepard knew there wasn't any reason to be embarrassed, but her face flushed as she tugged her jeans back down over it. When she looked back up at him, his face was set in a confused frown. Joker was staring at her chest.

Now she was confused. Joker wasn't one for checking her out, especially so obviously. Shepard pointed her head down and also frowned when she spotted a tiny red dot on her neckline. Drink or food from last night was the answer her brain sluggishly came up with, but then the little mark hovered and moved.

All of a sudden, something solid was slamming into her, and she hit the paved garden path with a thunk. The back of Shepard's head hit the concrete, making a dull sound that made her want to be sick. She then felt a secondary wave of shock.

It was heavy. It was a man on top of her. It was Joker. His face was pained, and he was screaming something at her. Her chest and stomach started to feel wet. Why was it wet?

Shepard inhaled deeply. Someone had been shot. There was a sniper. She didn't feel any pain except for her head, so perhaps she hadn't been shot. But Joker was on top of her, which meant he had most likely taken a bullet.

Times like this, Shepard wished she was a biotic. Or had Kaidan around. A shield would have been priceless at the moment. Without one, they sitting ducks for whatever jackass was trying to kill them. Luckily, she still had her arm strength. Shepard managed to rise up and grasp Joker. She dragged him as fast as she could to the doors and inside the building. Shepard moved erratically to try and throw the sniper off, though she knew it was a pointless endeavor. In the space of time it took to arrive indoors, she had noted the sound of four shots. One hit the pavement near Joker's body, one had hit her leg and sent sparks flying, and one had grazed her neck. The last one had gotten Joker again. She heard him scream.

People inside had heard the commotion and were panicking. They saw her and started to back away.

"Lock the doors! Call an ambulance! Get me doctors, quick!" She barked orders to anyone who was listening and could help. Shepard got a good distance away from the windows and the door, and she finally laid Joker down on the ground.

His eyes were open, and he was conscious. One gunshot wound to the abdomen, and one to the chest. She gently tilted his body. No, make that a gunshot wound to the upper back; the one at his chest was an exit would. He had taken it in the back for her. Blood was leaking through his clothes. She pulled at his shirt to examine them. The bullets had been hollowpoints, maybe even armor-piercing ammo, resulting in what appeared to be serious damage. Who knows if they were cryo ammo or whatever else as well.

In the back of her mind, Shepard knew the sniper was still out there, and that there may be other assassins roaming around after her, but she didn't care. Shepard wasn't going anywhere. If she was going to sink with the ship - again- so be it.

Though rife with panic, she managed to quell the bleeding somewhat by using her shirt. Her battlefield instincts were still there, but it had been a while, and her damn emotions were getting in the way. Joker looked shocked, and she was sure he was actually in shock too.

"Jeff… Jeff," her voice quivered. She could see him struggling to stay awake. She needed to hold his attention and prevent him from slipping into darkness. Shepard blurted out the first thing that came to mind before she could stop herself, the thing that had been at the forefront of her mind before everything had gone to hell. "I killed EDI."

Joker's eyes got even bigger. His mouth formed words, but nothing came out. It was clear, however, that he wanted some follow-up to her sudden confession. She wanted a change of subject, but there was no going back now.

"The Crucible… there was this AI boy, and he made me choose between three awful things."

Even in pain and severely injured, he gave her a look that said he thought she was out of her mind.

"Trust me, it happened. I think. In order to get rid of the Reapers for good, it meant shutting down the relays, the geth… and EDI."

Joker visibly winced. Shepard began crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I knew what it meant, I didn't want to, but I had to."

It was getting tricky to see Joker because her eyes were so watery, but she saw the red blur across his torso grow bigger and bigger. Her hands were warm and slick with his blood. Shepard could feel it gushing between her fingers, a sickening sensation she had felt before and didn't enjoy.

"I understand." Jeff whispered. It was barely audible, but she had picked it up. Shepard, careful to not spread blood across her face, wiped at her eyes with the crook of her elbow. Full vision restored, she noted that his face had gone a ghastly white.

"You just took a bullet for me. Not okay! I killed EDI, don't you understand? Not okay!" her hands pressed on the main wound even harder, though she was afraid of breaking his ribs.

Jeff's lips, firmly pressed together, managed to turn up at the corners. "I'm going to see her."

"See her where? Heaven? Do…" Shepard stopped herself. It would be of no help to question whether artificial intelligence had a spot at the bar in the afterlife. And just like that, Joker's eyes twitched and closed.

"Wait a second! Don't think you're going to join her just now! You're not!" Shepard screamed, releasing her hands from the wound to check his pulse. It was there, but faint.

"Ashley, too." Shepard heard him over the sound of her own gasping breaths. Oh, Ashley. Shepard began crying harder, her heart contracting painfully.

"Stop it! You're going to be fine! I won't let you die!"

Joker's eyes opened at that, and his hand weakly grasped at her wrist. "My turn."

"You weren't supposed to do that! I'm the one that takes the hits for the team, got it!" Shepard had stopped shouting. She didn't have the energy anymore.

"Joker," she cried, laying her forehead down on him. The fingers that were pressed to his neck fell away. The light thump of his heartbeat had fallen silent.

Hands grabbed at Shepard, dragging her away from him. It appeared the emergency cavalry had arrived. She struggled to inch back to Joker, but eventually stopped resisting. Medi-gel and a defibrillator were used by the doctors and nurses right in front of her. Through gaps in the cluster of people huddled around him, she could see his body shake with the electric shocks. They kept on going, but in less than twenty minutes, they had halted their efforts. Shepard wanted to yell at them to not give up, but she saw the red pool around him as the doctors started to back away. She slipped out of the grasp of her handlers and sunk to her knees. Joker was gone. And in a lifetime full of witnessed casualties, this one already hurt the most.

* * *


	17. Red

Her omni-tool kept ringing, but no one picked up on the other side. Where was Kaidan? He hadn't replied back to her message from an hour ago, which asked him to call her back as soon as humanly possible. Shepard pressed the button to end the call with a huff of disappointment. She looked down and saw her clothes, now dry and stained with burgundy splotches. Her stomach started to roll, and she pulled off everything as fast as she could. Shepard stumbled to the bathroom, almost tripping on her carelessly tossed boots, and turned on the shower. She didn't even twist the knob for hot water, choosing to stand under the cold stream, scrubbing off any remnants of the day. She reached for a washcloth and rubbed at her skin until it was red and raw. Despite the goosebumps covering her, Shepard remained there, pressing her forehead against the cool tile and squeezing her eyes shut.

Back on the Normandy, showers had been the perfect way for her to decompress and think over things. Now was no different. She began to feel relief as her muddled emotions became contained by the master plan she was forming in her head, like always. Everything's always better with a plan.

Step one: See if "authorities" know what's up. 

Step two: If "authorities" don't know, or are otherwise incompetent, which is likely, consult Liara.

Step three: If Liara knows, go after the bad guys yourself.

Step four: Call up Kaidan and everyone else who can help go take them down.

Step five: Get them.

Shepard wasn't too sure what came after step five: murder or capture? Like most of the important decisions she had made in her life, she'd go with her first instinct when it was time.

She shut off the water and quickly wrapped herself up in a towel. There was no time to waste, and she had business to attend to.

* * *

The Alliance wouldn't tell her anything. In fact, they had questioned her further about what happened earlier, but didn't reveal anything to her. Too close to the case, they said. Which was, of course, true, but Shepard didn't save the galaxy by playing by the rules.

* * *

Luckily, the Shadow Broker always knows everything, or at least something. Liara was clearly distraught, rawness evident in her voice. She had, however, quickly sent out feelers to try to pick up any clues as to who had killed Joker. A source within the Alliance told her that they had in fact found some clues. The murder weapon had been lying out on the top of a nearby building, right where the assassin had left it. A Batarian State Arms Lighting Strike sniper rifle. Anyone could have been using the weapon, but this particular one had a military serial number that traced back to an ex-soldier who had joined the Bahak Remembrance Movement. The Bahak Remembrance Movement was a terrorist organization, the largest of several small batarian groups on Earth who were trying to kill Shepard and punish the Alliance. Liara was aware of where their central cell was located, and it was conveniently within the city.

"But why leave the weapon behind?" Shepard asked herself.

"You're right, I doubt it was unintentional. There was time to clean up the scene," Liara responded, also lost in thought.

"Maybe someone's staging it to look like the BRM?"

"But why?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Shepard sighed.

"Perhaps they're sending a sign. They want people to know that they are after you and you will not have peace," Liara paused, and Shepard picked up on some clicking sounds in the background. "It seems they posted a propaganda vid yesterday about Bahak, the evils you committed, and how they are going to obtain justice by destroying you."

"They upload vids like that all of the time. And not just them."

"That is true, but this is a start, and everything so far is pointing to the Bahak Remembrance Movement."

"Then that's who we'll go see. What was that address again?"

"You can't - you can't be serious! There's an official investigation going on."

"I'm afraid they won't go after these guys. There's too much heat about Bahak still; they can't have batarians getting even more pissed and starting an actual war. Not even for Joker, maybe."

"You're not supposed to be in the field."

"Not Alliance anymore, not even a Spectre. My call."

"Shepard. Don't," Liara pleaded.

"It's okay. You don't have to go with me if you don’t want to."

"I'm still working on leads for the bombing and for this..."

"I know. Don't worry. I'll see who else can go with me."

"Joker would not approve."

A punch dealt to her stomach. "I'm not sure about that. He always loved going in with guns blazing."

"I suppose so." Liara sounded doubtful.

And after an awkward goodbye, the two hung up.

* * *

Options for squadmates on this mission of Shepard's were limited. Liara was occupied and not exactly supportive. Miranda wasn't around, and Shepard didn't want to explain why she needed her; Miranda certainly wouldn't approve of her "exerting" herself in that manner. Jack was busy with her job and didn't want to put it in jeopardy. Vega was at training, though he was going to try to get leave for the funeral. All of them were torn up by the news about Joker and were worried about her, but none wanted to take action. Wait, they said.

And where was Kaidan anyway? Night had fallen, and still no responses on her omni-tool. Shepard decided to call his parents’ house phone, hoping that he’d actually be there. It rung and rung, and right when she thought about hanging up, the call connected. After a moment of a static, up popped the video feed, but she wasn’t looking at Kaidan. There was a woman on the other line, Shepard’s age or a little older. A very pretty woman wearing a chunky sweater like the ones Kaidan liked to wear. Shepard blanked. Who was this?

“Hello?”

Shepard realized that a few seconds had passed, and the woman was trying to get her attention. Shepard could see that she was sitting in the quaint kitchen where Kaidan had occasionally called from.

“Sorry, yes, hi, I’m here!” she sputtered.

“Is that you, Commander Shepard? Wow, a living legend!” The woman smiled.

“Ha. I guess. That’s me,” Shepard joked lamely. “Umm… is Major Kaidan Alenko around?”

“Oh, Kaidan? He’s not.”

“Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“Not sure. Do you want me to take a message?”

“I suppose,” Shepard sighed.

An older man briefly appeared in the background. The woman turned around to say something to him, but it was inaudible. The man disappeared out of the frame, but not before Shepard was able to piece it together.

“Is that Kaidan’s dad?”

The woman nodded. “Yeah, that’s Frank.”

“He found him.” Shepard's mouth hung agape despite her best efforts to reel it in.

“Mmm hmm, ‘bout a week or two ago.”

“A week ago? I hadn't heard.” Shepard was even more taken aback. Kaidan hadn't told her. She thought he had been keeping her in the loop. “Sorry, but I don’t know you… who are you?”

“Me? I’m Michaela, Kaidan’s friend.”

“Okay, hi Michaela. Didn't mean to be rude. So you’re helping out at their house or something?”

“Well, I moved in a few weeks ago, but I've been helping for a while.” Michaela’s voice dipped lower. “You know, keeping an eye on Frank. He’s been having a hard time with what happened to Kaidan’s mom.”

“What happened?”

“Oh- I hadn't realized- she’s gone. She was killed. Left with some others from the town to seek shelter out in a more rural area during the war. Apparently, they were intercepted by a group of Reaper forces. She didn't make it. Frank went out there as soon as he could and came across a couple of survivors. They told him what happened, and he’s been out there in the mountains with them since.”

Stunned into silence, Shepard put her face in her hands. Kaidan’s mom was dead. Kaidan had found his dad. She couldn't imagine what he was going through. The news about Joker would just be throwing more gasoline on the fire. Her heart broke for him.

At the same time, why hadn't he been telling her these things?

“Well, thanks for the update, Michaela.” Shepard removed her hands from her face and put on a polite smile.

“Of course.” Michaela stood up and went to reach over toward the screen. The bottom of her sweater became visible, and Shepard discovered that she was wearing Kaidan’s favorite sweater, the one with the pattern of stags in black at the bottom. Her smile quickly faded into a slight frown.

“I like your sweater?”

“Thanks!”

Shepard quirked an eyebrow, but said no more. A moment of silence passed.

“You wanted to leave a message, Commander?”

“Actually, that’s alright. Fine without one."

"Alright, have a good night."

“You too.”

The vid screen went to black, but Shepard kept staring ahead. What had just happened?

_Angry. Hurt. Confused. Worried. Jealous?_

“Fuck, fuck,” Shepard groaned. She impulsively kicked her desk, the strength of her bionic leg managing to knock her lamp off of it. “Fuck!”

Breathe in, breathe out. Stick to the plan.

She could raid the cell by herself, but Shepard was smart enough to know that she wouldn't make it out alive. Not these days. But she had an idea of someone who might be able to help her out, and maybe together they wouldn't end up in body bags.

* * *

A phone call had confirmed what she was hoping for, and now it was time for prep. They’d be going tonight, which was technically early tomorrow morning. Shepard was afraid that if they waited any longer, Liara or someone else would try to stop her. Or maybe the Alliance would grow a pair in this peaceful, post-Reaper world and go muck things up. Of course, she hadn't slept since Joker had died, but time was of the essence.

Strolling through her local megastore, Shepard picked up several items she might need. She spent a few minutes at a display of duct tape. Basic gray-silver seemed to be the most appropriate option for taking hostages, but the lime green with ladybugs was way more fun. In the cart it went, and Shepard headed toward the cashier before abruptly turning the cart around. Now she pushed down the hair care aisle, her fingers gliding over the boxes.

At first, Shepard had almost selected another color. One hand picked up a pitch-black hue, the other grabbed a cobalt blue. In the end, she wanted the enemy to realize who they were effing with, so she tossed into the cart the familiar red dye she had worn for years before the end of the war.

The little old lady at the register gave her a stare over the top of her glasses as she rang up the items, her fumbling fingers pausing their work to accept Shepard’s payment. “Back, Commander?”

Shepard didn't reply, but thanked her as she handed her the bag of goodies. Having paid and checked off her shopping list, she made her way back into the night with the bag pressed to her chest. As soon as she was out of the doors and alone, she pulled out the box of red dye and examined it. With a deep exhale of breath, she said to no one, “I’m back.”


	18. What Happened

Kaidan was out mowing the front lawn that lined the front of his parents’ orchard house, earphones firmly in and his omni-tool playing classic rock. The mindless task reminded him of his childhood, when things were simpler. Now his parents were who knows where, the love of his life was who knows where emotionally, and his life was one big question mark. Weeks and weeks of searching to no avail. He had to laugh to himself. Those last few nights on the Normandy before London, he had thought about everything that’d be waiting for him- for them- if they pulled through. On the long journey back home, Kaidan focused on the same, pushing away any negative trains of thought. Things had definitely not turned out the way he had expected. Yet he was out here mowing a lawn the old-school way on an unusually warm day for the season, a privilege rather than a chore – to be able to take the time to complete such a task was almost mind-boggling to him, but that’s the way peace worked, he supposed.

With the music playing loudly, Kaidan didn’t hear the woman approach him until she was pulling on his shirtsleeve. He jumped at the contact, an eerie and familiar blue shade leaping over his skin. His muscles tensed in preparation. The woman backed away quickly, and he was able to get a full peek at her. Not an attacker – the woman was in a tank top and shorts, no weapons visible, unless you counted the plate of brownies in her hands. Embarrassed, he dropped his defensive stance and ripped out his earphones.

“I’m sorry, ma- ’’ his words died on his tongue as he squinted closer at her face. “Michaela?”

Michaela had lived across the street from his parents’ orchard when he was growing up. His first kiss had been with her on one summer night when they were both on break from junior high school. A few years later came BAat, and after he came back, Kaidan had kind of withdrawn from the world and avoided going to the orchard. He hadn’t really seen her after that, though his mother occasionally mentioned her to him, sometimes dropping her relationship status into the conversation.

Michaela still kept her distance, shaking a bit. “Hey, Kaidan. Long time no see.”

“Yeah.” He grimaced. Great. The freak who was a shut-in at his parents’ house was still up to the usual tricks – that’s what she was probably thinking. Kaidan rubbed his neck, turning away from her stare. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to bring these over.” Michaela approached him with a timid smile, gently nudging the plate of brownies into his hands.

“Thanks.” As a gesture of appreciation, and for an excuse to not speak, Kaidan grabbed one of the homemade treats and stuffed it into his mouth in one bite.

“Must be hungry after working in the yard all morning.”

Kaidan nodded, still chewing, letting silence fall over them. Michaela started to bite a nail before seemingly gathering herself up.

“So… our – well, it’s mine now since my parents passed- my house was damaged during the war. I came back from Tokyo a few weeks ago and finished having an architect and engineer over to look at it. Going to take a few months for repairs to be done. Sorry if there’s any noise and stuff from the construction.”

“Really? That’s good, I guess. The fixing it part, that is.” Kaidan mentally kicked himself.

“Yeah,” Michaela chuckled. “Anyway, those brownies weren’t entirely just a friendly welcome-back-to-the-neighborhood thing, unfortunately.”

Kaidan frowned, wrapping the brownies back up in their wrap.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t poison them! I wanted to ask for a favor. I don’t need a kidney or anything. But since my place is going to be under construction, and I don’t really have a place to go – I would camp, but winter’s almost here… ’’

Michaela’s words trailed off. Kaidan had been solely working on his search for his parents, and having a roommate seemed like a distraction. But here was one of his childhood friends, standing here asking for help. “Okay.”

“Are you sure?” Her face was beaming.

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“Great, thanks so much!” In the blink of an eye, Michaela suddenly kissed him on the cheek. “I need to move out next week – hope that’s okay? In the meantime, see you around, neighbor!”

Michaela backed away, keeping her eyes on him, before heading back toward her house, a skip noticeable in her step. Kaidan put his earphones back in, waiting until she was back inside before giving a shake of his head. He had forgotten how upbeat she was, or perhaps time had changed them both.

* * *

A week later, and she was living with him. Michaela had temporarily taken over the guest room, while Kaidan stayed in his bedroom; he felt uncomfortable occupying his parents’ master or offering it up. She spent her days at the small veterinarian clinic she had set up down the road, helping the pets of local residents and rescuing the many strays that roamed the area post-war. Michaela has a little too chipper around the house, but she more than pulled her weight with cleaning up the house and assisting with the chores.

It was during one of their new routines, cereal for breakfast on the weekends, that Michaela had asked him if he had been up to “Survivor’s Ridge.” Dumbfounded, he had told her no, and she dropped her spoon on the floor, her mouth gaping open. She had treated a dog from one the guys who lived up there. He and a group other ex-military types were staying further up in the mountains at this closed-down campsite. They had evacuated part of the town and hid up there during the war. There were casualties, of course, and it was cold as hell, but a lot of them were still kicking, and many had decided to remain up there and not return home.

It sounded too perfect to be true. It sounded exactly like somewhere his parents would be. His mom likely joined the others when they evacuated the town, and when his dad was released from duty, he probably joined her. As much as he wanted to believe what he was telling himself, Kaidan couldn’t explain away why they hadn’t contacted him or why they hadn’t come back to the orchard.

Nevertheless, Kaidan and Michaela hiked up to the survivors’ camp the next day.

* * *

Kaidan couldn’t believe he was actually looking at his father. He had always believed that while his mother was alive out there somewhere, his dad was a different story. But here he was, certainly worse for wear, skin and bones with a heavy beard. His stoic face broke with unexpected joy when Kaidan stooped in front of him, and his hands stopped with the wood carving he was working on.

“Kaidan?” his dad rasped.

“Yeah, it’s me, dad.” Kaidan couldn’t stop his eyes from tearing up. His dad leaned toward him and wrapped him in his arms. The two of them stayed like that for a few seconds until his dad pulled away.

To actually find his dad out here after months and months… it was an incredible relief. He and Michaela had spent the day hiking up through the mountains, with him taking frequent breaks along the way to stop and look at the beautiful view. Michaela kept to herself, probably realizing that he was attempting to take as long as possible to get up there, afraid of what he would or wouldn’t find.

“God, you don’t know how happy I am to see you,” Kaidan confessed.

“Same goes for you, son.” Though he was still smiling, his dad let his gaze drop away from Kaidan’s face, and he went back to work on the carving.

“I want to hear all about everything… ’’ Realizing he might be pushing too much and letting his curiosity get ahead of him, he reined it in. “Whenever you’re ready, and only if you want to.” Kaidan inhaled deeply, nervous about the words that had been on the tip of his tongue ever since the leader of the camp had pointed him in the direction of his father. “Dad, where’s… where’s Mom? Did she make it?”

His dad didn’t tilt his head up or anything. It was as if he hadn’t heard him at all.

“Dad?”

Still no response. His dad had started to vigorously dig his knife into the little wood block he was working with. Kaidan slowly inched his hands forward, eventually resting them upon his dad’s to keep them idle.

Finally, his dad raised his head, although he still wouldn’t look at him. Kaidan already knew what it meant, and he couldn’t keep eye contact with his father anymore either.

“What do you want me to say?” His dad’s voice was barely a whisper.

Kaidan rubbed his face as he tried to pull himself together emotionally. “What happened?”

All Kaidan was met with was silence. Weighing his options, he decided to not press the issue further. Whatever had happened, it was bad. Ethan, the leader of this ragtag group of survivors, had made no mention of where Kaidan might be able to find his mother.

Michaela had been hovering in the background, but she took the silence between father and son as an opportunity to steal Kaidan away for a second. Once they had walked past the tree line and were no longer in his dad’s earshot, she whispered, “Your mom…”

“Is dead.” He interrupted matter-of-factly. “My dad won’t say it, but that’s what it looks like.”

Michaela bit her lip. “I was taking with Ethan while you were, you know, and that’s what he seemed to indicate.”

Kaidan backed up against one of the pine tree trunks, crouching down on the ground. “What am I supposed to do now?”

He meant it as a rhetorical question, but Michaela chipped in anyway. “I think… I think we should take your dad home.”

Kaidan’s face contorted. Take him home? His broken father? How would that work? Maybe this little mountain retreat was the only thing keeping him together. Without his mother, he’d… the numbness that Kaidan had felt as soon as he realized the fate of his mother was wearing off, rapidly becoming replaced by panic because he had lost the one woman he was closest to in his life, other than Shepard, and the parent he had been closest to, as well. His dad, an old-school military career man through and through, had been strict and controlling, all sharp edges and booming voice. His mom had been the one to be his shoulder to cry on after Jump Zero and occasionally his verbal punching bag, who always took everything he threw her way and seemingly never resented him for it.

The sun was drifting lower behind the mountaintops, and his thoughts were starting to divert to places he didn’t want to go. Kaidan began to taste eezo in the air, so he closed his eyes firmly and began running through his usual relaxation techniques in his mind. As he was starting to feel centered again, he could feel hands on his shoulders. Kaidan reluctantly opened his eyes to see Michaela kneeling in front of him. She leaned in to hug him.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” Michaela mumbled, her mouth pressed against the puffy collar of Kaidan’s parka.

Kaidan let go, and the two broke apart. “Me too.” He sighed audibly. “I’m not going to drag my dad out of here. If he wants to be here, okay. If he wants to go home, okay. It’s up to him. I’m not going to tell anybody how they should deal with their grief.” He couldn’t help but laugh bitterly, picturing how he had dealt with Shepard’s death.

 _Shepard_. Shit, he had completely forgotten about the message she had sent him late the other night. His omni-tool had woken him up in the early morning hours, and he remembered blearily staring at a message she had sent. Drowsy, he had put off responding until the morning… and then it had slipped away from him. Their separation was a constant ache, but the pain felt distant these days. Oh, but how he wished she was with him right now…

“Ready to go?”

Michaela’s voice brought him back to reality. Right now, all he needed to focus on was his dad. Everything else could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everybody for your kudos and reviews! I hope you've enjoyed this peek at what Kaidan's been up to - more to come.


	19. While You Were Gone

In the end, Kaidan's father had wanted to come home with him. Michaela and Kaidan helped him gather up his belongings from his log cabin. Kaidan noted that some of his mom's possessions were there too, and he packed those up as well. Their rucksacks loaded until they were heavy but still manageable, the awkward trio started their journey back down the mountain. His dad kept to himself, but Michaela asked him questions and made remarks all along the way, which actually seemed to perk him up and bring him out of his shell. Glad that he didn't have to be the one to try to make small talk, Kaidan was happy enough to walk ahead solo.

* * *

Kaidan's dad settled back in his room once they got to the orchard house, and he tended to remain behind closed doors most of the time, only reappearing for meals. One day, his dad got up and went outside in the morning. Kaidan took the opportunity to quickly check in on his parents' room; all of his mother's belongings had been neatly packed in boxes, though a few of her things and photographs still remained on the top of her dresser and their nightstands. That's what his dad had been up to.

Kaidan was pulling a couple of steaks off of the grill when his dad came back, a bundle of wood in his arms. He was relieved to see him as the sun had already gone down, and he wasn't entirely sure if his dad planned on coming back.

"What you got there, dad?" It was brisk outside, so he started to turn off the fire and head toward the door with the plate of steaks.

"What does it look like?" His dad gruffly threw the logs against the side of the house. "Getting supplies."

Kaidan was about to say something, but he bit his tongue. Better leave his father to it. He was halfway in the house when his dad called out to him.

"Got a steak for me?"

"Mmm hmm."

The three housemates ate their meal mostly in silence, though Michaela tried to make light conversation, but it didn't get anywhere. She cleaned her plate and took off; there was some sort of emergency at the clinic. After her departure, Kaidan stood up to start clearing the table and was surprised when his dad put his hand on his arm.

"The dishes can wait." Once again, his dad's surly tone was back.

"I'd like to get them out of the way now."

"Damn it, Kaidan, can you just sit down?"

Back when Kaidan was a teenager, this was the sort of thing that would trigger his biotics, and then an even more intense argument would break out. Not these days. He simply closed his eyes and sighed. "Fine."

He stared at his father, who stared right back at him. Kaidan was about to jump in when his dad finally spoke up.

"Alba- your mother- had already passed when I got up to the mountain. The unit I was in charge of got separated during a battle. We ended up in the wilderness, totally cut off from command. After the initial attack, things here on the ground quickly deteriorated. It was disorganized. We were stuck out there and decided to run recon missions, help the people. I thought about your mother all of the time… I wished I could reach out to her." He swallowed audibly.

"The last time I spoke with your mom, I told her to head for the orchard house. Away from the city, that'd be safer. When I was out there during the war, I heard that the neighborhood had evacuated the area and traveled further up into the mountains after a random attack. Our unit eventually disintegrated; everyone wanted go back to protect their families. I went up to Survivor's Ridge. I couldn't wait to see her. Judy was there- you know, from the next block over- she saw me first. They had been hit on their way up. A few had died, including your mother."

His dad's voice broke. In his usual manner, his gaze dropped to the bottom of his glass, obviously attempting to contain his emotions. Kaidan let his dad gather himself up.

"They… they had to leave her and the others behind in order to make it. They were afraid to go back. When I heard that, I gathered up a group of the guys, and we went searching for them. I… I found her. We took the- the bodies back up." His dad buried his face in his hands. "I buried her next to the others on that ledge that overlooks the lake to the west? It was the most beautiful place I could think of. Do you… do you think that was the right spot?"

Kaidan grasped for words. Frankly, he would have liked to have been there to choose where his mother was buried and to see her with his own eyes, but in times like these, you couldn't always get the chance. "It sounds nice. I'm sure she'd have liked it."

"I hope so." His dad's eyes grew watery, and Kaidan's stomach clenched. He had never seen his father cry. Ever. It simply brought home the reality they were in. "We put up crosses and wrote the names into the wood. I want to go back and put a real marker though. Maybe could you help me pick something out? And what to write? I can show you where it is."

The look his dad was giving him strained his heart. His dad had never been this vulnerable. The tables had certainly turned, and it was strange to be the strong one in charge of his family. "Sounds like a plan."

The two sat there quietly until his dad's voice whispered, "I miss her."

"I miss her, too, so much." Kaidan reached out for his dad's hand to comfort him.

"I'm sure. The two of you…"

"We were close."

"Yes."

"And now we'll have to get through this together. It's what she would've wanted."

His dad smiled a little. "Yeah." With that, his dad got up from the table and started collecting the dishes, his typical stern demeanor back in place. "I've got the dishes. Why don't you go watch the game?"

"Are you sure?"

"I am. You don't clean the dishes properly anyway."

"Alright, dad." Kaidan sighed. Back to normal already.

* * *

The next day happened to be the day that Michaela had kissed him. After she had come home from work, he made her tea and confessed to her everything that his father had told him after dinner the previous night. After some gentle prodding from Michaela, Kaidan shared with her what he was feeling, and she helped him process it. Kaidan thanked her for being a good friend and for listening to him, and he hugged her. That's when she pressed her lips against his. It was merely a peck at first, and Kaidan didn't think much of it. After a second, he realized she wasn't pulling away. Before he could react, she reached a palm up to his face, her hand ghosting his cheek. Her lips began to press firmly against him, and she deepened the kiss. His mind was slow to figure it out, and he instinctively reciprocated. He had to admit, it felt nice.

Michaela was the one to end it, backing away from him, breathless. "That was…"

Kaidan didn't finish her sentence. "Michaela…"

"What? Did I overstep? Did you not want…" she trailed off, her cheeks starting to turn a little pink.

"I mean," he muttered, trying to determine the best way of approaching the matter. "That was, you know, good and everything. Like I said, you've been a great friend, and I can't thank you enough for what've done, but…"

"But you want us to just be friends."

He nodded.

"I thought we might've had something going for us." Michaela smiled sadly. "Of course, I was aware about Commander Shepard and you, but I thought you two had split up."

"We are… we aren't… it's complicated." Kaidan left it at that.

Michaela wrapped her arms around herself. "Why isn't she here with you?"

He rubbed his neck hesitantly. "I'm giving her space."

Michaela seemed to waver for a second. "You deserve someone who's really great, Kaidan. Someone who will be there for you through thick and thin. Someone who will appreciate what you do. Someone to have a family with."

He wanted to butt in, but she held her index finger to his mouth. "That's all I wanted to say. Not saying I'm right person for you. Just saying you should be happy. And if Commander Shepard is that person for you, that's perfect."

She nodded to herself and spun on her heels, retreating from their tete-a-tete before he had even had a chance to think over her words. Once again, he was left shaking his head as she walked away.

* * *

Several days passed by. Kaidan was relieved that there was no awkwardness between Michaela and him; it was as if their kiss hadn't happened at all. He and his dad were also talking more than they had ever before, though his dad was still prone to sadness and sometimes didn't make it out of the bedroom.

Kaidan was in the middle of grabbing some tools from the shed to work on the busted pipe in the upstairs bathroom when his omni-tool buzzed once, but Kaidan ignored it as usual. All sorts of messages came his way, so it rang quite often. It buzzed again, though he still didn't check it. The third time it happened in quick succession, he glanced down and brought up the message screen. Shepard, Liara, and Shepard again. An Alliance internal emergency alert message also popped up. That was highly unusual, and he started to feel a pit in his stomach. What had happened? Was there another bombing, was Shepard – no, she had messaged him; Shepard must be fine at least. Kaidan skimmed through the text, trying to process what it meant. Joker was dead. He had been shot by a sniper during a meeting with Shepard. Someone had murdered him and probably meant to assassinate Shepard as well; she was probably the main target.

He never should have left; he shouldn't have let her push him away. He should have been there to protect her, to protect Joker.  _That stupid idiot_. Joker had beaten himself up over Shepard's death, and knowing that EDI was no longer around, he had likely decided to return Shepard's favor and sacrifice himself to save her. The war was over, but the body count managed to climb even higher, and another member of the Normandy had joined the fallen.

Kaidan and Joker had been best buddies during the run against Saren. To be sure, they were an odd pair; Kaidan was hell-bent on impressing his C.O. and not completely losing himself in a silly schoolboy crush. Joker was all rapid-fire jokes with his easy demeanor. The two of them and Ashley made a tight group, but things began to unravel after Virmire. After Shepard's death, Kaidan and Joker had become estranged. Joker seemingly blamed himself for what happened, and to be honest, Kaidan couldn't help but think Joker played a part, too. It didn't mean that Kaidan didn't wonder if he had stuck to his guns and not abandoned ship, she would still be alive. They had been wrapped up in their own separate types of mourning and guilt, and when the dawn had come, Kaidan went back to the Alliance to resume work as normal with a new drive, while Joker had disappeared into thin air. Of course, he had gone and joined Cerberus to become Shepard's pilot again. Kaidan was well aware that Joker had cursed him after the events of Horizon, Joker later admitting that he had advised Shepard to move on from Kaidan's ass because he didn't know a second chance when he saw one. Kaidan was relieved to see that Shepard didn't listen to Joker's advice and had forgiven him. Still, there had been tension between him and the pilot; it took a series of missions to thaw their relationship and put the history in the past. He remembered what Joker said to him when they put up the names on the Normandy's memorial for the fallen… Kaidan wished he could have a do-over or another opportunity to talk to his friend, to apologize, to understand, to joke around, to play poker and get his ass kicked. Yet it was too late.

He slammed his fist against the wall, instantly regretting it. His knuckles hurt like hell, and his omni-tool had flung against the brick at a high speed, making a metallic crunching sound. That wasn't good at all. Kaidan bent down to pick it up off the floor. From the outside, it appeared fine, only with a few more scratches then it had before. But as soon as he turned on the screen, he knew it had broken. Everything was wonky. It'd likely take a few hours for him to tinker with it and get it back in shipshape.

Perhaps it was for the best. He didn't have time to waste on replying to all of those messages anyway. If he still knew Shepard at all, he knew she would be devastated… and she'd be out for blood. Despite everything, or because of it, Kaidan wanted to be there for her, and as soon as possible.

Leaving the tool shed behind, he made his way up the stairs to his bedroom, blindly filling a bag with clothes, ammo, an extra gun or two, whatever he'd need for several days with Shepard. With a grimace, he realized funeral attire would be required, so he'd have to stop at his parents' house in the city to get his formal uniform, if it was still even there. He hurried back down the stairs.

"I've got to go," Kaidan informed Michaela, gathering up some of his belongings from the kitchen counter.

"What do you mean? Where are you going?"

"Something's happened, I need to go back to Vancouver for a few days," he replied absentmindedly, trying to jam some protein bars into a side compartment of his rucksack.

"What about your dad?" Michaela's voice rose.

At that, Kaidan stopped what he was doing and glanced up. "Could you keep an eye on him while I'm gone?" He prayed she would say yes, even though he felt bad about leaving his father in a time of need and dumping him on a family friend.

She appeared to hesitate, but Michaela nodded her head. "Sure."

He took her by surprise, wrapping her in his arms and putting his forehead against hers. "Thank you. Thank you," he breathed out.

Before Michaela had time to react, Kaidan was already slinging his bag over his shoulder. His dad had wandered into the kitchen, curious about the commotion. Kaidan gave him a fast hug. "I gotta go, dad. I'll be back as soon as I can. Michaela's here if you need anything."

His dad blinked before his face set in a frown. "Where are you- ''

"I love you." They rarely if ever said it to each other, but Kaidan had gone and done it without a second thought. When his dad didn't say anything back, he didn't overthink it and just headed for the door. "Bye guys, and be safe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone. I can confirm that the end is (finally) in sight, and posts will now be on a weekly basis. Heck yeah!


	20. The Raid

Shepard stood over the bleeding batarian at her feet, the tip of her assault rifle pressed to his gnarled forehead as he tried to scoot away from her.

“Stop!” she barked, moving forward with him and keeping the pressure. “Tell me what you know!”

“Or what? You’ve already killed everyone. And you’re going to kill me.” The batarian’s words came out garbled.

“I won’t kill you. They attacked me, they forced me to.”

A bitter laugh escaped from the batarian’s tightly clenched mouth. “You had to. Just like you had to end the entire Bahak System.”

Shepard jabbed her gun into flesh. “Bahak? Really? I get it. I’m sorry. But yeah, that had to happen. Now tell me who shot at me and my friend.”

“Like the others said, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Shepard was beginning to lose hope that’d they get any answers from this disastrous raid.

“I don’t know because we didn’t do it.”

“What now?” Interest renewed, Shepard pulled up her gun for a second. Didn’t need him feeling more reluctant about talking.

“What I said. We didn’t try to assassinate you with a sniper. We weren’t behind the bombing. We’ve been making plans for attacks, but we haven’t followed through yet. We aim to end you and not be as sloppy as those amateurs have been.”

“But all of those threats?”

“Yes, we made threats,” he snorted. “But thousands across the galaxy have also cursed your name.”

“I gotta agree with you on that one. But what about the gun - your gun? It was at the scene of the crime. Serial number traced back to one Dhethan Kar'sewen.”

“Urgh,” Dhethan growled. “I sold it to a black market dealer several blocks away. That was months ago.”

“You sold your sniper rifle for what?”

“Like I’d tell you.”

“Okay, be that way.” Shepard lowered the gun back down against his forehead, her finger gently pressing the trigger.

“Explosives! We needed credits to buy explosives,” Dhethan shouted, his hands coming up to try and wrestle the gun out of her hands.

“Get off.” Annoyed, Shepard abruptly ripped her beloved assault rifle out of his grasp. “Explosives? Like the ones used in the bomb at the coffee shop?”

“No, none like that! We can’t afford that shit. Look down in our basement storage, you’ll find what we have.”

“Uh huh, and how am I supposed to trust you?” Shepard cocked the gun at him again.

“Do what you will. I cannot convince you.” Dhenath’s four eyes closed, and he held himself perfectly still.

Shepard remained holding her gun, but after a sigh, she dropped it on the ground. Dhenath’s eyes popped open and stared at her. She reached for the roll of duct tape in her side pack. Using her omni-blade, she sliced off a portion and tied the batarian’s hands firmly behind his back.

“You’re not going to kill me? Foo – ’’

Shepard slapped on another piece of the festive bright duct tape over his snarling mouth. “Not today, buddy – ’’

“Shep, we gotta go.” Lieutenant Colby poked his head into the room. She realized she could hear the faint sound of sirens in the background.

“Shit. Well, looks like we’re done here, Dhenath. Hope that wound heals nicely. Have a great rest of your evening. Morning. Whatever.”

Shepard picked up her gun once more and stepped over a few bodies on the way to the door. She dropped her snarky tone earlier and tried to speak from the heart as much as she could, considering whom she was addressing. “And for what it’s worth, I think about everyone who has died because of me every damn day. That’s probably not enough for you, but there.”

She stepped through the doorframe, and Colby latched onto her arm. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I’m with you.”

Her gaze travelled lower to the obstacle course of bodies and other debris that lay between them and the exit. How had they gotten here?

* * *

 

_They met at a park near Colby’s apartment. Running early, as always, Shepard waited on a dark park bench. A hoodie hid light military armor underneath it, and loose sweatpants grazed bionic legs covered in leggings and strapped down with extra weapons and ammunition. Her trusty combat boots were tied extra tight with double-knots – gun battles were a bad time to trip over a loose shoelace – and she carried a side pack with any other extra items they might need. The hood of her jacket was over her newly dyed hair so that no one would recognize her on the street._

_Shepard saw Colby walk underneath the streetlight at the exact time they had agreed to meet. “Colby!” she whispered as loudly as she could. “Over here!”_

_He walked in her direction. “Is that you?”_

_“Yes. I’m glad you could make it.” Shepard suddenly felt self-conscious. They hadn’t seen each other in forever and had only spoken briefly on the phone. His face had healed from the skin grafts, leaving only thin scars here and there. She unintentionally lifted her fingers, wanting to run them along those unfamiliar lines, but she snapped back her hand when she realized what she almost did. Colby, dressed in a bulky parka despite the mild weather, kept his own hands firmly in his jacket._

_“Hey, Shep. Long time, no see.”_

_“Yes,” she laughed. “Your doing.”_

_His stoic façade broke a little as a grimace appeared. “Yeah.”_

_“Well, you’re here now, and I really need the help. I appreciate it – and you can back out if you want, if shit goes down, your career – ’’_

_“I understand what I’m doing. I’m not letting you go in there by yourself. And I want to take down the assholes who murdered your friend, too. And keep you, you know, safe.” He looked away from her, glancing over his shoulder as he spoke, but then his head turned back to her. “Did you… your hair.”_

_Shepard touched her forehead, noticing a tuft of red hair had escaped its knot and had drifted into sight. “Yeah.”_

_Colby merely nodded. “Okay then, let’s get things started.”_

_The two walked side by side in the direction of the cell, Shepard breaking down the situation and going over the battle plan._

* * *

 

_Shepard’s gloved fist thumped on the door leading underneath a closed thrift shop in one of the shadier parts of Vancouver. No response. Colby shrugged his shoulders. Sighing, she knocked even harder. “Hello, anybody home?”_

_Colby shook his head, his fingers held up to the make the signal that they were going in. Shepard got her assault rifle prepped in her arms as he went to the door and began to kick it in. After a few tries, the door still wouldn’t budge, and now there was the sound of furniture moving and panic-stricken voices on the other side._

_“Let me.” Shepard took Colby’s place in front of the doorframe and gave the door a firm kick, a loud slam that managed to open it up, revealing a dark and narrow hallway that went on for twenty feet. The two moved swiftly and silently, their backs pressed up against the wall as they headed toward the source of light at the end. A scene of ten or twelve batarians in one large room greeted them. There were several tables covered with computers, and sleeping bags were strewn about along the sides. All of them must’ve been living in that space._

_“Intruders!” the batarian standing in the front of the room snarled. “What do you want?”_

_Shepard reached up to the hood of her jacket and let it fall down her back._

_“It’s Commander Shepard!” another batarian chimed in, his voice dripping with venom._

_“Correct. I wanted to ask you – ’’_

_She was immediately cut off by gunfire. A bullet whizzed past her shoulder before she went retreated into the hallway for cover. Colby ducked under a nearby desk._

_“I just wanted to ask a few questions!” She shouted over the bullets ringing across the room._

_“Die, bitch!”_

_Obviously, they weren’t going to get anything out of the BRM without a fight. Shepard practiced her breathing exercises before standing up straight and leaping into the room._

_A batarian with a pistol to the right, seven feet away. A burst of gunfire, three bullets, hitting their target directly in the forehead. The sound of bullets passing by over her left shoulder. A step to the right, turning around to face another in the opposite corner with an assault rifle. A good one, but not as fast as hers, and with more recoil. Another series of pops, and he went down. Suddenly, she was swept backward, her head slamming onto the bare concrete floor._

_No time or breath to waste on an expletive, she quickly checked the back of her skull, her hand coming back clean and with no deformities felt. Shepard rolled up onto her feet again, taking the briefest of moments to glance down at her armor. A dent had been made right above her right breast, but everything was still intact. Shepard turned to where she believed the bullet had come from, but the shooter was already on the ground._

_“Got your back!” Colby shouted to her, noticing her looking around._

_“Thanks! See our guy?!_

_“Can’t tell, but I saw a guy go underneath the map hanging in the back, there might be an exit!”_

_“Roger!”_

_A batarian shot at her leg, but the bullet didn’t manage to do much damage. Shepard heard him curse before her aim fell upon him, striking him in the stomach. As carefully as she could, she navigated her way to the map on the wall, dodging fire and eliminating any threats as need be. She ripped the thick canvas map down from its tacks, revealing a jagged hole in the wall that opened out into a cramped room. A cramped room which happened to have an escape ladder ten feet in the air, where a batarian was desperately trying to climb to the top._

_“Hey, why don’t you come back down here?” Shepard asked. He kept travelling up, and she noticed she probably wouldn’t be able to catch him. Shepard squinted before taking a shot at his ankle. Startled and screaming in pain, he fell to the ground right by her feet. The batarian reached for a gun at his belt, but she pressed her boot down on it and picked up the weapon. Pinning him to the floor as he struggled, she patted him down and confiscated another gun and a large knife._

_“Alright, sit tight, and I’ll be right back.” She needed to make sure it was safe in the other room before questioning the guy in front of her, but she brought up a photo on her omni-tool. Shepard had found an image of their prime suspect after a little research earlier in the evening. Holding up the image to the batarian in front of her, Shepard could tell it was a match. This was_ _Dhethan Kar'sewen, their guy._

_She stepped out cautiously into the main room, noting that it was much quieter. “Colby?”_

_“Still here, ma’am.” Colby stepped out from behind a couch. “I think all targets are down.”_

_“Okay,” Shepard gulped. She didn’t even want to think about the bloodshed, batarian terrorists or not. “Can you be the lookout while I deal with our man?”_

_“Yes, rodger. Do you need help?”_

_“No, I’m fine.” Well, at least she hoped she was. Time to get some answers._

* * *

 

And now here she was, with even more questions and few answers. Shepard sat with her back pressed against the bedroom door in Colby’s apartment. The sparse and neatly organized space definitely belonged to a military man still firmly rooted in his career. Much of the room was bright white, and she felt guilty for leaving red marks and dirt from her boots and gear, but he had offered up his room for her to change and get cleaned up.

Thinking about what had happened at the BRM cell left her shivering. She had seen her fair share of bloodshed over the years, but lately it managed to rattle her more than ever. Shepard began to strip out of her leggings, removing the straps for her pistol, knife, and extra ammunition. With some difficulty, she managed to make it out of her armor by herself. Retying her hair up in a secure knot, she eyed the clothes Colby had laid out for her on the bed: a pair of his jogging pants and a plain T-shirt. It’d have to do, even though the joggers pooled at her feet. Checking herself out in the mirror in the corner, she confirmed that that she did indeed look like hell. Her hair was frizzy and falling out of the elastic, blood and dirt were still smeared on her skin, and dark circles ringed her eyes. Shepard licked her fingers before rubbed at the marks, a futile attempt to make herself presentable.

A knock on the door. “You okay in there?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Shepard replied to Colby, hurrying to the door and unlocking it. “I’m fine, though I don’t look like it.”

Colby gave her a glance from head to toe. “It’ll do.”

Shepard merely stared at him, caught offguard by how easily he managed to clean up. He was squeaky clean, unlike her, and was dressed in a similar pair of pants and a T-shirt, though his fit him perfectly. Colby must’ve sensed her discomfort, taking the time to step back a few steps.

“You look better than I do,” Shepard grumbled, pulling the loose fabric of the shirt across her torso to emphasize the bagginess, her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. It made Colby laugh, a sound she missed.

“So you going to head on home? Want me to walk back with you?” He was starting to gather his shoes up from the floor.

“Is it okay if I stay here? I mean, only because I don’t want to go back there tonight. What happened there with Joker… the assassins… ’’

“It’s fine.” Colby shuffled his feet. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No, no, I can sleep on the couch.” Shepard brushed past him, intending to throw herself on the couch in question, but Colby stopped her.

“Shepard, I got this.” He glared at her, though there was no real heat behind it.

Shepard frowned. She was going to insist, saying that he didn’t have to be a chivalrous good host, especially since she had dragged him on a failed mission that might destroy his career, but the words died on her tongue. Now they were caught in an awkward position, their bodies in close proximity to each other, Colby’s arm touching her waist, nothing being said. As if coming to his senses about their current predicament, Colby hesitantly released her, though he found himself holding her firmly again when she lunged forward. His mouth was open as if he intended to say something when Shepard swept in, taking him by the lips. Her hands grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him even closer. There was no gentleness, she was pure fire. Colby eased into it after a second, joining her fully. As time went on and the kiss became more aggressive, Shepard rubbed her hips against him, slightly embarrassed to find that she’d have to stand on her tiptoes to reach his hips. Before she could even attempt to do so, Colby’s hands found her waist, pushing her away from him.

“Shepard, what are you doing?” Winded, Colby let go of her and wiped at his mouth.

“Kissing you.” Shepard shrugged.

“Look, I know, you’re amped up from what happened tonight, so you’re not thinking this through-’’

“Excuse me.” She interrupted, her voice ice cold. “I’m not thinking this through?’’

“You’ve got a boyfriend, Shepard. I don’t feel like getting involved in that.That’s why I backed off-’’

“Thanks for that by, the way. Not like I needed one of my few friends around lately.” Her face twisted. This wasn’t the direction she wanted to go in. “I’m sorry. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to. But I would never- we’re not- we’re not really together at the moment. Kaidan and I.”

“Sorry to hear that.” For what it was worth, Colby did sound genuine about it.

Shepard nodded, a smile plastered on. “Taking a break. So I could figure stuff out.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm, indeed.” Shepard stared at her feet. “Mmpf- ’’

Shepard jumped when Colby tilted her chin up to kiss her. He was much more gentle in his approach, though there was still intensity behind it. Shepard began to melt into him, but once again, Colby broke it off.

“What was that for?” She pressed her fingers to her lips.

“I wanted to.” He smirked.

Shepard narrowed her eyes at him. “You didn’t seem interested a second ago.”

“That was before. This is now…. Are you…” Now Colby’s sentence was cut short when Shepard threw herself at him again. The two became a tangled, heaving mass of limbs as they kissed, inching their way to the bedroom. Shepard’s mind was pleasantly blank, and she felt lit from within. All of her dark thoughts faded away.

Colby grabbed the doorframe, stopping their movement into the bedroom. “Shepard.”

Breathless and annoyed at the pause, she answered, “Yes?”

“Are you sure about this?” He was dead serious, his gaze focused straight on her. Colby held her away from him.

“I am.” Shepard couldn’t help but grin. In the very back of her brain, a small part of herself was telling her that she was being a reckless idiot. However, it’d been so hard to escape the past lately, whether it be the war or the shit that kept happening, and to be in the moment during the raid and in Colby’s bedroom, despite how haphazard, felt pretty damn good.

Colby seemed to appreciate her affirmative statement, picking her up from where they were standing.

“Damn, I forgot how heavy you are,” he grunted, struggling to hold her up.

Shepard giggled. Actually giggled. “Bionic legs will do that to you.”

Colby placed her on the edge of the bed, his lips silencing her laugh when he went another for another kiss. “Very funny,” he muttered. Colby left her lounging on the bed for just a second, and Shepard glanced at the ceiling. It was a plan white ceiling. Not like the ceiling tiles from the hospital or the rehab center. Not like the hull of the Normandy either, with the window that looked out onto the stars. The window that had caused her to have a panic attack on more than one occasion when she woke up from a nightmare and thought she was actually drifting in space, suffocating. Not the window that she later came to appreciate when she wound up underneath Kaidan, her gaze flickering to it for the briefest of moments, caught up in the beauty of their surroundings, the infinity of space.

The thought made Shepard feel disoriented, and she squeezed her eyes shut, only opening them again after she heard the bedroom door click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shepaaaard... what are you doing?!
> 
> Hope you guys liked the chapter - was a tough one to write.
> 
> Coming up next time: the long-awaited reunion (!)


	21. Reconciliation

Colby returned to the bed and climbed over her, capturing Shepard's lips in another searing kiss. She didn't return it at first, so he halted for a second. "You okay?" he whispered against her ear.

"Yeah." Shepard reached up to kiss him, grabbing him by the neck and dragging him down against her. His hands roamed her body while she kept his lips firmly on hers, opening her mouth so they could resume exploring each other. Shepard felt herself grow slick, and then Colby pulled her up into sitting position. Shepard dropped her arms, realizing that Colby was getting up to take off his shirt and pants. She was almost too shy to watch him undress. He was tall and almost scrawny, though lean muscles were also quite visible. She blushed when she realized he was staring at her.

Shepard took that as her cue to take off her shirt, ready to rid herself of the unsexy garment, though she was still clad in her bra. Colby came back to her, his hands eager to slip under the cups while his mouth kissed the skin over her breastbone. That was short-lived, as he backed away to help her roll her pants off. Though she typically had no qualms about showing her legs, she was scared in this sort of situation. Colby, however, eased her fears, tracing his hands lightly over the metal even though she couldn't really register his touch. He slowly worked his way up her body, Shepard occasionally reaching lower enough to grasp his erection. When Colby slid underneath her to undo her bra latch, she flinched unconsciously. He frowned and stopped what he was doing.

There was only so much separating them from the inevitable at this point. She was nearly naked and chilly, and now she had cold feet. His long, thin, rough fingers used to holding a sniper rifle were foreign to her. At first, she had responded to the unfamiliar touch, eager to feel the pleasure. As time went on, the cold, hard reality had seeped into her. Yes, she might want this, but not like this. It wasn't fair to anybody.

"Stop, stop," Shepard cried, reaching out to hold him by the shoulders. "I can't."

Colby immediately rolled over to the side. "Are you okay? Did I-''

"No, no, I just can't, I can't." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

The two of them sat in bed silently, a wide gap between them until Colby gently rested his hand on her arm. "Hey, let's get some sleep, yeah?"

"Sure." She smiled, glad to see no resentment apparent. With that, Colby pulled up the sheets over them, and she turned to wrap them up and around her shoulders, choosing to face away from him as she fell asleep.

* * *

_The sheets were silky, the synthetic microfiber that she liked to run her skin against. Shepard was bare, cuddling against the soft fabric. A smile on her face, she opened her eyes. The stars were above her. For a moment, she was left breathless, but a hand low on her hip brought her back to reality. The hand was warm and slightly rough from calluses. Shepard rolled over in that direction and was welcomed by a devouring kiss. She closed her eyes and smirked against the fuller lips as her mouth burned a bit from the stubble prickling at her sensitive skin. Shepard rested a hand on his chest, letting the other hold the back of his head, forcing their kiss to be deeper. His hand dipped to her inner thigh, gently tracing circles on the delicate flesh. She moaned into his mouth, wanting him to go further. His other hand drifted to her breasts, grasping one and rolling a nipple between his fingers. She responded in kind by dropping her hand lower, testing his hardness. She was pleased with what she found and wrapped her hand around him, causing him to gasp. Shepard opened her eyes, and he pulled her on top of him, Kaidan's warm brown eyes poring over her reverently-_

Shepard woke up frustrated, the dream still washing over her. There was a split-second in which she thought it was real, or that parts of it might be real. She turned over in the sheets toward the source of warmth, but her heart dropped when she finally came to her senses. The sheets weren't the ones from the Normandy, and daylight was gleaming over the bed. The sheets also weren't the crisp, scratchy ones from her rehab facility. No, the bedding was a gray flannel. The man tucked in to her left also wasn't the man of her dream. Shepard almost groaned aloud before burying her face in the pillow, not wanting to wake up her bedmate.

Analyzing the situation like she would a plan of attack, Shepard slowly escaped the confines of the bed, moving as stealthily as would on the battlefield. She started picking up her articles of clothing from the previous night off of the floor, carefully tiptoeing around as she did so. Pulling down Colby's loaner shirt over her head, she gave one last glance at him.

To say goodbye or not to? It seemed like bad form to slip out in the morning like nothing happened. Shepard stepped to his side of the bed and hovered over him, working up the courage to wake him. Her nerves got the better of her, so she went for the door; as Shepard's hand clutched the knob, Colby called out to her, causing her to startle.

"Goodbye, Shepard." Colby was propped up on his elbows, his look unreadable.

"How long have you been awake?" Shepard snapped her mouth shut, embarrassed by how squeaky her voice came out.

"A while."

Shepard didn't have much to follow up with, and Colby was cryptic. Was he hurt she was going to leave like that, or about last night, or did he not care at all? Shepard bit her lip and gestured to the front door. "I'm going to head out. Thanks… '' She lost her train of thought, her mind unintentionally flashing back to the events of the previous night.

"Yeah." His response was clipped.

Shepard thought about exiting like that, but she was reluctant to leave things that way. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on, not that I wouldn't want to be with you if things were different now, and I care about you, but shit, I'm really messing this up, aren't I?"

Colby laughed, but then he stayed quiet. Shepard stood there awkwardly, waiting for his next move; when one didn't come, she took the initiative. "Friends?"

"Maybe we should take some time apart, yeah?" Her face fell. "But sure, friends."

"Great, I'd like that." Shepard hesitated before stalking toward him and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for everything. I mean it."

Colby nodded, though his mouth was set in a firm line. "No problem, Shep."

Shepard left Colby's place. Though he seemed crestfallen as she walked out the door, she couldn't help feeling lighter as she departed his apartment. She had a much clearer idea of what she wanted, even if she wasn't sure how to get there.

* * *

Kaidan arrived at Shepard's physical rehab facility the night he had left the orchard. He hadn't had time to repair his omni-tool on the way over, but it didn't matter because now he was here. Kaidan had to go in through the back entrance as the front remained covered in yellow tape cornering off the crime scene, plus there were reporters swarming the place. He thought he almost ran into a woman resembling Diana Allers, but Kaidan nimbly dodged past her on the way to the lobby. The receptionists were all busy dealing with people from the press and concerned residents, so he escorted himself to her room.

When Shepard didn't open the door or respond after several sturdy knocks, he peaked through the crack in the door and noted that her room was dark. It was also completely silent. She wasn't there. The clock on the vid screen playing the news in the hallway read that it was midnight. Was she asleep? Doubtful. Kaidan had trouble believing she would be able to fall asleep so easily after Joker's death. He told himself that she was probably out at a bar or something. He didn't like to think of the alternative - that she was out there going rogue, trying to take down the assassin solo.

Kaidan thought about calling his dad to let him know he had arrived in Vancouver, but the late hour made him reconsider it. There was a hotel a block or two away where he could crash, or he could head to his parents' city house. Neither option really called out to him. He slunk down into one of the softer sofas in the lobby area, deciding to rest his eyes for a while. Maybe Shepard would be back in an hour or two.

Of course, she wasn't. Kaidan drifted in and out of consciousness, always awaking with a startled jump and a quick observation of the time. The next thing he knew, sunlight was pouring in. It was still rather early, based on the lack of people around. If it wasn't for the complete quietness of the room, Kaidan probably wouldn't have noticed Shepard sneak into the lobby through the back on her way to her room.

Her hair was bright red again. If he didn't know better, he'd think she was the Shepard of a year ago. "Shepard!"

Shepard didn't immediately stop and turn around, and Kaidan thought maybe she didn't hear or was avoiding him. He moved to try to catch up with her.

"Shep!"

She stopped and toward him, though it seemed she did so reluctantly. The first thing he noticed looking at her was her weary appearance. "Hey, Kaidan."

Not sure what was the best way to go, Kaidan hugged her, pressing her into him, his fingers reaching to the back of head, tangling in her fiery locks. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "I came here as soon as I heard," he whispered.

Shepard remained quiet and clutched at him.

"How are you holding up?"

She sighed, burying her face into his shoulder.

"Where were you?"

When Shepard didn't respond again, Kaidan untangled himself from her, though he still kept her arms in his grasp. Now that he had time to really study her, he noticed she was in some rather ill-fitting men's clothes, and there were a few smears of grime on her skin. He could feel his heart drop. Of course she hadn't been out drinking with friends at a bar. It had just been a foolish hope. Kaidan's mind raced through the possibilities, and at the top of the list were murder, and guessing by the strange clothes, sex. The thought of it started to trigger the onset symptoms of a migraine.

"We'll talk about this in your room?" It wasn't so much of a question than a demand. Kaidan was afraid she was going to bolt, judging by her wide eyes. Luckily, Shepard merely nodded and led him to the room.

* * *

Once inside, Shepard closed the door and stood there stiffly. What were they supposed to do now? She wished she could just strip out of her clothes. Technically, she could, but it didn't feel like an appropriate time. Kaidan gestured to her bed, and she frowned.

"Just sit," he sighed, sitting down in her desk chair. She climbed atop of her bed, and he scooted the chair closer to her.

"What happened?"

Shepard could see more grey hairs threaded through his hair. The thought of it bothered her. Time was slipping by. Were they stress-related? Had she helped cause this? The wrinkles around the corners of his eyes hadn't deepened. In fact, he appeared younger, but upon closer inspection, she concluded that it was probably from his darker skin tone. Out of space and in the sun had apparently done him favors. Kaidan peeled off his jacket, and she caught a glimpse of his toned arms. Shepard snapped out of it when she raised her gaze to meet him. He was frowning at her.

"Liara told me that the gun traced back to a member of the BRM. So I paid a visit to their cell," Shepard whispered, lowering her head so she didn't have to see his reaction.

"Shepard." Her name fell from his lips with such disappointment that it stung. "Why didn't you just let the Alliance or the police handle it?"

"Ha, as if they could do anything about it. You know how they are now!" She crossed her arms defensively.

"Maybe, but that doesn't make it your-," Kaidan stopped himself. Shepard could tell he was trying to compose himself, obviously frustrated by her. "Fine. How did it go?"

Shepard stared out of the window. "Not great."

Kaidan didn't ask any follow up questions. She turned back toward him. He was staring at her intently, but his face was carefully blank. Shepard took a deep breath and gathered up the courage to tell him everything.

"They attacked us as soon we arrived. It was bad. I'm not sure if any of them made it out alive. We found the suspect, though. But it seems like he didn't do it. Either that or he's a really good liar, but I don't think so. Now I'm back to square one. Joker is dead, and there's someone out there who did this, who killed all of those people at the coffee shop, and it's all because of me. And I can't stop it," her voice broke.

All of a sudden, she felt Kaidan's arms around her, bringing her close to his chest. "This is not your fault, okay?"

She nodded and pressed her face into the crook of his neck, smiling when she noticed he still smelled like that cologne she gave him for this birthday on the SR-1. Ashley had told her about his birthday at the last moment, and Shepard had panicked and decided to buy something for him, receiving some help from Ashley in picking out a woodsy, whiskey-infused scent. Of course, when the Normandy had gone down, that particular bottle was lost, but Kaidan surprised her when he joined her on the SR-2; he had gone out and bought some for himself apparently. It brought back memories.

"Who did you take with you?" Kaidan's question snapped her out of her reminiscing.

"Colby- my old bodyguard." Shepard tried to keep her face as impassive as possible.

"That lieutenant from when you were a councilor? The one in the bombing?"

"Yes, him." She fidgeted, waiting to see if he would press her further.

"That's the guy who kissed you, right?"

Shepard winced. Damn it, she hated how Kaidan could always read her.

"I'll take that as a yes."

She nodded but avoided his gaze.

"When did you go over there?"

"Late last night."

"Okay, well, morning now… where did you go? Did you let the Alliance know what happened?"

"No, alright! I didn't. I knew that everything got fucked up. I stayed at Colby's place." Shepard rested her face in her hands.

"I see." Two words with a lot unsaid, judging by his tone.

She was afraid to see what his reaction was, but she was aware that they needed to address this head on. "I know it looks bad, but- "

"I don't want to hear," he interrupted. Shepard let her hands fall away. Kaidan seemed tired and even a bit lifeless. He had looked like shit when she first spied him slouched on the sofa in the lobby this morning, but it was worse now. She wanted to get up and grab him by the shoulders, give him a shake. She wanted his skin to light up in that shade of blue. She wanted to him to do something, say something, anything.

"I understand, but if you'd let me explain everything, maybe it'd be better."

Kaidan ignored her and avoided catching her eye. "It's been a long day. I should probably head to my parents' place, make sure I have everything for his service…"

He rose from her desk chair and started for the door. Shepard reacted by springing up from her bed and grasping his hand. She tried to not sound too pleading. "Please stay."

At that moment, her omni-tool on her wrist went off. It wouldn't stop vibrating. Shepard glanced down at it. Hackett.

"You should probably get that, Shepard. Seems they've figured out what happened with the BRM."

She closed her eyes firmly and exhaled. He was right. She still didn't let go of his hand.

"I'll be around, Shep." Kaidan squeezed her hand and glimpsed down at her. It was a relief to see him actually look at her, so she let him go. He walked out of her room, leaving her alone with a call that was certainly not going to go well.


	22. The Guest

Shepard almost didn't answer her omni-tool. She thought about avoiding it altogether and crawling into her bed to hide until they came and took her away. Flashbacks to her time spent under arrest before the Reapers attacked raced through her mind. It wasn't torture by any means, but she knew if she faced a trial again, it could mean a grimmer outcome.

She gulped in a deep breath of air, steeling herself as she accepted the call. "Admiral Hackett."

"Shepard. I'm assuming you know why I called," Hackett drawled.

She could deny it and possibly get away scot-free, but she wasn't one for lying to cover her ass. She told the truth no matter the consequences, no matter how unpleasant it was. "I have an idea."

"The BRM cell. Damn it, Shepard, are you asking for every batarian in the universe to put a bullseye on your head?"

"Didn't I already have a bullseye on my head?"

"Don't be glib. What would Captain Anderson say?"

Ouch. Bringing up Anderson was a blow to the gut. He might be disappointed and worried over her well-being, but Shepard's mentor always told her to trust her instincts. "I'm not sure, sir. It's hard to predict what the dead would do."

Shepard expected him to be even angrier, but to her surprise, his voice softened. "I know you two were close." He sighed. "That was certainly your handiwork, but I don't think you went in solo. Who assisted you?"

"You know I can't tell you that." Shepard wasn't going to let Colby take any heat. If anyone's career was going down in flames, it'd be hers.

"We can probably find clearer images from local video surveillance. Things would go smoother if you told me now."

"I doubt you're going to identify anyone. I know how to avoid being caught on cameras, as I'm sure you're aware."

"We'll see. In the meantime, going to have a hell of a time trying to sweep this under the rug."

"A cover-up?" Shepard's jaw dropped.

"If this went completely public, it'd be the start of a civil war, which is not what we need at the moment."

"I don't know what to say…"

"Nothing. You'll say nothing. I know you hate cover-ups as much as I do, but I don't see another way. Now, if you hadn't already retired-"

"You made me retire," Shepard interjected.

"I'd make you resign. Now, if anything comes up like this again, I'm not certain how much protection I could offer."

Shepard's stomach dropped at Hackett's suddenly serious tone. "What do you mean? I don't need protection."

"If you pull another stunt like this, I'm going to be obligated to report it to the Council. They'd revoke your Spectre status."

"I-I won't get into trouble again, sir. Or I'll try not to."

"Good. We'll see how long that lasts," Hackett chuckled to himself. "Did you find out anything during your raid?"

"It wasn't the BRM behind the bombing or Joker's murder. Other than that, I know nothing. What do you know?"

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that."

"Fine," Shepard grumbled, rubbing her forehead. Chastisement and no new information.

"I promise we will find out who is behind this."

"Good luck with your hands tied behind your back."

Hackett made a dismissive noise. "Have faith. Where are you staying?"

The change in subject left her with a bit of whiplash. "Umm… my room at rehab."

"You're staying there?" Shepard could hear the disbelief. "You can't. I'll have someone get you a room at a hotel, send some bodyguards-''

"No bodyguards!" Shepard slowed down after realizing she nearly bit his head off. "Sorry. I can stay at a friend's place."

"Shepard." Hackett sounded exasperated.

"I can take care of myself, Hackett. I promise. I'm sorry for everything."

"Even when you're not in the service, you're a pain in my ass. Stay out of trouble."

Hackett hung up before she could say goodbye. She stood there with her mouth still open. They weren't arresting her or taking anything away. She should feel relieved, but she was left feeling uneasy. More blood on her hands, though she wouldn't atone for it in court – not yet, at least.

Shepard glanced around her room, making a mental list of things she'd need to pack for her stay somewhere else. After briefly considering crashing at Liara's place, she changed her mind. Opening a backpack, she began stuffing in some clothes, toiletries, and her favorite weapons and ammunition. She zipped it up and took off to call a cab.

* * *

Fortunately, Kaidan's parents' house was dark when he went inside because the windows were boarded up. He had visited before heading out to the orchard, but he hadn't had time to take down the wartime reinforcements. His headache was so intense he had a hard time seeing straight on his walk from the driveway to the front door.

His eyes tearing, he used his memory to lead his feet to his bedroom, where he promptly flopped on the bed. The pain might be nearly unbearable, but it was actually a welcome relief of sorts. All he could think about was his blinding migraine, not his emotionally charged conversation with Shepard. He went scrambling in the nightstand drawer, hoping that there would be some leftover meds in there. Tossing aside the pill bottles – that weak stuff would be of no use to him now – Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief when he found a small vial of what Dr. Chakwas typically administered. He ripped a clean syringe out of its packaging, carefully but quickly injecting himself with the pain meds with practiced ease. He withdrew the needle cleanly and pressed a tissue to the site to blot at it. It wasn't instantaneous, but he soon felt the pain ebb away little by little. There was still a throb that reverberated throughout his skull, but he was able to drift asleep.

* * *

A few hours of rest gave him the energy- his headache now a distant pain- to take a cab to the local electronics repair shop, the one he worked at after he came back from Jump Zero. He was disappointed and a bit relieved to see that it was owned by someone else now. When he worked there in his late teens and early twenties before joining the Alliance, he had enjoyed repairing stuff and figuring out how things worked. The owner back then, Sal, had encouraged him to go to college and be an engineer. Instead, he would wallow away all of his free time stoned out of his mind, trying to forgot what had happened and what he was. Not on red sand, of course – Kaidan repressed his biotics as much as he possibly could back then. That shop had been a refuge, and when he was working there with his hands and mind not kept idle, he didn't feel the pull to use and to forget as much. Kaidan quit before taking off for basic training. Before that, he had quit the drugs. There had been a pregnancy scare with one of the girls he slept around with. Even though it didn't amount to anything, it opened his eyes and made him want to get his shit together. Kaidan told his parents, and they sent him to counseling. He moved back home and stayed sober, and then his dad helped him enlist.

It was crazy to think how much his life had changed over the years. His past was nothing like Shepard's; she had been a "golden girl," even keeping it together after her father died. She went to the military college at 18 and got her degree. Always top of her class, no blemishes on her record – until Torfan, of course.

Even though Sal wasn't around at the shop anymore, they repaired his omni-tool right there and at no charge, recognizing him as being part of the Normandy crew and a hometown hero. He attempted to pay them, but they wouldn't have it. Now that he had his 'tool working again, he went back home to give his dad a call and check in.

Determining that his father might appreciate the view from the balcony, he decided to take a spot against the railing when he started the vid call.

Kaidan hasn't expected him to actually answer so fast, so he smiled reflexively as the living room of the orchard house materialized. "Dad?"

"I'm here, Kaidan." His father fidgeted with something off-screen, no doubt tinkering with the controls. He was a mess when it came to technology. Just another of the many differences separating father and son. "God, I miss the bay."

"Yeah, it's beautiful. How are you doing?"

"Fine, same as when you saw me yesterday," he grumbled.

Was it really yesterday that he'd been home? It felt like so much longer. "Right, right. Glad to see you haven't burned the place down."

That earned another noise of annoyance. Kaidan was about to speak again when his father jumped in. "I saw the news about your old pilot. I assume that's why you went back."

"That's right."

"Hmm." His dad stared at him. "Are you okay, son?"

The look of genuine concern on his father's face, a definite break from his recent stony behavior, made Kaidan question whether he was wearing his stormy thoughts on his sleeve. It didn't help that on the forefront of his mind were his mother, Joker, and Shepard."Yes."

"That didn't sound so reassuring. You get those headaches again?"

"Dad, I always have those headaches," Kaidan sighed.

"They hurting you bad? You using again?" His dad suddenly became stern.

"No! I haven't touched that since- "

"Since your commanding officer died."

"That wasn't a relapse, that was- was… anyway, I didn't use for years before that, and I'm not about to now."

"Good. Stay strong."

"Thanks. You too." He was getting ready to say goodbye and hang up when Michaela walked in the frame.

"Hey," she greeted him. "Commander Shepard called here yesterday after you left."

"She did?" If he had been there when Shepard had called, perhaps he could have convinced her to not go through with her plan to raid the cell. It was too late for what-ifs though.

"Yeah, she wanted to talk to you. I told her you were out. She seemed kind of upset."

Kaidan groaned. "Did you tell her that I was going to go see her?"

"You left in a rush. All you said is that you had to go back to the city." Michaela frowned.

"Great," he muttered. "I'm sorry. It's just been a long day."

"Don't worry about it," Michaela accepted his apology. "I'm assuming you met up with her? How did it go?"

Kaidan's dad grunted and shook his head, getting up from the couch and walking away. He was still irked that his son had engaged in a reg-breaking relationship with his commanding officer. Plus, he wasn't one for what he called "girl talk."

"Not well." Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair, absentmindedly smoothing it back. "She's… the same person. I don't think she knows what she wants still. And… never mind."

Michaela nodded. "Well-''

The doorbell chimed faintly, causing her to pause. Kaidan realized that it was coming from his house, not on the other side. "Hey, I gotta answer that. Talk to you later."

Kaidan closed out of the vid chat and entered the house, making his way to the front door. He observed the vid screen to the left that showed the camera feed of the patio. Staring back at the camera was Shepard, a large backpack slung over her shoulder, giving a slight wave to the camera.

Kaidan leaned his forehead against the cool wall. He contemplated not answering, but she probably knew he was in the house. With reluctance, he opened the door. "Shep."

She gave him a smile, straightening up and adjusting the pack on her back. "Long time, no see."

Kaidan kept his face and his tone blank, though he had to admit he was curious. "Why are you here?"

"Right, about that. It seems I need a new place to stay at, and I hoped you might accommodate me…"


	23. Reunions

"So can I stay?" Shepard tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, a reliable indicator that she was nervous.

Kaidan stood there at the open door, frowning as he struggled to respond. "You want to stay here?"

"Well, yeah." She tugged at her backpack, shifting the weight.

His brows furrowed. "Why?"

Shepard shrugged off her pack and dropped it to the ground. "Ugh, that's heavy." She rolled her shoulders around. "Can't stay at my place. Liara's office and apartment are a little too high profile. Everyone else is out of town or otherwise unsuitable. So I looked up some old files to find the address, and here I am."

"Uh huh." Kaidan had left Shepard's place to relax and process. Having her show up on his doorstep unannounced was not exactly conducive to that. Then again, he couldn't imagine turning her away. She looked at him expectantly, one hand still holding her backpack strap. He backed away to let her through. "Alright."

"Thanks, Kaidan," Shepard murmured, following him into the house.

Kaidan led the way to his bedroom before he realized what he was doing. They did share her room on the Normandy, though sharing a room now felt awkward with the current tension. He hesitated. Kaidan always kept most of his belongings in the observatory, so perhaps having separate rooms wouldn't be that big a deal. "Sorry, back to the right."

He opened the door to the guest bedroom, gesturing for Shepard to go inside.

"Here?" She tried to play it coy with a raised eyebrow, but Kaidan could hear a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"Yeah. I'm just down the hall back there if you need anything. Towels are in the linen closet just outside to the left…" he trailed off as Shepard checked out the room.

She pulled back on the blackout curtain, revealing a boarded window. "Nice view."

"While I'm staying here, hopefully I'll get around to fixing up the place."

Shepard nodded absentmindedly, moving on to examine knickknacks on a shelf. Kaidan figured he would leave it at that for the moment. "I'll let you settle in then?"

"Sure." She set down the commemorative teacup she had been eying, turning and giving him a warm smile. "Thanks again. I mean it."

"No problem, Shep." Of course, her staying was in fact a problem. Kaidan didn't like being cornered. He needed time away to carefully construct what he wanted to say, otherwise things like Horizon happened. Kaidan needed weeks just to put together that short email he sent to her, and even then Shepard had eventually admitted that it had pissed her off more than it helped.

He fled the guestroom, taking the opportunity to get some time for himself.

* * *

 

Shepard had long since unpacked her belongings and familiarized herself with her surroundings. She was crashed on the bed, collecting her thoughts. The events of yesterday kept replaying in her mind. She had so many things she wanted to say and to ask. Kaidan liked to distance himself from issues, letting him work them over in his mind, a process that could definitely take time. Shepard, however, was used to making quick calls, taking action and doing the best she could with the information available… which is probably how they got in this position in the first place.

But if there was anything Shepard had learned from the deaths of her friends- and her own death- it was that life was short. She rose from the bed, deciding that she had given him enough time.

It didn't take long to find Kaidan. He was in his mom's office; the walls were decorated with dried flowers in frames and old photographs of their family. Shepard was fascinated by the images and smirked as she recognized a young Kaidan. Meanwhile, Kaidan was attempting to organize a bookshelf that had fallen over.

"Need any help?" Shepard asked.

That seemed to startle him. He dropped the book in his hands with a thud. "Jesus, Shep."

"Letting me sneak up on you?" she teased.

Kaidan stood up and dusted himself off before reaching for a half-empty glass of whiskey resting on the desk. "I guess so," he sighed. "Distracted looking at all of my mom's books."

"Your mom…"

His lips pressed into a firm line, and he shook his head. "She's dead."

"Oh God, Kaidan, I'm so sorry." Shepard wanted to reach out and hug him, but she hesitated. Shepard put aside their conflict though, choosing to just go for it. He was stiff at first, but then she felt him relax. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close but keeping it merely platonic. "Is there anything  
I can do? Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not right now at least. I'm all talked out about it." At Shepard's questioning look, he went on. "I never thought I'd be saying this, but yeah, my dad and I have been talking a lot lately."

"That's good. I-I think I saw him when I called your house yesterday." She dropped her gaze to the floor, trying to conceal her curiosity about the woman who picked up the call.

Kaidan slowly let go of her. "Michaela said you called."

Shepard nodded and bit her lip. She wanted to ask, but the words wouldn't come out. It seemed like an inappropriate time. And people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, or something like that.

"Hey," Kaidan tilted her chin up, his touch surprising her. "What's wrong?"

Shepard mulled her reply, selecting her words wisely. "Nothing." She paused. "Who is she by the way? Michaela?"

"She lives across the street, and she's staying at my parents' place while her house is getting worked on." He squinted at her. "Why? Did you think-"

"No," she blurted before gathering herself. "Just curious. I hadn't heard from you in a while. I messaged you a few times and nothing. Then I call your place, and there's some woman I don't recognize, and your dad is there. And he's been there for a week or more. And you never even told me."

Kaidan frowned. "Michaela's a friend. That's it. Ever since we found my dad, I've been kind of busy." He scratched at his chin, more than a day's worth of five o'clock shadow covering his jaw. "I'm sorry, I thought about you. I saw the messages you sent. As soon as I heard about Joker, I came as fast as I could."

Shepard's face twisted at Joker's name. Hearing it again brought all of it back to her. The wound was too fresh. "Yeah, well," she muttered. She blinked away the water gathering in her eyes." Did you get the one where I said I missed you?"

"I did," Kaidan took a swig of his drink.

"It's true." She anxiously picked at her jacket sleeve and then let her arm drop. "About last night-"

"I don't-"

"I didn't sleep with him, with Lieutenant Colby, if you were wondering. If it matters."

Kaidan grimaced as he squeezed the glass in his palm, but he didn't glance up at her.

"I had feelings for him, yes. We might have made out, whatever you want to call it. But I couldn't do it. I can't."

"And why's that?" Kaidan exhaled.

"Because-" Shepard always had trouble saying it. Her mother was never an affectionate person, and she tended to keep her friends and her exes at a distance, too. "I'm still in love with you. I love you."

That got his attention. Kaidan stared back at her. His expression read hopeful to her, but then he let out a laugh that sounded bitter to her ears. "I love you, Shepard. But I don't think you know what you want anymore. I was standing right in front of you weeks ago, ready to start our lives together. You almost fu-skept with someone last night, and now less than 24 hours later, you're telling me-"

The doorbell rang, cutting off whatever Kaidan was going to say. He threw his hands up in the air in frustration, and Shepard cringed. "I think I know who that might be."

"Who?"

"James. Or Miranda. Or Jack. Or Liara. Or any combination of them, really."

"Why are they coming here?" Exasperation radiated off of him.

"Joker's funeral is in 2 days, and everyone's coming back to town for that. And..." she trailed off.

".. and?"

"I may have asked for their help. Grouping up just like the old days."

Kaidan groaned. "Fine."

Shepard was prepared to defend the idea, but she paused once she figured out that he had actually agreed. "Wait. What?"

"I want to find Joker's killer as much as you do. As for the authorities, that didn't stop me from joining you in going after Saren." His eyes warmed, and Shepard wondered if he happened to be thinking of their almost-kiss when the Normandy was grounded… or what came later before the final run.

"That's true."

"Plus, it's better to go in with a team than to have you running off…" he sighed, frustration erasing the warmth that had just been there. "I better get that."

Shepard nodded and followed him out and down the hallway. She diverted to the living room, instantly enthralled by the windows that overlooked the bay. Shepard could barely make out Kaidan's voice from the front door, but she strained her ears. James' booming greeting was certainly distinguishable, but she was surprised when she also picked up on Jack's lower tone.

Not bearing to wait any longer, Shepard headed for the front door, meeting the three of them in the entryway. Kaidan was looking away and relocking the door when she snuck up, so he didn't see what made her jaw drop. Jack and James must not have heard her approach because James lowered his head to give Jack a quick peck on the cheek, causing Jack to retaliate with a punch to one of his bulging arms, but she had a dopey smile on her face as she lashed out, and James did too. Both looked like deer caught in the headlights when they finally realized she was there, their eyes widening and bodies swiftly snapping away from each other.

"Hey-y-y, Lola." James blushed, while Jack rolled her eyes, but she titled her head in Shepard's direction to acknowledge her.

Shepard raised a finger and pointed back and forth between James and Jack. "Is this a thing now?"

Kaidan turned around to join them, completely oblivious. "What?"

At first, the two of them struck her as an odd pair. James was all flirting and macho bravado, and Jack was all edges. Then the similarities started to dawn on her: the tattoos, the hair, the lack of logic and getting lost in a fight, the sensitivity hidden underneath a tough exterior… the more Shepard thought about it, the more it made sense.

James began to mumble incoherently, but Jack cut him off. "Maybe we are. That a problem?"

Shepard smiled. "No. In fact, I think it's pretty cute."

Kaidan had a slightly delayed response, but he chuckled. "I gotta agree with Shep."

"Cute?" Jack scrunched up her face.

"I'll take it!" James beamed, reaching out and pulling Jack closer to him.

"How long have you two been together? Wait, but how did you guys even—'" Shepard's prodding was interrupted by another damn doorbell.

"Oh yeah, thought I saw a car following behind us." James let go of Jack again, and she went back into her usual pose of crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Kaidan had already greeted their latest guest, and out into the hallway stepped Miranda, looking cool and composed as ever, but with a new pixie haircut.

"Miranda!" Shepard cheered.

The two of them weren't huggers, resorting to a firm and lengthy handshake. "Shepard, good to see you."

Jack ran her hands over her own short hairstyle, not able to contain the mirth that sprung up in her eyes.

"Loca, knock it off," James whispered, nudging her.

Miranda didn't seem to hear. Shepard knew that Jack and Miranda had grown closer, especially in the months after London, but there would probably always be some sort of clash between them. They were night and day.

"All right, everybody. Want to head to the living room?" Kaidan corralled the group.

"Let's do this thing." Shepard tugged on Kaidan's sleeve. "Wait, where do you keep the beer?"

* * *

 

The sun had gone down by the time Liara had arrived. All of them were spread across the room with the floor-to-ceiling windows, nursing some bottled local beers that Kaidan had left over in the fridge. Miranda was perched on a stiff chair by the fireplace, her perfect posture intact as always. Jack and Vega offered to take the two armchairs next to each other instead of the couch, but Kaidan had insisted the two of them sit together. Instead, he and Shepard sat down in the chairs, dragging them away from each other and closer to the group.

They had a brief rundown of what everyone had been doing for the last several months. Miranda did a little spiel on the advancements that were being made at the research hospital in London, and she shared pictures of her sister. Kaidan listened raptly as she spoke about her work; he had always respected Miranda for her capabilities, a respect that was mutual, even though they didn't see eye-to-eye on certain issues.

Jack told them all about the school for troubled biotic kids, dropping names as she told stories about them. Though her words often poked fun at them, Kaidan could tell she really cared about the kids. He found himself thinking of his squad from the war, wondering what they were up to. A pang of jealously resonated within him. Jack's life was one he could easily picture for himself.

Vega's N7 training was still ongoing, but he was the apple of many of his instructors' eyes, and the other candidates were also a bit in awe of him. Well, at least according to Vega. He had a new tat on his back that he had gotten with some of his new buddies. Other than that, the only new thing going on with him was his relationship with Jack. Apparently, there had been a connection between them the few times they met during the war. After Vega got back home, the two had spoken via omni-tool and agreed to meet up during a brief break from his training, and the rest was history. It was long distance, but they were making it work. They each appreciated their own space anyway.

Seeing the way Jack and Vega interacted left Kaidan feeling uncomfortable. If anyone had picked up on Shepard and Kaidan keeping their distance, no one said anything. Meanwhile, even if they weren't trying to, Vega and Jack were all over each other. Kaidan was amused to find that Miranda was also put off from the lovebirds, her lips scowling in disapproval, or perhaps disgust, as they kissed.

Kaidan had shared the news of what happened to his parents and prattled on about the weather and the work he was doing on the house to avoid getting in depth about bleaker subjects. Everyone asked Shepard about what was going on with her, carefully avoiding the topic of Joker. Shepard demurred when the questions got too close.

Luckily, Liara saved them for what had been a painfully awkward situation. Miranda, seemingly repulsed by Vega and Jack slipping in another kiss, had made a snide remark, asking when they would be hearing wedding bells for the two of them. That had thrown them them off, causing Jack to instantly jump apart from Vega. "Yeah, you should be asking when they're getting married!" Jack had gone off, clearly indicating Kaidan and Shepard. Her cheeks reddened shortly thereafter. If Kaidan had to guess, Shepard had shared with her at least part of what had been going on in their relationship.

Kaidan wasn't angry that Jack knew or upset that the whole thing had been mentioned. He simply felt unsure, and to be honest, sad. Kaidan caught Shepard giving him a glance from the side. If he read her expression correctly, maybe she was experiencing the same emotions.

Before Jack could apologize and change the subject, or before another foot-in-mouth comment could be made, the chime went off, and Shepard was already gone before he realized it. The four of them sat there making small talk before Liara and Shepard emerged some fifteen minutes later.

"Hello, everyone." Liara entered, a vid screen clutched to her chest. "It's good to see you again."

Kaidan went in for a hug. They might not have gotten along all of the time, but she was an original member of the Normandy, and to him, that meant she was family. Even if she did have eyes for the same woman he liked at some point. Liara returned his embrace, sharing condolences for Joker.

When the group was settled down, Kaidan couldn't help noticing that their inner circle wasn't like it used to be. Wrex was off on Tuchanka, Garrus and Tali were on Rannoch, and Steve was in the process of adopting a kid with his new boyfriend. Others… others like Joker were no longer with them.

Liara cleared her throat, drawing the attention of everyone. She lowered the vid screen she had been showing, adjusting it so that it was visible to all. "I thought you might want to see this. As you may know, there's been some progress with the relays lately. Some of the communication satellites are working in certain areas."

She pressed a button on the side, and it came to life. On the screen appeared Garrus and Tali, their heads filling up much of the box, but glimpses of the sky of Rannoch were visible.

"Garrus… Tali…" Shepard's voice cracked. Kaidan turned to check on her and was surprised to see her eyes glistening.

"Yes, it's us, Shepard." Garrus answered from the other side. Shepard's hand went to her mouth.

"Keelah!" Tali's voice, though coming through her suit, also sounded as affected as Shepard's.

"It's you guys! I don't understand, this is live, this isn't a vid message?" Shepard asked Liara, who nodded her head, her lips turned up at the corners.

"They just restored telecommunications with Rannoch. It's not public knowledge yet."

"It's great to have communications up and running again," Tali confirmed. "Shepard… it's so good to see you. You look well. We were so afraid… we didn't know…"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Shepard wiped at her eyes.

"We're sorry we didn't come back with the Normandy – we wanted to see you-" Garrus added.

"Don't worry about it. How are you two?"

"We're doing great. Actually just began breaking ground on the house. Want to see?" Tali asked excitedly.

The whole room expressed interest, and Tali and Garrus held out the omni-tool they were using, taking them on a tour of the construction site. The camera reflected back the beautiful vistas of the planet, where Tali had managed to snag prime real estate. Kaidan had the urge to squeeze Shepard's hand, knowing she was probably thinking about Legion. Seeing Rannoch come together and her best friends again was overwhelming enough.

Shepard led the conversation, but they all chit-chatted and caught up. The conversation was light, but Garrus eventually brought up the topic on everyone's minds.

"Liara told us what happened with Joker," he said, dipping his head down slightly, his voice gravelly.

"We're so sorry. We wish we could be there," Tali included. Kaidan obviously couldn't see her visage, but if he had to guess, she was starting to cry underneath the mask.

"Me, too. I wish you guys were here, but I'm so happy for you." Shepard's bittersweet smile tugged on Kaidan's heartstrings.

"You catch the bastard who did it, Shepard." Typical Garrus.

"I'm going to try."

"I know I'm not there to watch your six, but…"

"We'll make do. Now if you excuse me, I've got a meeting to run and plans to be made and a bastard to kill."

"That you do."

"Take care of yourself, Shepard," Tali pleaded, then whispered to Garrus, likely admonishing him for pushing Shepard to be reckless.

They all said goodbye to Garrus and Tali, promising to call them back once they knew more. Liara turned off the call, but she kept the vid screen in her grasp. "Shepard?"

"Alright," she responded, her demeanor back in infamous Commander Shepard mode. "Tell me everything you know."

 


	24. In the Dark

The room's attention was drawn to Liara, though Shepard's gaze was glued to her hands. Shepard had spoken with Liara when she answered the door, whispering details about the last 24 hours and getting the latest intel. At Shepard's request, Liara agreed to lead the discussion.

"How much do you all know about the attack on Shepard and Joker? Did you read the dossier I sent?" Liara inquired.

Everyone nodded their heads diligently.

"So the weapon used in the attack was traced back to a batarian associated with the Batarian Resistance Movement. I believe this most recent attack is related to the bombing of the coffee shop, with Shepard being the intended target. However, Shepard has survived, though there have been casualties. For obvious reasons, we must find who is behind these assassination attempts before they strike again."

"Damn straight," James muttered under his breath.

"So it's those batarians, right?" Jack interjected.

Miranda huffed. "I think the situation is slightly more complex. Whoever is behind this either is incompetent or has a different objective because Shepard is still amongst the living."

"The attacks might be more complicated than they appear, yes, and it is doubtful that the BRM was actually behind the bombing or the shooting. The weapon has since been traced back to a pawn shop. The Alliance investigated it, but the owner has not been found, and video surveillance from the last week appears to have been erased."

"That's convenient," Kaidan sighed.

"Doesn't mean it wasn't the batarians." James took a swig of beer and then pointed the bottle at Shepard. "Those pendejos got it out for you."

"No, like I said, we doubt it." Liara paused. "The news has been kept tightly controlled, but there was a raid on the city's BRM compound last night, and then-"

"Liara," Shepard interrupted. She didn't want to lie to her friends. Shepard had trusted them with her life, and they had done the same. If they were going to help her out, they deserved the whole picture.

"They denied all involvement, and many are deceased-" Liara continued.

"Liara, it's okay." Shepard stared at her. Liara looked a little abashed, but she acquiesced, keeping silent. "I raided the BRM cell last night."

Liara and Kaidan had no reaction, already aware of the events, but James let go of his bottle. Miranda's face went white, while Jack just went, "Hmm."

"Shit." James picked up his beer up off the carpet, but it had already spilled.

"Let me if I can find something to clean that up." Kaidan got up as James did too, gesturing for him to sit back down. "I'll be right back."

Shepard remained silent as Kaidan left, allowing a few seconds for her to gather her thoughts. "I went in to ask them questions about the shooting. They instantly attacked us, and the suspect tried to escape. I was able to speak with him. Don't get me wrong, they did want to kill me, but I don't think they were behind the attacks."

"So the Alliance went in with you?" James asked.

"No, Shepard's retired." Jack rolled her eyes. "Remember?"

"Are the Spectres and the council involved then?" Miranda raised an eyebrow. "Seems reckless. I'm surprised Alenko would participate-"

"He didn't. No Alliance, no Spectres. Just me."

"But you said `they attacked us`?"

"I think what Shepard was trying to say-" Liara attempted to help.

"You're right." Shepard butted in, rubbing at the tension currently plaguing her temples. "I wasn't alone. I asked someone to help me."

"You didn't ask any of us?" James chipped in.

"You guys weren't exactly available!" She didn't mean to shout, but it came out sharp.

"All you had to do is call, or I don't know, fucking wait for us, and we would've dropped all of our shit to help you out." Jack's words were harsh, but Shepard knew there was compassion behind them. Still, she kept quiet, not sure what to say.

"You knew we would be disapproving," Miranda remarked. "That's why she didn't ask us."

Shepard dropped her head, knowing she was right on the money.

"So you took him, didn't you?" Miranda appeared bemused. "I suppose the cards were on the table, so to speak."

"Who?" James and Jack asked at the same time. Liara, meanwhile, suddenly became very interested in clearing up the empty bottles and trash.

"I-I don't know who you're talking about." She had protected Colby's identity from Admiral Hackett, and if she could get away with doing it here, she would.

"Oh, I think you do. He was my patient, too." Miranda was completely oblivious to Shepard's discomfort, or she thought it was merely fun teasing.

"Miranda…" Shepard tried to cut her off, a blush rising on her cheeks. "He's a soldier, it made sense, and I trust him-"

"You have a thing for lieutenants, don't you?"

"Enough," Kaidan snapped, shutting up both Shepard and Miranda. He had returned with a rag and some cleaning solution, handing them over to James, who was sitting there with his mouth ajar. Rather than going back to his chair, Kaidan stood up against the window, his arms crossed and expression stormy.

"Right," Miranda murmured. "I apologize."

Shepard was angry at her friend, but she wanted to move on. "It's fine. Let's focus on what's important. Liara?"

"As I was saying, our theory is that the BRM is not involved. Without much else to go on, I've run some information through the system this past week, trying to see who would want to kill Shepard, and who has access to the type of explosives used in the bombing. There have been several matches, and I've given them to the authorities or researched them further myself. So far, nothing. However, I think it might be worthwhile to pay a visit to some of them."

"Isn't that what Girl Scout did with the batarians and ended up shootin' them all?" Jack looked confused.

"Uh, yes, I suppose," Liara stumbled. "But we just want to talk to them. Perhaps Shepard and anyone else recognizable should stay back."

Everyone jumped in to volunteer, but Shepard shushed them. "Alenko, Vega, you can't. Your faces have been plastered all over since the war. It's been a while, but not long enough for people to forget the war heroes who were stranded on the Normandy. You can stay here with Liara and me."

"So that leaves…" Miranda trailed off.

"Me and you, princess." Jack slammed her beer bottle down on the table. "Fine. Let's go."

Miranda sighed. "While I cannot wait to work with you in the field again, if you looked outside, you might be able to tell that it's nearly midnight."

"Miranda's right," Shepard yawned. "Let's reconvene in the morning."

"I'm going to head home for the night. I will see you all then." Liara gathered up her belongings and said goodbye to everyone, leaving Jack, Miranda, and James with Shepard and Kaidan.

"If you want, you guys can crash here tonight," Kaidan offered as he started cleaning up the room and shutting off the lights.

"Hey, man, that would be great, thanks!" James pulled him in for one of his patented sideways bro hugs, which Kaidan awkwardly returned.

"You and Jack okay sharing?" Jack's eyes narrowed at Kaidan. "I'm going to take that as a yes?"

"May I stay as well? I have a hotel room booked in the city, but if we're going to meet in the morning anyway…" Miranda asked.

"Sure, no problem." Shepard could see Kaidan's wheels turning. "Jack and Vega can have the master, and you can have my old room, just let me clear it out."

Kaidan retreated to his room, but Shepard followed him. He was already stripping the bed and changing the sheets when she got there. "If Miranda's sleeping here, where are you going to?" she asked quietly.

"I'll sleep on the couch in the living room," he grunted as he fussed with the bedding.

"It's your house. I'm the one who invited everyone over. You deserve to sleep in your bed." Kaidan didn't reply. "I'll sleep on the couch."

Shepard had already turned on her heels and was going to march out to defiantly take her spot in the living room, but Kaidan reached for her shoulder. "Wait. You can't sleep on the couch."

"Why? Because it will look weird? News flash, it will if you sleep on the couch, too."

"Fine."

"Fine, then. You can share my room?"

Kaidan seemed wary, but it was too late for them to be stuck at an impasse. Kaidan got everyone setup for the night, while Shepard settled in. She was nearly asleep by the time he returned to her room, dressed in pajama pants and a T-shirt, his hair wet and slicked back from the shower. Shepard considered feigning sleep, but he was opening up the closet and rustling things around.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"Getting a comforter and a mat or something," Kaidan whispered back.

"Are you sleeping on the floor?" Maybe if it wasn't so dark in there, he'd notice Shepard was glaring at him. "Get up here."

Shepard slapped the top of the bed, but all she heard back was his sigh. "We can sleep on completely separate sides, no touching, if that makes you happy," she spoke softly. The thought that Kaidan couldn't stand to be so close to her made her stomach drop, but if they were going to fix things, she needed to tread carefully.

"You know that doesn't make me happy." He closed up the closet, and Shepard was relieved, believing he was going to come join her. However, she saw him crouch down and begin to assemble a makeshift sleeping area on the floor.

Shepard threw herself back on the pillows. She shouldn't be surprised. Kaidan's stubborn nature hadn't improved much over the years, despite his best efforts.

Kaidan turned off the lights suddenly, and complete darkness washed over the room. Shepard's heart raced, and she shut her eyes. Everything was fine, Kaidan just turned off the lights. She wasn't blind, she wasn't dead. Ever since the Normandy had gone down, she'd been afraid of total darkness. It reminded her of death. She knew it was illogical, but her body reacted without thinking. The fear was never one she had to admit to before because the ship always had some sort of light on, but here on Earth in this strange house, there was no control over it.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan's voice caused her to open up. Luckily, she had adjusted to the lighting and now noticed a faint glow coming from underneath the door crack. She must've let out some sort of noise to give her away.

"Yeah," she mumbled. Honesty. Honesty. "I don't like the dark."

Kaidan cursed under his breath. "Do you need me to get a night light or something?"

"No, I'm alright now." She kept her gaze locked on the faint trail of light.

"Let me know if you need anything," he murmured. "Good night."

"Good night, Kaidan."

Shepard rolled over and tried to get comfortable, but her mind was running a mile a minute. Based on the sounds she heard coming from the floor, Kaidan was also restless.

"You know, Joker would still be alive if I had died after I fired the Crucible. Those people in the café, too. And those batarians," she laughed bitterly. "How many people are going to get caught in the crossfire?"

"Shepard, how many times have we all said this? It isn't your fault." She had guessed correctly; Kaidan hadn't fallen asleep.

"I know," Shepard whispered.

They both fell silent. It wasn't until several minutes later that Shepard spoke again. "Sometimes I think the universe is just trying to right itself. There were so many times that I should've died. Or stayed dead, really. It keeps trying and trying, but I won't go, and it'll go on forever until I do. Maybe I should let it have me."

"No." He repeated more emphatically, "No. What are you even talking about?"

"Letting it happen. Dying once and for all. I got the Reapers. Mission accomplished. I wasn't supposed to live, and it's becoming more and more apparent."

"Are you talking about killing yourself?" Kaidan's voice rose.

"I wouldn't kill myself. Maybe I wouldn't be as aware of my surroundings, or I wouldn't dodge a bullet as fast as I should, or I wouldn't keep pressure on a wound. Let things go. Quit forcing myself to deny the inevitable."

Kaidan sat up, his shadowy form barely visible. "Shep."

The intensity with which he said her name caused her chest to tighten. "Forget it. It's just something I think about at night."

The mattress dipped, startling Shepard, but it was only Kaidan getting onto the bed. "The floor's hard."

"I bet."

Kaidan settled in next to her, but he kept a respectful distance between them. Shepard instantly reveled in the warmth he brought. His body temp ran higher because of his biotics, something she didn't mind at all because her limbs were frequently as cold as ice. 'You scare me."

"Don't worry about it. I'm not going to do anything. It's silly stuff that runs through my brain." She was embarrassed by her confession now.

He put a hand of her arm. "It's not silly. You should talk to someone."

The contact had felt like a victory of sorts despite her dark train of thought, but now she pulled away from his touch. He was right. She had needed someone. He hadn't been there though, and he might not be there for her in the future. "I'll keep it in mind. We should get some sleep."

"Alright." Kaidan sounded defeated. The two turned to face away from each other, both hugging the edges of the mattress. Shepard was secretly pleased that he didn't go back to the floor, despite the unnerving pillow talk they had. Surprisingly, she fell asleep only minutes later.


	25. In the Field

Shepard, Kaidan, Vega, and Liara huddled around the kitchen table at Kaidan's parents' house, omni-tools and computers out, furiously researching as Jack and Miranda were out on the ground, checking up on the people Liara had marked for further investigation. The two were going to play a couple of radicals looking for a group that shared their viewpoint. Neither had received much time in the limelight during the war, so they didn't need to go overboard with their disguises. Miranda had her short haircut, and Jack cleaned up, though Miranda forced her to put on a dress that she had in her suitcase to further conceal her identity.

Kaidan downed his cup of coffee instantly. Sleep had eluded him last night, leaving him feeling sluggish. Jack and Miranda had taken earpieces with them, and Vega insisted on having Jack's receiver, while Shepard had taken up Miranda's. The morning hours passed by, and Jack and Miranda had yet to encounter anyone they considered suspicious.

Kaidan couldn't hear what was going on with Jack and Miranda, but just as he was considering what was for lunch, he heard Vega and Shepard talking excitedly. They apparently had found a suspect, and Shepard relayed to Liara information about him. "What's going on?" he mouthed to Shepard, who ignored him.

From what Kaidan could understand, Jack and Miranda were heading back. He waited until Shepard unclipped her headset to ask again. "What's going on?"

"They found someone. This Favian Tasso? He didn't come out and say it, but he was very suggestive when discussing the bombing," Shepard answered.

"Sounds like a douche from what I heard," Vega muttered, removing his headset too.

Kaidan followed up, "Why was he on the list?"

Liara turned around the vid screen she had been using. "His name has been dropped by some human supremacists who were interrogated. It was a stretch; all we had was some chatter about him. He might be the leader of his own type of group, but I don't know how they would have access to explosives. He's only a nightclub owner."

"So is he ex-Cerberus?" Shepard jumped in. Great, more human supremacist assholes. Hopefully, Cerberus hadn't risen from the dead. Kaidan was glad to be rid of them.

"I haven't been able to find a connection so far, but I will continue looking into it."

Kaidan got up to pour himself another cup, even though it was after noon. He needed to be on his A game if they were going out to see this suspect. "What's next?"

"That's the interesting thing," Shepard replied. "He asked Miranda to his club tonight. Apparently, Mr. Tasso liked what he saw."

"What about Jack?" Liara asked.

Shepard scratched at her ear, letting go a little laugh. "He wasn't into her. Miranda said she came off surly and nearly blew the whole thing."

"Well, what does a cabron like him know about anything?" Vega grunted, getting up from his seat. "We can't just let Miranda walk in there by herself."

"What are you suggesting then? Shepard go in there, or Liara? Not going to work."

"I'll go in there with her then."

"Not going to happen," Shepard sighed, lowering her head to the table. "We need someone less recognizable-"

"And less brash," Kaidan finished her sentence, but spoke quietly so only she would hear it. Shepard glanced up at him, her mouth turned up at the corner. It felt good to make her smile or laugh, even in the middle of a mission.

"If none of us can assist Miranda, who are you proposing to go with her?" Liara asked, grabbing Shepard's attention.

"Clearly someone human," Kaidan answered, mentally going through the possibilities. He knew good soldiers, and he was sure some were in the area, but it was also a matter of trust. He also didn't know them well enough to have them put their lives and careers in jeopardy.

"Anything? James? Kaidan?" Shepard prodded them, her tone almost pleading.

Vega shook his head. "I could ask one of my old squadmates, but…" Kaidan offered.

Shepard groaned. "I know someone."

"Who?" It was Vega who spoke up.

Shepard lifted her head up from the table, looking at Kaidan straight on. She didn't have to say anything else. He had already figured it out. "Are you serious? Him?"

"I trust him," Shepard whispered.

Vega bobbed back and forth between them, probably trying to piece together what they were talking about. Liara had gone still. Kaidan twisted away from her, resting his hands on the counter and straightening his back. Did she really expect him to be okay with this?

"Who are we talking about?" Vega butted in.

Both of them ignored the question, though Kaidan spoke up. "I'll go with Miranda."

Shepard started fidgeting with her omni-tool as if she was going to message her guy. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"It'll be fine, I'll wear a disguise," he assured her.

"Hey, why not me instead of him?" Vega grumbled.

"Because," Shepard huffed, her face registering defeat. "He can probably play the character better."

"And I'm a Spectre," Kaidan chimed in. "And you haven't even finished N7 training."

Vega rolled his eyes, and Shepard shot Kaidan a sharp look, but he didn't care. He was being honest, and he wanted to get back in the field for once. Especially if it meant not having to call upon Shep's old- or current- paramour.

Liara broke through the tension in the air, "If that's settled then, I suppose we should figure out the plan-"

"-and make him not look so much like a commander. Or a guy with a stick up his ass," Vega finished, shoving Kaidan out of the kitchen to begin what Kaidan could only hope wasn't a complete makeover.

* * *

The girls were gathered in the master suite, helping Miranda get ready and going over any last-minute mission briefings. Unfortunately, Jack and Miranda's bickering made it impossible to eavesdrop on the boys getting ready. She was curious to know if they were playing nice and what Kaidan's disguise would be. When Shepard heard footsteps and thought they were approaching, she picked up a makeup brush and pretended to be busy dusting Miranda's cheekbones, a ruse that annoyed Miranda.

"He's here," James announced, Kaidan at his side. "Mr. Davos Holmes."

Miranda guffawed. "That's an absolutely dreadful name."

"Yeah? And what's yours?"

"Elina Arias."

"Like 'airy ass'"? Jack snorted.

Shepard had to smile at the name of Kaidan's alter ego. Though Jack and Miranda were bickering, she was too busy checking out the new Davos Holmes. He was clean-shaven, having apparently ditched the stubble he sported these days. His wavy hair, typically cut short and slicked back with frightening amounts of gel, was concealed by a fedora. It was quite ironic considering Kaidan and Shepard had joked about fedoras one time, calling it the most douche-y hat of all hats. No sweater and cargo pants. Kaidan had a button-up shirt in steel gray, paired with jeans that were much narrower than she was used to seeing him wear. Shepard would be lying if she denied giving a quick peek at how well his butt fit in them.

"What do you think?" Kaidan caught her attention, putting on a suave accent.

"You look good?" She meant it to come out more sincere, but couldn't help giggling a bit. Shepard soon felt a wave of worry, however. "I'm still not sure about this."

"You know how limited the options are."

That might be true, but even though it'd be awkward and she told Colby she'd give him some distance, Shepard wished he was in Kaidan's place. His identity wasn't public, so logically, he was a better fit. Even though Shepard didn't want to admit it, there was another reason why. This was the first "mission" with the whole team since London, and she wouldn't be with her squad to help. Kaidan would be out there, and she could only watch his back from afar so much. He was unexpendable to her. Whereas with Colby, there was still a layer of professionalism between them despite everything, and Shepard was fairly certain they could detach whatever sort of relationship they had from their work. If she lost Colby, it would hurt. But she could survive.

"Shepard?" Kaidan stared at her intently.

She froze. "Yes?"

"We got this."

"I hope so." As Shepard dropped the brush on the vanity, she caught Miranda's eye, her eyebrow quirked.

"Elina is supposed to meet Favian at the Sphere in thirty minutes," Miranda commented. "Are you quite finished?"

Shepard blushed. "Yes. Your makeup is all set."

"Very well. Off we go."

* * *

The Sphere turned out to be an apt name for the club. Once Kaidan and Miranda had been let in to the club by a slightly threatening bouncer, they made their way through a corridor with a coat check and a cocktail waitress handing out free drinks. Miranda and Kaidan each accepted one of the glowing cocktails, but didn't take a sip. At the end of the corridor, the space opened up into a room that was spherical in shape. The ceiling was perfectly domed, and the translucent plexiglass dancefloor with pulsating lights revealed a similarly sloped floor below, though it was filled with water to form a pool. Holograms of space illuminated the room from the ceiling, where 3-D images swirled above the dancers' heads.

"Trippy," Kaidan observed. "Whoever came up with the concept of this place was probably on red sand."

Miranda nudged him, whispering loudly because of the pounding music. "Shut it and get into character." Louder, "You're so funny. You must get out more!"

A group of scantily clad women moved past the pair, and a couple of them threw some shade their way. Miranda didn't seem to notice, instead scanning the crowd for their target. Feeling out of place, Kaidan sipped at his drink, nearly spitting it out once he realized how strong it was.

"Easy there, soldier," Shepard chuckled in his ear. She was monitoring them from the club's video feed, which Liara had successfully been able to hack into. The rest of the team was crammed in a nearby van outside the club, listening to what they were doing.

Kaidan didn't respond, not wanting to appear as if he was talking to himself. He just gave a little shake of his head.

"Alright, I'll keep the line quiet."

Miranda was still peering at the dancefloor. Like many of the other women in the club, she was dressed in second-skin leggings that shined like a liquid and a dark, loose-fitting top that hung around her neck but was completely open at the back. Kaidan imagined it wasn't too far off from what Miranda would probably don to a club like his, if she did go, through there was also a sprinkle of Jack in her attire. Her eyes were ringed with some black stuff that made her raccoon-like, at least to him. He never understood makeup.

All of a sudden, a man popped out from the writhing masses behind Miranda, placing a hand on the bare skin of her shoulder. "Elina, you came."

Miranda jumped slightly, but relaxed upon seeing his face. "Favian!"

Favian was likely around Kaidan's own age, and Kaidan's current clothes weren't too dissimilar from his, though he had on a sharp black blazer that screamed he ran the place. His accent sounded foreign, like he was from Europe or somewhere in the Mediterranean. "What's this? You brought a friend?" His dark eyes were pointed directly at Kaidan.

Favian removed his hand from Miranda, but she snatched it back and held it to her body. "Yes, a friend. Davos here wanted to come out and see if he could find some charming man to take home with him."

Miranda regurgitated the story they had constructed earlier in the night, and it appeared to convince Favian. "Oh, I see. I have a friend that might want to meet you." He winked.

"Great," Kaidan replied, smiling.

It was so fast that Kaidan almost didn't catch it, but Favian frowned for a second and gave Kaidan a once-over. Kaidan brushed it off, assuming he was peeved that Miranda had brought him along. Either that or the guy was getting suspicious.

"I was wondering if you'd join me in the back for a drink?" Favian's hand dropped lower down the white expanse of Miranda's back.

Miranda was unfazed. "I'd like that." She gave Kaidan a glance, seemingly indicating that she would be fine and he should follow.

"Does your friend here share your sensibilities?" Favian whispered in her ear, though Kaidan could hear it.

"He does," she answered, just as quietly and seductively.

At that, Favian broke contact, a wide smile on his face, gesturing to a door at the back of the dancefloor. "Then he's welcome to join us."

"Excellent work," Liara's voice came out through his earpiece.

Kaidan titled his head. "Sounds like fun."

Favian held out his hand to Miranda, and she took it, letting him lead her through the crowd to the door. Kaidan followed right behind, occasionally pushing and shoving to get by. Once they got to the door, Favian had his eyes scanned in order to open it up. For a club, having a room with an eye scanner was certainly suspicious. Even more suspicious was the way the door clinked shut with a loud mechanical locking noise. Curious, Kaidan turned around to examine it. It was soundproof and there was an eye scanner to leave the room, too. He twisted his body a little to ensure the microscopic camera he had as a button his shirt picked up images of the door.

"That's ominous," Shepard noted over the comm line.

Favian led them down the hallway, which was completely surrounded in stainless steel, though there were vid screens playing slideshows on the walls. They came to a stop at a small lounge area with a bar. There were booths made of rich burgundy leather, gold fixtures, and deep red quilted wall padding, which Kaidan could bet was soundproof. It all looked very luxe in a turn of the 20th century kind of way. The slam of the heavy door also indicated that the lounge was quite secure.

"Take a seat anywhere." Favian gestured at the booths and the bar stools. "Can I get the two of you a real drink? I hate the cheap vodka shit." He pointed at the drinks they had carried in from the entrance.

Miranda began to speak, but paused. "A shot of tequila would be nice." Kaidan had never seen her have one before; she usually held a martini glass at any of the parties or functions he'd been to where she was present.

"I'll have a whiskey, if you don't mind." Luckily, his character was also a fan of the drink, or so he told himself. Miranda squeezed into a corner booth, and Kaidan decided to sit opposite her. Rather than call a bartender of some sort of henchman, Favian made their drinks himself. Kaidan didn't have visuals of the bar from where he was positioned, but Miranda appeared to be keeping an eye on their suspect.

He returned with the drinks, a glass filled with a clear liquid for him. He slid in next to Miranda, leaving no space between the two of them. "Should we have a toast?"

"Why not?" Miranda flirted, lifting her shot glass. Kaidan shrugged and joined in.

"To new friends," Favian started, and they all repeated it, touching glasses. Favian swallowed down the entirety of his drink, and Kaidan felt compelled to do the same. It was very good whiskey, but it was also a generous pour.

"Why couldn't I be there having drinks instead of crammed in this box?" Vega grumbled in his ear.

"You dolt, you want to be locked in some backroom with a potential murderer?" Jack retorted. Kaidan noticed that Miranda smirked, obviously in response to what she was hearing, too.

"Refills?" Favian asked.

Kaidan peered at Miranda from across the table. They couldn't afford to lose focus. "You don't have to spoil me with more of that fine bottle you got there."

"And I've had far too many of those dreadful glowing drinks at the front," Miranda lied through her teeth.

"Alright, but if you would like another, just let me know." Favian sighed, "I have to say, it's always great to be able to meet people with the same viewpoint. People who are for the same cause."

"It's refreshing," Miranda agreed.

Kaidan nodded, interested to see where this was going.

"With all these aliens stuck here on our planet… ugh. That's why I created this place. We humans need a refuge, a place to be surrounded by our own kind," Favian continued. "We are the superior race."

Miranda and Kaidan agreed with him, which caused Favian to smile widely. "Now that we've had a drink and we're on the same page, would you like to play a game, Elina and Davos?"

"I don't like the sound of this," came Shepard's voice.

Miranda circled her finger around the rim of her glass. "I like games."

"Why not." Kaidan could think of many reasons why not.

There was an intercom system at the bar, and Favian got up to use it. "Bring them in," he spoke into it.

After a few short seconds, there was a rhythmic series of knocks at the door, and Favian opened it up for their new guests. In came three humans, clearly employees, leading in two turians at gunpoint. He promptly shut the door behind them, and the goons forced the turians to their knees in the center of the lounge.

"So we have a little thing we like to do with our new friends, to see if they're ready to go the next level. Stand up," Favian commanded Miranda and Kaidan.

They both climbed out of the booth, following when Favian waved at them to stand next to the men who were currently holding weapons at the back of the turians' heads.

"Everybody likes to hate on batarians, don't they? Personally, my least favorite aliens are still the turians. How can you get past the First Contact? Buggery fucks."

Kaidan's stomach rolled. He tried to catch Miranda's eye, but she was staring dead ahead.

"Take their guns."

The man to Kaidan's right grasped his hand, pressing the gun into it. Now it was Kaidan pressing the muzzle at the back of the unknown turian's skull. Favian's gunman kept his grip on Kaidan's wrist.

"What the fuck," Shepard exclaimed. Kaidan prayed the man next to him hadn't overheard.

"Kill them," Favian commanded, his face perfectly blank.

Kaidan hoped it was a joke. He glimpsed at Miranda again, but she was focused on the gun in her own hand. The comm line was silent; all he could hear was the pleading of the two turians in front of them. Kaidan's gun was shaking, and though the turian was upset and twitching, he was afraid he was shaking as well.

"Who are they?" Kaidan dared to ask, buying time.

"Does it matter what it is?" Favian sneered, though he seemed to do so with merriment.

"Guys," Shepard finally spoke up. "You need-"

The sound of a gunshot left Kaidan's ears ringing. The compact space caused the blast to reverberate throughout. Kaidan wondered if perhaps his trigger finger had slipped without him registering it, but the turian in front of him was moving. Miranda's wasn't.

"Well done, Miranda!" Kaidan strained to pick up what Favian was shouting. He thought he heard him call Miranda her name. Her real name. Miranda was unresponsive, perhaps in shellshock at her own actions, the evidence visible at her feet. There was sound being emitted from his earpiece, but it was difficult to discern what was being said and by whom.

"Mr. Alenko- I'm sorry, Commander Alenko- can't say I'm surprised, but I must admit I'm disappointed. Shoot him," Favian demanded.

Kaidan flinched, throwing up a biotic barrier, but no gunshots were hurled his way. Instead, one of the goons fired at the turian that was alive, killing him.

"Impressive," Favian regarded Kaidan's biotics. "I wonder if Miranda could do better. I've heard so much about her over the years." He turned to address her. "Sweetheart, would you be a dear and disable his barrier?"

Miranda snapped out of it, but she didn't make any move. "Why?" It was evident that she was attempting to be nonchalant, but Kaidan could tell she was on edge.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt him." Kaidan very much doubted that. Nevertheless, after another moment's hesitation, Miranda approached him, but he went ahead and dropped his barrier.

"Alenko, what are you doing?!"screamed Shepard. Funny, now he could hear her.

"Thanks for being so cooperative, commander. Miranda, I'm going to need you to kill our dear friend."

Miranda jolted, almost dropping the gun that remained in her hands. Kaidan trusted her, but they were certainly in an impossible situation. Three armed men and Favian in here… they could probably take them down, but it might be a hell of a firefight eventually getting out of the club. It didn't help that Favian's goons had their guns trained right on Miranda and Kaidan.

"Any day now," Favian sighed.

Miranda raised her weapon, and Kaidan noted how it vibrated in her grip. She lifted it nearly to his head level, her gaze at him steady.

"Miranda Lawson, if you kill him, I will-" Shepard's tone made his chest ache.

A barrier went up around Miranda and Kaidan, stunning him. Must have been Miranda's doing. Bullets ricocheted off of it, and Miranda disabled one of the guards with a warp, while Kaidan used his biotics to take down the other two. That left Favian, whom Miranda pinned to the wall.

"Good job!" Liara cheered them on; Vega and Shepard, too.

Struggling to breath, Favian managed to continue speaking. "You failed the second test, Miranda. Was hoping you had relapsed and gone back to your old ways. Would have liked you to be a part of our organization."

"Back to Cerberus? I don't think so," she growled. "How do you know me?"

"We've never met, but I've heard things about you. I was a lowly bolt in Cerberus' machine."

Kaidan interrupted them. "Were you involved in the bombing at the coffee shop?"

Favian's head was drawn to Kaidan, but he didn't answer. All he did was smirk.

"Answer him," Miranda pressed her gun to his head.

"I'll spill." He smiled. "But only to Commander Shepard."

"What?" Kaidan sputtered. He reeled it in. "She's not here."

Favian coughed. "Bullshit. I'm sure she's around."

"So if she comes in here to speak to you, you'll answer all of our questions?" Miranda asked.

"And we'll let you go, if you promise to leave here with nobody hurt, nobody arrested, like nothing happened."

"I don't think so, buddy," Kaidan laughed.

"Then my lips are sealed," he sang.

Kaidan heard chatter on the comm line. "We'll leave without him, no fight."

Miranda responded, not caring that it was revealing they had earpieces. "You can't be serious."

"Just do it!" Shepard barked. "We have it figured out."

Kaidan pressed his lips into a firm line. He didn't like this. Not one bit. At the same time, it seemed like he'd have to trust Shepard. "Okay. We're not going to cause any trouble." His eyes dropped down toward the dead. Blood had seeped across the metal floor, and Kaidan struggled to remain focused.

"And Shepard?"

"Not happening." His response was instant. Drag Shepard into the depths of this club that played host to a terrorist group and place her directly in the hands of the enemy? No.

Shepard, however, shocked him. "I'm coming in, let him know. The whole team's coming with. Have him direct us to a backdoor or something, and we'll meet you." As if Shepard could sense Kaidan's frustration, "It's okay. All of this is on video. He's not stupid." A pause. "Well, not that stupid, I hope. We've been in worse pickles before."

Kaidan didn't argue with her because he knew it was pointless. She was coming in no matter what.

* * *

Shepard stood in front of their suspect, Favian Tasso. Miranda and Kaidan both had him elevated and restrained using their biotics. Anyone in that predicament would probably feel uneasy, but Favian was as cool as a cucumber.

"Ahh, Commander Shepard. A pleasure," he preened upon her arrival.

Shepard rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her. "Start talking."

Favian glanced around the room, taking in the sight of her whole team and some of his henchmen, the two factions keeping watch. "What do you want to know?

"How about you tell me if you were behind the bombing."

"My friends and I were involved, yes."

"Why? How?"

"Why? Well, admittedly, the idea wasn't mine. I thought bombing one of those alien slums would be a great deal of fun. Someone suggested the idea to me, from a friend to a friend, that killing the great Commander Shepard and innocent humans would generate more thinking along our lines. Despite the causalities, it seemed worthwhile. While I admire you, many others in my group would be happy to see you die for what you did to Cerberus over the years."

"I'm sure they would," Shepard growled. "And how did you do it?"

"I don't know; my second-in-command took care of it."

"Cut the bullshit."

"We had people follow you. They knew you'd be at the location around a certain time. They were planted in the restroom, as you know."

"Where did you get that grade of explosives?" Favian kept his lips shut, something Shepard did not appreciate. "Deal's off. You promised to tell all."

Favian grimaced, but gave in. "We have a contact who works at a chemical manufacturing company in Alberta."

Shepard heard Kaidan's grunt, but her attention was focused squarely on the man she was interrogating. "I'm going to need you to give me the name."

"Claudia Lee," he spit out.

Shepard checked to make sure Miranda was copying all of the information. Miranda gave a slight nod, and Shepard continued. "And the shooting?"

"What? Your pilot that got shot. Sorry, darling, wasn't us."

"I already told you that you have immunity-"

"Can't help you out-"

"Look here, you prick." Shepard grabbed the guy's face. "Spill. It."

Shepard felt arms pulling at her, trying to get her to back up from Favian. All he did was laugh. "You think we would miss those shots? Must've been some second-rate sniper from the batarian military. I'd choose someone who could clean up."

"Like you cleared up the coffee shop? Killed all of those people, but you didn't-"

"Shepard," Kaidan warned, his grip tightening around her waist as she lunged toward their smartass suspect. She didn't fight him, instead slackening her body.

This Favian had been hesitant, but he had seemingly revealed all he knew about the attacks. Lingering questions about Joker's murder hung over her, even though she was doubtful she could get further with him. Time was also not on her side, and they needed to wrap up fast. "Fine."

"Fine? You're just going to let him go now?" Kaidan's outrage was evident.

"Yes. Have a good night, Mr. Tasso."

"Excuse me if I hope to never cross paths with you again, Ms. Shepard."

Shepard signaled the team to follow her out, and they successfully backed out of the club without any bloodshed. Once they were a safe distance from the building, Kaidan turned on her. "You're going to let him go?"

"I am, but the Alliance is not. They should be arriving in…" Shepard glanced down at her 'tool. "Two minutes."

"How?"

"I explained to Hackett that you and Miranda were on a date at this new club downtown, and I got a call that you had run into some trouble, and I thought the guy might have a warrant out."

"There's no concrete proof! He's going to argue that he was under duress!"

Shepard shrugged. "Slave trade, kidnapping, weapons charges, drug dealing… there's enough to pin him down for the rest of his life from other investigations."

"What about Hackett? He's going to be pissed that we stormed in there."

"That's why I had to give them that cover story. Favian might tell the truth about what happened, but I don't really care at this point."

Kaidan stayed silent as they all loaded back into the van, only speaking once the engine had started up. "You told Hackett that Miranda and I were on a date?"

Everyone exploded with laughter at Kaidan's incredulous delayed respond. He merely shook his head.

"Yeah, he's not going to believe that."

"Maybe, maybe not," Shepard grinned. "I could see it."

"As if," Miranda deadpanned.

That caused them all to giggle even harder. Once the noise had died down, the mood was somber again.

One mystery solved, one remaining. She wanted to call it a successful night, but this was only a small victory. Worse yet, she was as nearly confused as before, and the next step was completely unclear.


End file.
